Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Survival Of The Fittest OR Is It Survivor Of the Sickest?


We all know the television series called Survivor. People dropped off on a remote island, a jungle, or in the middle of no where with nothing but the clothes on their backs. If you have watched the show you know how it goes if not the name pretty much says it all. The player/contestants are struggling to survive for so many days out in the wilderness with no food, no water, and no shelter. They must all find these necessities while they are stranded together with other survivors. In the hopes that they do not kill each other in the process. It seems when I have watched this show there were a few people who really did want to kill each other at some point in the show. It is a funny and strange thing when the pleasures of home are taken away who people turn into especially American's with every luxury at their finger tips these days. Luxuries I often wonder how people afford only to toss them to the wind when they get bored or the next new thing comes out that they must have. All so superficial, to me anyways. Is this really survival?

Last night when I was taking my hot bath I thought about survival, not in the way the real world might think of it, but survival when it comes to chronic illness. Survival. Humm.Your life becomes a game of survival when you are chronically ill. It's not a fun game to play and unlike the players on the television show you can't just up and say I quit or know in the back of your head that this will be over in twenty days. Oh no, there will be no quitting here because just when you think you are doing pretty good wham it all comes back real fast. I happened to get a cold this weekend on top of all else but I can't quit it isn't in the cards for me. I am a survivor just a different kind. As I laid in the bath looking up at the ceiling tiles I began, once again as I do often, ask why. I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth I shouldn't ask why because no answer ever comes, ever. I was actually carrying on a why conversation with myself and when I realized I was talking out loud I began to laugh. I thanked God for giving me my sense of humor but I also wondered how many times a day I have a conversation with myself or God out loud. Good thing dogs and cats can't talk. As usual my survival became humor as it does so often. Like last week when I washed the sheets and it took three different trips upstairs to finish putting them back on. I use to get upset over things like that but now I just chuckle and think whatever. Ah hah moment and maybe one answer to a why.  I know why I could never hold down a job. Minus the illness forcing me to call in sick the sheets on the bed would never get washed, dinner would never get made, etc. The times I get on the floor to play with Eva and have a hard time getting back up, oh the things a person notices when they are ill. The odd ways and crazy sounds you make as you find a way to get your stiff body off the ground. All those little thing most people take for granted are survival for me. They are life. My game. My game I wish I could quit. My game I wish only lasted thirty days. My game I wish I could blame someone else for and just move on after it was all said and done, knowing I would never have to go back again. It doesn't work like that. The survival game of going off my meds in the hope of it all being gone only to find I am much worse and deciding if I should go back on the meds I dread so much. Mornings from hell. Survival. My survival. I make it work even when I don't want to or my body doesn't cooperate. I yell at my body and sometimes it isn't very nice, mostly Hell No! I survive to the best of my ability. I do what I can. It is what it is.
 

In the end the best part really is the fact that I am competing with no one. The win or loss is all mine. I can't get mad and yell at anyone but me, myself, and I. Think of all those senseless fights on the actual survivor show. For what? In the end only one person wins. In my game I always win and for that I am grateful. I am a survivor!

On I go to survive this day. I hope you can too!

God Bless!

Dianne

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Positive Energy


The only way for me to think and to motivate myself is to try, as hard as it is at times, to only think positive. I learned this from Lisa Gigliotti the author of Corriagio. Negative thought replace it with a positive thought. I love you Lisa!
Oh believe me I have always been a positive person but for years it wasn't because I was a chronic. It was just my nature and probably parents who would tell me to only look at the good side of things. My mom did it to me when I was really ill. It would make me mad at times but now as I look back it was what I needed to hear. My whole life changed when I began getting weak and my eyes were going buggy on me. How do you stay positive living like that? The pain? I had that mastered over the years. I seriously wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have pain it is just a way of life. You can deal with it when it is chronic because you don't know any different. Over the years I have learned how to live with my muscle weakness and eye issues too. I take a lot of breaks as needed. I finally feel like I have a handle on all fronts, well almost all. The one I still struggle with and can throw me for a loop, the migraines. I fight, hard when I get one. Right now I am pushing myself when all I want to do is barf. Barf I won't! I am sitting here thinking what kind of an idiot sits in front of a BRIGHT computer screen with a migraine? Then this morning as I laid on the couch with a towel over my eyes I asked God why he had to make today such a bright day when yesterday was dark and I needed the dark today. No answer just stabbing ice pick pain along with a light show going on behind the towel. This was after I took the Excedrin migraine and gagged down a cup of java in hopes of relief. A half hour later I decided, without the help of the migraine, to get up and move! I cleaned a bathroom, slowly but surely. I started a load of wash. I swiffered some of the floors and now here I am still in pain but its all good. I did something and that is all that counts. If it were up to the migraine I would have stayed on the couch much longer but my psyche has to take control and be the stronger person. Yes there are the times with migraines there is no way to get up and I have to give in and stay in bed most of the day but this one is not one of those so I am thankful, sometimes positive energy works and sometimes not. The times the body doesn't cooperate with my positive energy I tell myself tomorrow will come and this hell will end. I fight with my positive energy and my negative energy. I try not to give it to the negative but geeze I am human too and sometimes it just wins. But as I said the positive light is always shining even when it is just a flicker in the background.
Time to go do something else and not let this stupid migraine win. We must never give up! Me or you!

God Bless!

Dianne

Friday, October 18, 2013

OUCH - The Song

I woke up early this morning and slept horribly last night. For some reason when Rich leaves for work Eva likes to wake me up and bring me down on the couch so she can sleep by me. I/we will not allow her in the bed mostly because sleep is precious to me, so she sleeps next to me on the floor in her big furry fluffy bed. We both feel back asleep when I made my way down the steps sideways as I always do. We finally woke up at nine something this morning. I laid there as I usually do for ten minutes or so and my mind began to wonder. Guess what popped into it as I lay there? You should write a song about getting moving in the morning. Of course my mind began to work thinking of lyrics and I started to make myself laugh, out loud at that. When I finally got up I grabbed a pen and here is what I wrote in a matter of minutes as I waited for my morning cup to brew.

Ouch

I started the day with a dog on my head,
a crunch and a crack and a lot of pain.
I cried out loud as my feet hit the floor,
but really just wanted to lay back down and snore.

Chorus:
Ouch, ouch it's swollen and stiff,
do I really have to do this?
Get your mind out of the gutter
those words that I utter are really
just my chronic illness speaking.

Hands won't close, muscles won't move,
Dropped my glasses three times on the floor.
All I can think is this is not fair,
but does anyone really care?

Chorus:
Ouch, ouch it's swollen and stiff,
do I really have to do this?
Get your mind out of the gutter
those words that I utter are really
just my chronic illness speaking.

It's nine forty one I'm at the kitchen sink,
Pen in hand smell of coffee in the air,
but really right now...I just don't care.
Waking up takes longer than you might think,
Pills in hand, whoops there they go,
as one just rolled right down the sink.

Chorus:
Ouch, ouch it's swollen and stiff,
do I really have to do this?
Get your mind out of the gutter
those words that I utter are really
just my chronic illness speaking.

I crawled up the steps coffee in hand,
started the computer to say hi to my friends.
who give me strength and keep me going,
Spanish, white, black or gay.
It's the end of my song,
I hope it didn't take to long,
and I hope you have a great day!

Remember to keep on laughing it will cure anything that ails ya and don't worry I won't be writing songs for anyone but myself in the future. Lol

God Bless!

Dianne


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Alone Time

Dare I say I love my alone time? Truthfully I never really thought about alone time, ever. I was too busy with my children, church, helping others, running here and running there. Then all those years I waited for my children to grow up passed like the wind and I found myself alone. I didn't mind at first because I missed my children and the laughter and chaos that came along with them. They left the nest and it was hard. Oh believe me it took a while to actually feel the sting and pain of them leaving because I kept busy helping them and others, for awhile at least. Then something funny happened I came to terms with them growing up and me being along a lot, A LOT!

I found that being in pain 24/7 has a funny way of slowing you down real fast. I have been in pain for years but I pushed through it and lived life to its fullest but now that Rich and I are alone I have learned it really is okay for me to sleep in until ten am or lay on the couch at three pm, not that I do it much but I know it is okay. At least until someone wakes me up at ten am with a phone calls and asks if they woke me. It happened this week and I reverted back to the person who felt guilty for relaxing. The person who called understood but for some reason I didn't at that very moment or for the next few hours. It haunted me for a bit that day but then after I processed it I was okay with it. Today I look back and don't care. Caring about stupid stuff wastes the little energy I have to give out so I had to let it go.

When you are chronically ill life changes. Your life is different from everyone else except for those who struggle with being a chronic too, even then there is no way any two people are the same in whatever they deal with. You must learn to do what is right for you, delete the misunderstanding out of your life, and sleep until ten am if need be. I am not a napper and I fight it not to be. If I take a nap I don't sleep at night so it isn't worth it. Once again it works for me maybe not for other chronics. Last night was one of the first times I can remember ever laughing about my chronic pain. Rich was heading downstairs to watch the end of the Tigers game and I said to him, "It is hell living in pain 24/7 my neck hurts this hurts that hurts blah blah blah." Then I laughed. Out loud at that. It never hit me until this moment that I really did laugh outloud. You know you have made progress when....(insert your laugh here) I'm not a complainer so even admitting to Rich I had a rough day was huge for me. You know how it is everyone hates a complainer. What does it solve anyways? Nothing for me. I have enough alone time to hash over ever ache, pain and otherwise.

My point in all of this babble is not to judge me when I sleep until nine or ten when you can't. You envy me because I sleep and live the life everyone dreams of. I envy you because you get to go to a job and be in the world, have friends, go dancing, take exercise classes, etc. I go to a simple restorative yoga class and need a day to recover. I wish I could disburse some of my alone time to the people who need it and would appreciate it. But then there are the times I look around at the world and see people who can't be alone. They think to much if they are alone and they have to deal with hurtful pasts or whatever life has bashed then upside the head with. This makes me sad because I do believe coming to terms with your past makes for a much better future. I always tell Rich we always look ahead, making the hand motions like I am directing an airplane for a landing, and we never look back. We are living in the now not the past. It is over. The words come out and I realize with all my alone time I probably do most of my meditating on the past and do the exact opposite of what I tell him, and others. Strange how we humans always know what is right or what to say to everyone else but seldom take our own advice. Hummm.

I hope you are able to enjoy your alone time. It is a true gift. A gift to yourself and there is nothing wrong with that!

God Bless!

Dianne


Monday, October 7, 2013

Preacher Dianne on Suffering and Evil


We went to church yesterday in Spring Lake close to where we are going to build our new home. The sermon subject? Why? The Problem of Suffering and Evil. Coincidence I happened to go on this particular Sunday? I don't believe so. In fact when I got up I had no intentions of going. It takes a lot to get myself going in the morning and many days just getting ready to go to church can make the rest of the day a waste but I put on my big girl pants and dove in anyways. This is why I do not think it was a coincidence, there was something inside of me that made me go since I woke up without the intention to go. The Holy Spirit does speak if you listen. Enough on that.
We sat down and the praise group sang a few songs then the sermon and guess what, or I should say who, the sermon was based on? You guessed it Job. Probably the most tested and one of the people who suffered the most for God never wavering in his faith. The book of Job can almost make you not believe in a God who would allow things to happen like this but it can also help you to realize it isn't God who allows these things to happen, the suffering. We, the world, believe and blame God for the cause of all suffering and evil but why? All the bad that happens and the pastor listed off some really bad things in his sermon and then asked, "God has a reason for everything? REALLY? REALLY? He would want someones child to die? He would be happy in that? REALLY? I am sure you can add much of your own suffering here but try to ask yourself the question God would allow this? REALLY??
God desired a free response of love, so he created a world of suffering. Job 1:6 and Revelations 12:9

God could have created no suffering and no conflict but the devil and our own sinful nature changed that. Job 1:7 and Job 1:9-12. Before the problem of evil there was the problem of good. Job 1:11-12. Personally I wish the good could have stayed but it would have never worked. A perfect world. There is suffering in the world period. We cant run from it and much of it has no meaning at all. Job 2:1-8. I have a note I wrote next to this verse in my bible that says, God cannot be stirred up to do things against his will. Though it is not clear how everything that happens is part of his divine purpose. I know this is a struggle for many people, including myself, to know why things happen. I am a cut and dry person who believes there has to be an answer to everything. Truthfully when Rich tells me it will all make sense one day when we see Jesus I want to punch him in the face. My sinful side wants an answer now to all this unfairness, but when I step back and give it to God, listen to Rich, and stop trying to find all the answers it somehow gets easier to handle. The pain eases, the mind games ease, and I feel much more comfortable and free to enjoy the things I love to do. Faith can do that to a person if the person allows it to happen. There is no magic bullet. In the end the pastor read Romans 8:28 In all good things God works. Maybe not in our time but in his. We wait. We believe. We love him, ourselves, and others along the way.

Pastor said something I never thought about. We have to know and believe that God grieves more than we do over our pain and suffering. Ponder on that for a few minutes. Think of him as the Father. The Trinity as you do. You are his child so why wouldn't he suffer when we suffer. Wow that was a bam for me.


Love freely given must be freely reciprocated. God could have created no suffering, no conflict. The question I have with this is the point of suffering to bring us to him or if we already know him is it to bring us closer to him? Instead of blaming God I have learned to be okay with what I have been given. It isn't anyone's fault, it is life. It is in the cards so to speak. I use to be a person of the world trying to be what society told me I should be. Trying to be all to everyone, do everything, never say no, and then something changed. I became ill. It took a long time to become a person who lives in the world and doesn't allow the world to direct my life. I use to blame God and get mad. The human side likes to take over when we are suffering. I withdrew from most of the outside world because now I was different, still am. Looking back I think it was the anger and being mad that God would allow this even though I would never have admitted that back then. I asked why why why, all the time. Over the years I have learned to let it go and live in the moment knowing God loves me and there will be a reward for all this suffering. The pastor said this at the end of his sermon, the reward is in Jesus. I know! It is so much easier not fighting with the why's anymore. I feel like I have shed that person and put her on the shelf so to speak. I have become much happier in my own skin since I have accepted this life. A good one at that. I try not to think to much about not being able to be our in the world anymore and focus on other good parts of my life but I have written on this many times in my blog so I'll save you the repeat talk.

I know I have heard this sermon many times and each time I learn more. My bible is marked up with these verses and notes are written on the sides. I hear it over and over. I believe God led me to church yesterday because I needed to hear it again, for myself. I don't know about you and only you can answer that. I know there are people out there who do not believe, who am I to judge what I wrote here it is my true feeling and not up for argument. This  is what gets me through my days, my faith. It may be something different for you and I respect that. I expect the same in my beliefs. We all need to do what is right for us and maybe just maybe the suffering and evil could ease up a little. Less arguing and disagreeing. Our world is in a mess right now no matter how you look at it. We can argue until hell freezes over but it is a fact. We are growing more and more apart instead of coming together as it should be. I don't understand it but in the end I do know one thing I will finally have my own peace and I hope you will too!

The pastor used a few of quotes yesterday from C.S. Lewis.
C.S. LewisC.S. Lewis
“God created things which had free will. That means creatures which can go wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong, but I can't. If a thing is free to be good it's also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata -of creatures that worked like machines- would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they've got to be free.

God Bless!

Dianne

Friday, October 4, 2013

That's What It's All About

Surgery #5,6,7 done. I lost count but hey what are you going to do when you have a body that hates you and decided to turn on you every step of the way? You are going to take control and do something about it. This is the eighth day after surgery and I am in some sort of a pleasant mystical shock zone. I woke up from surgery and when I finally got back to my room and got up to pee I said to Rich, "Hey, no pain in my hip." We looked at one another and smiled. Thinking about this a day or two later as I was still pain free I wondered if it was because I was on pain meds and ibuprofen. I began to wane. The voice in my head started to talk again. 'The pain will be back don't worry. Are you sure you should have had the surgery?' On and on. You know how it is the constant blah blah blah that can take a good thing and turn it bad. Well, I stopped the pain meds over the weekend and here it is Friday and the hip pain is still gone so that tells me for the past five years the pain I have been living with was from the giant tube that should have been taken out years ago. I honestly have never heard of anyone having blocked fallopian tubes. The only fallopian tube horror story I have lived through is my Aunt's cancer. Another reason we took my tubes out. Like me the doctors kept telling her the hip/butt pain was from her back at least until the cancer started growing out of her butt and she died from it. It still angers me she had to suffer so but I have to let it go or it will eat me alive. I am so relieved and feel really good about having this surgery and hopefully saving myself from the genetics that plague me. I am almost to the stage of having no organs left to be taken out but hey life is good organs or no organs. LOL.

That's what it's all about. You know me by now. Everything that happens to me I must believe happens for a reason. I have to believe God knows I am strong enough to handle it all or it wouldn't be happening, that or he has a sense of humor I don't understand. Do I want it? No! But it is what it is. I am still blessed in so many other ways that the crap over shadows some of the hell. The other day our realtor called and asked me how I was doing. I told her as good as can be expected. She called about a showing but said she also wanted to talk to me about the surgery and my hip pain. She started to talk and she sounded like me, BS, before surgery. Did your hip hurt so bad you couldn't even lay on that side to sleep, ahh ya. Did you have a hysterectomy in the past, ahh ya. Why I asked her? She answered I am living with the same thing. Doctors keep sending me to pt and it is doing nothing. Ahhhh ya. It was like talking to myself on the other end of the line. Totally insane to me. I encouraged her to call her surgeon and get it checked out as this thing called hydrosalpinx does happen to woman who have had hysterectomies. The tubes get blocked or shut off so to speak and they may become infected and they grow and grow with no where for the fluid to go because you had a hyst and the fluid gets trapped, hence the pain. When we hung up she told me she was going to call her doctor because she just cannot keep living like this. I agreed pain is exhausting to say the least and when you have a full time job it has to be even harder. I will be checking in on her to make sure she takes care of herself and listens to her body.

Hence the, That's what its all about. I may get sick often. I may seem like I am complaining or wanting sympathy but oh no, not at all. I hope I am not coming across as a complainer, if I am this blog wouldn't be worth my time or yours. I hope I am not making anyone feel as if they need to feel sorry for me because there is absolutely no need for that. I have a wonderful life and I am blessed beyond measure. The point of this blog, and my life, as I see it is to help others.I sit here and wonder how many others are suffering from hydrosalpinx that is causing severe pain. How many people are being told it is their back when it isn't. My heart bleeds to know people are suffering with something that can be fixed so to say. Keep your ears open. It may be a friend,  a mother, or you. Listen to people talk. If they tell you about something they are going through just maybe you can be the bridge to helping them feel better and encourage them to get a problem checked out and hopefully fixed. In the end helping others is just like the hokey pokey the voice in your head can sing to you, "That's What It's All About!! Mine does today!

God Bless!

Dianne