Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I worked on this art piece for many days and hours a few months ago after we moved for the third time this year. It is large 48" x 18". My head was going crazy because I hadn't done anything artistical (my word from the little rascals movie and I love it) in a long time. I needed to release some energy out of my brain and I have seen pieces like this before but nothing like this one. As any good artist does I pondered on the piece for some time in my head knowing this was what I wanted. I devised a mental plan as to what I was going to do. The biggest problem was the questioning in my head as to if the picture in my head was actually going to be what ended up on the canvas. The reason I chose this piece is because, even though it is hard to see, is made up of many small hand cut pieces of wood cedar shaker shingles. The struggles of trying to figure out what my/our life was and still is with all that has happened over the past year has me in such turmoil that I am questioning everything. Pure chaos to me. The pieces are just that to me chaos. Every time I would cut a piece of wood, stained it, and glue it on the canvas I would wonder if my life would ever come back together as the piece began to take shape. As I sit here I am still wondering but I also am starting to get a little more at ease with life now that I am able to hang up my art work, photos, and put some personal touches on our home. A new life that will all be okay I am sure. Funny how life works like that. We all go through those times in life. You know, the struggles, sometimes they fly by in a matter of days but other times the pit is deep and it takes time to climb your way out but eventually you do. It's called hope and you have to hang on to hope or you have nothing. We struggle through so many different things each of us. Whether health issues, financial problems, strained relationships, and the many other problems that come up but we hang on and push on because that is all we can do. A funny thing happens, as it did with this piece I call Pieces of Chaos, as I put the final coat of poly on it to make it shine and help preserve all my labor of love and as it all came together. I stood back and thought to myself wow it came together even better than the picture I had in my head. We doubt ourselves so much and when we do we miss out on the hope of things to come. It's like those problems in life. They may not always get better but eventually they become easier over time and things change for the better. This past year has taught me so much. I not only took the time to do this art piece but I strengthened relationships and I came to the realization there are relationships I need to sever the ties with. When you have time you think. It's a good thing. Stopping and stepping back to see the truth and make choices that work for you and not everyone else. It is freeing and a gift you give to yourself. It shapes you into the person you are really meant to be. I have realized in over fifty years I have never put myself first. I've decided that it is time. Not in a selfish way at all but in a way of caring for myself. I am always the one who tries to help everyone else with their issues but I never take the time for me. I have to stop and I feel like I am doing a good job of that over the past few months here. It's time! I can't make anyone's life better that is up to them not me. It feels so good to finally be able to think that way and it's okay. How freeing it is when all the pieces come together.
When it comes to my health as I took much time over the past ten months thinking about that too I have came to more realizations there also. Over the past years I allowed myself to put all my faith in the doctors to "cure" me not realizing it is in me that I may get a cure and not in them. It has been a year since I have been off all the really hard core drugs for my arthritis and I feel really good about that. Has my pain disappeared? No! But another amazing thing happened. Once I began to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn't do things started to change. I made the decisions no more doctors unless absolutely necessary. I took the control. Like I said I still have the same problems but I think about them differently now. If I hurt instead of telling myself I can't do much because I hurt I do something. Clean something. Bake. Cook. Whatever it is I find something. I am trying hard to use my mind which is something I have always done but it is different now. I am happy that since I went off the meds I have only had, guessing here, about four migraines. This is progress as I use to have them weekly. My extreme fatigue is still there and the same but oh well we are all tired at least that is what I tell myself. Yes, I still have to sit down and rest but I don't allow it to consume my day anymore. My fingers and hands are painful and sometimes don't work well but at least they work. Yes, there are the days I don't get much done but I get something done. I am wondering about getting a job outside the home besides helping Rich with his paper work. My head really wants to but I am concerned what will happen if I do and it is too much. The struggle with that is huge for me. I wonder about volunteering instead of a job but as sad as it sounds I almost feel it is time to feed myself instead of always giving out. A job would do that since I could be around people anyways and help out with bringing in some funds. I will see what happens as that mental conversation is going on constantly lately. We shall see. We moved and the chaos still continues which by the way reminds me that I am trying to come up with a new art project to release some of this madness in my head and to keep my mind off pain and suffering.
Today I will enjoy my Pieces of Chaos art piece as it hangs over our computer. I remember what it represents. A time in life of turmoil but also the hope that comes from all that turmoil. In conclusion: Life IS chaos in so many ways. In the end what is important is how WE decided to turn our chaos into beauty. Take the pieces and put them all together to bring beauty to ourselves. A beauty that has nothing to do with anyone else except YOU! Take your chaos and what you learn from it to move onto a better life for you and no one else. Only you can do it.