Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Never Ending Obstacles

Obstacles. We all have them. We all struggle through whatever we are given at any given moment in time. Obstacles pass and we move on, at least until the next one hits and we start the process of moving on and learning all over once again.

I must admit and be honest that I haven't had many obstacles in my lifetime. I don't know why I feel guilty when I say or write that.  I have been fortunate, very fortunate. I had parents who took very good care of our family as I grew up. Family vacations, laughs, food on the table, the best a child could hope for. I don't think I would have wanted more even though we weren't rich we had food and a roof over our head. Then I graduated and got together with Rich and life has been fairly easy for us. We both worked hard for our family, home, and we made good memories along the way. Obstacles maybe. Little ones which had to do more with money or helping others who were less fortunate even if it meant we had to go without. At least until we wised up and figured out that people do use you and there is a time to allow them to help themselves instead of depending on you. I'm not sure if that was a obstacle for us or just a very good learning lesson. We now are a little more careful about who we help but help none the less. We have had a great twenty nine years and we feel blessed beyond measure. We wonder. Why? Why are we blessed whiles others aren't. I guess it isn't for us to answer.

Oh ya I forgot there is one obstacle I did forget. Illness. This has been an obstacle that has crushed us at times. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. The latter mostly for me because Rich would travel to the ends of the earth to help me, and yes that alone is one of the worst obstacles for me. Watching him and our family suffer. I myself believe if this is our only obstacle in life we really are truly blessed. Would I feel the same if I had to watch him suffer over and over? Probably not, that is why I am so thankful it is me. kind of selfish I guess but I am strong and I really can handle it.
Tomorrow we face yet another surgery. I figured since I told the last family member today, Rich's mom, that I could share it with the world now. Wow don't you feel blessed? Ya.

This surgery story started with a beginning over fifteen years ago. I had a hysterectomy eleven years ago because I was constantly anemic and bled like a slottered pig every month. Enough said I am pretty sure you have a nice picture in your head so I will spare you the gorey details. Each month I was so sick I could do nothing for the first two days of my cycle. When you are raising children that is not how it is suppose to be. My gyno kept telling me it was normal, until I found a new doctor and she about blew a gasket when I told her. She sent me to a new gyno and he suggested we do a hysterectomy. I decided at the time since I was so young, only thirty nine, I wanted keep all my ovaries because I wasn't ready to go into menopause at such a young age. I wrestled with the decision at first but made it and keep my ovaries and had my uterus taken out. The past five years I have had issues with pelvic and back pain which I and my docs contributed to either my hip, bursitis, or the surrounding tissues in my hip area, at least until about six months ago when I had such severe pain I couldn't stand it. If you know me and what I live with on a daily basis pain wise you would know I would never go to the ER. Well,  this pain sent me to the ER it was that bad.  CT scan, Ultrasound and you have ovarian cysts. Okay sounds simple enough, go home and rest and take ibuprofen. Call your doc in a few days if it doesn't get better and have a follow up ultrasound. I had an appointment with my doc and she said no biggy we can put you on birth control to control the cyst. Me thinking in my head you are crazy ummmm, NO! I do not do good on the pill. One month later I had the follow up ultrasound and the issues were still there. I decided to take matters into my own hands and made an appointment with my hysterectomy gyno. He walked in the room and said, "I know what is going on with you just by looking at the CT, and ultrasounds. My fallopian tube on the right side is five, yes five, times as big as it should be, hence the left side pain, and the fallopian tube on the right side is twice as big as it should be. We will need to do surgery because they will never get better. The tubes are plugged something that is called hydrosalpinx. I am not worried about surgery I have had enough of them plus God is control not me. I am concerned to the fact that this is the cancer that my Aunt died from. The chance of cancer is very slim as fallopian tube cancer usually hits woman in their later years like in their seventies. My Aunt was eighty but complained about this back pain. I took her to the doctor and he told her she had back problems and to take tylenol. This still haunts me to this day as the cancer even started growing out of her back side, but according to the doc it was "just back pain." My heart aches because I can only imagine the pain she must have been in as she walked so bent over from the pain we could have used her back as a table. I am hoping we are catching this before it could turn into something worse and if it is we will go from there. Like I said and I truly believe God is in control. He has been by my side through all of this and I know when I am put to sleep he will be right there with me then too.

My point of this entry? BE YOUR OWN DOCTOR! If there is one thing I want to get across with this blog besides staying postiive it is be your own doc. if something doesn't seem right and your body is talking to you LISTEN!  If I would have listened to mine who knows what could have happened? I am hopeful this pain will be gone as soon as the rest of my insides are taken out twenty four hours from now. It will be a prayer answered. I regret not doing it eleven years ago but hind sight is always 20/20. It is funny because I have always had that voice telling me I should have had it all taken out at that time. The voice always knows. At least mine does and now here I am. Here we are with another obstacle we will overcome. I am hopeful that surgery goes well and he can do it laparoscopic and I will be home tomorrow night right where I need to be.

God Bless!


Monday, September 16, 2013

Me vs Migraine. The Voices In My Head

Well six am or so this morning I awoke and knew I was in trouble. Migraine alert, so starts the dialogue that goes on in my head. I'm pretty sure this will be unbelievable to anyone who has never experienced or lives with someone who suffers from migraines but this IS how it is. I always thought and even hoped my migraines were caused by the arthritis meds but now that I am off them the hard truth tells me that they had nothing to do with the meds. It is for sure my neck issues. The thought of knowing this will be a lifelong issue is sobering but you can't change things so I guess you learn to deal with them the best you know how. For me it is that little voice in my head that argues back and forth, back and forth, until someone wins.
I never really thought about that voice in my head that is always talking so negative to me until I started yoga. It is there all the time but it is speaking even LOUDER on days like this. It is hard to drown it out with the positive.
So the day begins like this:

6:00 am:
Me: Oh no I am getting a migraine. Just get up or have Rich bring you some Excedrin Migraine meds. No, if I try to fall back asleep it will get better, it isn't really that bad yet. Plus don't tell Rich because all he will do is worry at work all day and that isn't fair to him. Close your eyes!
Migraine: Ya, that's right just go back to sleep I'll go away and not get worse, keep telling yourself that I love to torture you. Mawahahahahahah!

8:00 am:
Me: Ughhhh this is bad. Maybe if I get up and take my Tyelenol Arhtritis and drink a glass of water and some coffee it will get better. I am now standing with both hands on the counter asking God to take me and why asking him why this crap doesn't stop??? Answer please! He has a reason for you to be here, make the damn coffee and shut up!
Migraine: Coffee? It'll help? That's what you think.Tylenol Arthritis? What a waste on your liver you know in a few hours you'll be popping the Excedrin Migraine anyways. Mawhahahahaha!
Me: Don't allow that voice in your head to tell you any different! 

8:00-9:00 am:
Me: Pretend like you are fine. Do something. I know take a hot bath that always helps, right? Hummm. Run the water, throw your cloths in the corner or wherever, who cares.Get in and soak. More hot water please as I am turning into a tomato, better get out before my BP causes a stroke. Hold on get the wash cloth and put on it on your forehead, over your eyes, now don't rip your eyes out of the sockets this WILL get better.
Migraine: Mawahahahahaha!
Me: Okay get out of the tub and just give in, go lay back down. Oh no! If I act like it isn't there I'll be fine. Check facebook maybe that will help you feel better. The mind over matter thing. Checked, didn't help, must give in and take the Excedrin Migraine. But you just took Tylenol Arthritis a few hours ago. I know, but if I'm lucky the two of them combined will shut down my liver and this pain will be gone. Don't talk like that your family needs you. Ya whatever. I just want this icepick to stop jabbing in my head. Plus now the light is getting more intolerable and I want to puke. LAY DOWN and go back to sleep. Okay I 'll try but not for long. I don't want to waste this whole day on a migraine I have things to do like laundry and picking up the house after a weekend of not doing any of that crap house work.
Migraine: Ah don't lay down please don't I love making your life miserable it brings me such great joy. Mawahahahahaha!
Me: Screw You!

Me: Finally laying down. The lights are making me crazy. Grab something, anything to cover your eyes. I am not getting back up to get a washcloth, just use the pillow case, sounds good to me. Rip it off the pillow and tie it around your eyes. Okay done. Almost as bad as running five miles but I did it. Only problem? The stupid ass light show that continues to go on in my head doesn't care if my eyes are covered or not. Whites, blues, grays, they feel like waves crashing in the ocean onto the big rocks that are on the shore and every time they hit the waves of pain are horrible. It's not that bad, It's not that bad. Go to sleep.
Migraine: Right now you sound like a nut case. I hope you know people will never understand what you just wrote. But that's okay I love making you feel crazy. Mawahahahaha!
Me: SHUT THE HELL UP I AM GOING TO SLEEP WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT BITCH! (yes I swear when I get upset and when you are like this you really don't care)

12:00 pm: A text comes through and rings on my phone.
Me: Ughhhhh a text. Oh well I'm not moving. Head feels better to some degree, I think or at least hope. I know as soon as I get up the hangover will begin. Ring, there goes the second notice that my phone has a message. Okay, okay, I'll get up, just a few more minutes. The thing that confuses me is I thought I was laying on the other side of the couch and when I opened my eyes to check the time I am laying towards the back. Weird! Stupid migraine. Turn over and check the time. Ughhhhh. I will, I will. 11:52. Really? Half the day is gone. I hate this. Plus I know I won't get anything done as I try to work though the hangover stage of this. The "I just got hit by a bus"part. Oh well get up and get another cup of coffee, maybe this cup you can actually drink without wanting to puke it back up. Okay I'm up.
Migraine: Dang it she's gonna win this one again.
Me: Damn right I am. Just like every physical issue that tries to make me suffer and want to die you will not win. EVER! Eat that! I need my blog to write, to process all that went on this morning and then I will move on. Do at least a load of laundry. Yes, it will be hard but I can do it. Drink lots of water this afternoon. Take Eva for a walk, Don't give into this.
Migraine: Once again I lose but there is always next time. Mawahahahaha!

1:00 pm. Here I sit at the computer blurry eyed and ending this ridiculous argument that goes on in my head many more times than I care to admit. But I win and that is all that matters. I must force myself to do something. Yes, the pain is still there but it is a doable pain. If you experience migraines you understand this pain. Life goes on whether you like it or not so you better just make the best of whatever slaps you upside the face, or in this case head, and move on!

God Bless!