Monday, December 31, 2012

I Finally Made It

Well, one more goal met. I remember when I first became sick and tried to deal with not only the physical symptoms of being sick but the also the emotional symptoms/aspects. For a long time, even as sick as I was, I tried to fight it and keep up with the world. I thought I still had to be my old self. The self that could do everything. I continued to do as much as I could no matter how sick I was. I pushed myself so hard that looking back I wonder if it made me even sicker. If you know me at all I am stubborn as hell and I am a fighter. I don't give in very easily and I am pretty good at arguing when it comes to something I believe in. Although when I disagree with someone it can be easy for me to walk away or stay away from people who think their way is the right way or the only way. There are the times I wonder if my bullheaded demeanor made me even sicker. I do believe in the mind over matter when it comes to anything, especially illness. If I didn't believe it then I surely do not believe I would be here writing in my very own blog.

This past September marks my sixth year of dealing with my Inflammatory Arthritis and the neurological issues that are going on that seem to not have an answer. It is very frustrating to know and have the doctors tell you something is wrong but we just don't know what it is. You want to talk about being a strong person? Living each day feeling sick or different than the normal world and having no answer is its own hell. You know you are ill, they know you are ill, but their is no answer. Do you think you could do it? Live without an answer? It isn't easy and if you are not a strong person it could actually eat you alive or drive you into a mental hospital. I am fortunate to live with a man who understands. He sees my illness and is very supportive. He reminds me of past doctors appointments and what the doctors have said, especially on my bad days. He knows I am sick. The rest of the world doesn't. He lives it with me as the rest of the world only sees beautiful makeup and hair and a person dressed who looks just like them. Oh but on the inside I am much different. I am fighting a monster everyday, something most will never understand but that is okay because we do understand, we live it.

I met a friend on facebook who takes the natural approach to treating her arthritis. She has posted many good informational posts from her blog and I have learned a lot from her. Most importantly I have learned about stress and toxic people. You know and learn who your toxic people when you are ill, but then again I have always known. The ones who suck the life out of you always expecting you to do everything and bend for them but they are never willing to bend for you. They are always right and things always have to be their way. They know how you should live your life and are not afraid to tell you how. They think they can rule you and your family and are self centered and you are suppose to do what they say or else. Of all I have learned from my friends site the most important is that sometimes you must delete these people out of your life. The biggest question for me is how? How do you do this when some of these people are your so called family? I struggled with this especially for the first year. I stopped going to family events because every time I would go I would be sick the next day or depressed for a week after trying to understand how your so called family can be so rude. A few years back when something happened with this so called family the frosting was put on the cake for the last time. I  made the decision to cut ties except for when I absolutely had to see them. The first time year was hard but as time has gone on it had become so much easier. I don't feel bad or sad I feel refreshed and proud. Proud that I can finally make the choices for myself that are not only good for my health but for my soul and my emotional health. I watch people do things with others only to complain about it afterwards and I wonder why do we do it to ourselves? I am not willing to sacrifice anymore of my life to the energy sucking selfish people of the world. I feel I have done it long enough and it is time to focus on what is good in my life, the good people in my life, and what is right for me. I am grateful I have finally made it here it feel really good!

God Bless!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Keeping An Open Mind

I am trying to keep an open mind about my sleep issue. I am not getting too worked up with the fact that I am getting virtually no sleep and am feeling awful. I am not that worked up about it. Truthfully I am just trying to keep my body working in sync as it is so deprived of sleep that nothing is working together. Yesterday my neck was in so much pain I could hardly function. I had a horrific headache that I decided when I got up I was not going to give into. I did many things around the house and fought through the pain. If you have ever been sleep deprived you might be able to understand where I am at with all of this. You also might understand why I came to the decision to take a Xanax at bed last night. Ya, ya, ya I know my doctor is totally against it but my doctor isn't living my life of sleep deprivation. I took a half of pill around 10:30 and after I read for a while I went to bed. I laid there for a short time and I was out. I woke up once in the night to turn my stiffened body over and fell right back to sleep. My neck did not wake me up at all last night, which is funny since the past few months my neck at night has be giving me hell to say the least. I woke up and turned in the morning and knew that Rich was up but I fell right back asleep. I woke at 10:20 and forced myself to look at the clock. Truthfully I could have slept all day. I have over two months of no sleep to catch up on, but I forced myself to get up. I got out of bed and much to my surprise my neck was better. Hummm, that is another surprise because since I have stopped the Xanax, per my doc, my neck has been worse in the daytime too. I have been suffering to say the least.

I am still baffled as to why I cannot take this drug at bed. I have absolutely no intentions of ever taking it during the day. I have absolutely no intentions of becoming addicted to it like all these docs think I will. I take it to sleep, plain and simple. It works for me. All the other drugs I have tried have not helped me one bit and have only made me worse when I took them. I am at a rock and hard place. I don't know what to do. It is clear my new doc is not going to work with me and believes in the one size fits all approach. Well, not always and especially not with me. I am getting more and more frustrated. I am pissed at hell that I am diagnosed with anxiety over the phone the other day by a doctor who hasn't even seen me and then told to take Zoloft. Seriously? When Rich came home that night and I told him that I had anxiety and he looked at me with a funny look on his face, "You with anxiety, I don't think so." Of course the first thing I said was, "Thank you very much." I do not have anxiety. I can't fall asleep so that means I have anxiety now? I am at my wits end and I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety comes from people, sometimes, many times  docs, who do not get me. There are very few who do and very few who ever will. I am working with a physical therapist now for my neck and he is figuring me out real fast. He is already seeing that I am different and understanding it. I am grateful to my few docs who get me and are willing to work with me and do what is best for me, many aren't.

I am happy today. I slept last night. I feel like a whole different person today and for that I am grateful as ever. The worst part is I am at a place where I am wondering how I am going to get these drugs to help me sleep. I am worried and yes anxious about this one issue. Rich is beside himself as he watches what this no sleep is doing to me. He continues to tell me he is going to take the matter into his own hands. I have told him no and he respects what I want, but now I wonder. Do I let him help me here since I am not being listened to? Do I quit the drugs and never sleep again? Believe me I have not felt this good in a few months and it makes me miss my sleep even more. No sleep is a hellashish kind of torture. My memory is gone. I can't concentrate. I can't socialize. I don't want to go anywhere. I am exhausted to the core, but today is different and I will enjoy it! I will look forward to an answer to this issue because I know there is one somewhere in the near future.

God Bless!


Friday, December 21, 2012

Insomnia Sminsomnia Part 2

Yesterday was part 1 of installment of Insomnia Sminsomnia today is part 2. Last night I decided I would take another ambien in the hopes of a good nights sleep. I laid in bed with chest pain and thought to myself why did I take this? Seriously? The past three times I took it I hated it but I am so tired I was hoping I would get a better result this time but nope. I thought to myself as I laid there this is worse than laying here waiting to fall asleep for a few hours without any drug in my system. I have come to realize I hate these meds that are suppose to help the normal population sleep better, they don't help me at all, only make it worse. I don't know if it is the combination of all the other stuff I take mixing and working against one another all I know is I don't like it. I especially hate feeling like the walking dead the day after, today. I am a zombie. I feel like I didn't sleep all night and I feel sad. This is not me at all. I am frustrated and angry to some degree, but I will save all those details as I have blurted them all out in past blogs. I know it will get better!

When I woke up this morning feeling like hell I decided I would call my doc back and see if she had any other ideas on how to get me to sleep. I have exhausted every pill they have available that helps with sleep, they just don't work for me for some reason. I always think it is because of my thyroid because almost every drug tells you not to take it or be careful if you have thyroid disease. All I know is if I take a drug it always affects me differently than it is suppose to affect everyone else. I know it sounds crazy, but true. Back to the doc phone call. This morning my so called insomnia diagnosis has been changed to anxiety and she wants me to try zoloft. Seriously? I was in shock when this new diagnosis came to the table, shock has turned into more frustration. First off I looked up anxiety and the only symptom I have is I have a hard time falling asleep. Secondly, why would I take a drug at bedtime that has a side effect of causing you not to sleep? Are you kidding me? I am starting to lose my faith in the medical system. Take this, take that, and I am so tired of it all. It is a frustrating cycle of events, one after another. I am tired of dealing with all of it. I just want to sleep, that's all. Now that I have done my research on this drug I decided I am going to steer clear of it for now, at least until I talk to Dr Key. I am going to research more ways to use Yoga and meditation to help me calm my mind before I get into bed. I do not need a drug! I do not need a drug! I am going to continue to tell my brain I do not need a drug and eventually I think it will get the message and if not then I will deal with it at that time.

Hopefully installment 3 of insomnia siminsomnis/(anxiety?) does not turn into another diagnosis before I get this all worked out and I will!

God Bless!


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Insomnia Sminsomnia

Insomnia? Are you kidding me? Yup, my latest diagnosis. Really? I cannot wrap my head around this one at all. I really can't. I have been struggling with it for a few months now since the Xanax pull trying to figure it out. I can't agree that is my diagnosis. What do you think of when you hear the word insomnia? I think of someone staring at the ceiling not sleeping at all, not someone who has a hard time falling asleep but once there is out.

According to my mother as soon as she gave birth to me I was not a sleeper at all. I came out eyes wide open. Just like me, I never miss a thing, still. Okay, maybe the old Dianne never missed a thing, this new one misses a lot more than she should. Insomnia? I don't think so. As I grew my mother tells me I would crawl out of my crib and crawl into a corner and cry. It got so bad they had to put a net over the crib to keep me in there. I'm pretty sure that would be child abuse now a days but back then we use to ride in the back seat of the car up against the window on the ledge, so caging your child must have been common practice. But really if you think about it what were they suppose to do to make me sleep? Insomnia? humm, at age two?I grew into my own big girl bed and had issues there too. I had the creepiest room in the house. I swear it was haunted and I will leave it at that. I didn't sleep much. I mostly laid there with my eyes open worrying about school or the boogie man under my bed always pulling the covers over my head to protect me. I grew up more and we moved. I was in 3rd grade and I couldn't wait for that summer move to get out of that creepy bedroom that I never slept in. Ahhh, the move came and I had hope of sleep. I was much more relaxed in my new bedroom that didn't have any boogie men under the bed. You would think I could sleep. Nope. The older I got I begged for a small tv one Christmas so I had something to help get me sleepy. I finally got one in the later years and I was able to fall asleep better. My problem is not the sleep, not at all, my problem is the falling asleep part. This has followed me into adulthood. Insomnia? I really don't thinks so since it has been with me since birth. I believe my brain works differently. That is why I was so happy when I found the Xanax. It did the job perfectly for me. I was finally, after 46 years,  able to fall asleep. It was my answer until my new doctor said no more. I miss it so. I am hardly able to function lately. My whole personality has changed. I am exhausted to say the least. I have another sleeping pill to take which helps but I hate it because it affects my memory and then I can't sleep the next two nights after I take it. Insomnia? Yes! I feel like I do have it now because I am up all night long. This is sheer torture. I don't remember it being this much torture before the Xanax.

Yes, I know what you are thinking, get a sleep test. Do you want to hear about that nightmare? I had one about ten years ago. It was horrible from the first time I met the sleep doc. He told me I needed to lose 100 lbs. Seriously? Okay I will be skin and bone and never eat asshole. I was so rude to him and he knew I was pissed. I told him that I wouldn't sleep at the test because I don't fall asleep and when I travel I never sleep so I knew this test was a bad idea. "Oh don't worry our tech's know how to get you to sleep." I went. I didn't sleep. At four thirty am the tech came in and asked if I wanted to leave because there wasn't enough time to do the test. I said, "Yes, I told the doc I wasn't going to sleep but apparently he knows my body better than I do". Man, I was pissed to say the least. I get a call from his nurse the next day that he wants me to go back. I asked her if she was kidding me. Then, she said Mr jerkface wanted to meet with me again in the office and I told her I had to think about it. In the meantime my primary doc called and asked me to go back. I did. He apologized, which after the lose weight comment, his apology meant nothing. I did go back but this time he gave me two ambien pills which knocked me out. I felt like I was on some kind of high I just wanted to come out of. I slept to some degree but I remember feeling awake the whole night. The test came back showing little to no sleep problem but he wanted to start me on some sort of seizure meds at bedtime so I slept deeper. I said, "Are you kidding me?" I was so drugged up no wonder I couldn't sleep, geeze. I went home and researched the medication and decided I was having no part of that. What a waste of my time and money not to mention the insurance money. The WORST experience I have ever had in my life medically. My Neuro mentioned a sleep study the last time I saw him. I didn't say anything all the while thinking in my head there is no way in hell I am doing that again. He assured me you can even do it at home now. We will see. For now the answer is no but who knows what the future brings.

Sleep is so important. I have gained over ten pounds since the drop of the Xanax, not changing my diet at all. It must be true what they say, No sleep and you gain weight. I never believed that but now I do, especially since the ten came on over night, so it seemed. I am frustrated, exhausted, and feel like I am loosing a part of myself. I hate to continue on like this. I am looking forward to talking with my Rheumatologist in a month to see what she has to say about this. I trust her judgement totally as she has been instrumental in relieving my symptoms. I don't know what I would do without her. As for now I press on. Another issue. Insomnia? No? Yes? Maybe? I hope not! All I want is a good night sleep is that too much to ask for? I am staying positive and hanging onto the hope that seeing Dr Key the matter will get resolved somehow.

God Bless!


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Am I Dying Or Is It The Drugs

Man the past month has been brutal. I don't even know where to begin, that's how bad it has been. I have developed some strange, either reaction or side effects, from my Methotrexate injection. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out. You do that you know, try to figure out every little detail as to why you are suffering more than the "usual" suffering. Is it that my body is becoming ill from this drug? After all it has been almost six years since I have been on this poison, five of them on the injection form. Yes, a shot every Wednesday at some point during the day. When Wednesday arrives I feel myself delaying the shots even more as the day continues because I know what is going to happen. I use to look forward to them because they offered me so much relief, now it seems they are adding to my problems. The results from this drug have been good in the past with the exception of a headache the day of and the run down tired feeling that goes away within twenty four hours, at least until a month or so ago when things began to change. The symptoms are becoming very scary. I am weak, fatigued beyond my "normal" weak and fatigue, hot then cold, headaches, achy that is different, but worst of all is the night time symptoms when I am trying to sleep. I can't explain it. I get some sort of a rush in my chest that wakes me up almost like I have stopped breathing and my brain is nudging me to wake up and get some air. I get hot and sweaty and it scares the hell out of me. I mean really, if I am going to die in my sleep then get it over with already and stop waking me up. Okay, settle down that was my attempt at a little bit of humor, so relax. This weird sensation follows me in the daytime too for a few days after the shots so I am thinking it can't be a sleep apnea thing because it wouldn't happen during the day. All I know it I don't like it!

I have been trying to figure this out, going over it and over it in my head. The only thing, and I think the biggest thing, is that I am not sleeping. The Xanax pull has cut at least four to five hours of good solid sleep out of my regularly scheduled sleeping pattern and my body is in shock. We all know how important sleep is but when you are ill it is ten time more important and when you are losing that many hours it is bound to affect your health. This week I decided I would decrease the dosage of the shot down a bit to see if that helped. It has to some degree but I am still not right at all. It seems I am not as sick as the last few weeks. Last week the symptoms lasted five days, this week they are still here only a bit better. I called my Rhematologist who said I need to decrease even more to half the dose, see if that helps, and if not call back. She doesn't want me to quit the medication, as I threatened, because I have had such good results with it up until this point.Yes, that is how bad these symptoms are, I was going to get off it. I figure I can deal with more pain and stiffness better than whatever "this" is. I feel much better knowing she has all the details. I am to call if this doesn't help and if it does we will add back a higher does slowly if needed. I press on for now and see what the future has to hold. I hope when I drop the dose next Wednesday I start to feel better because I cannot even imagine celebrating any holiday like this. I just want to crawl in a hole, BUT you know me that is not going to happen! We have a party with some friends tonight and I am not in the mood or in any way feeling physically up to a to party, BUT I  will go, I hope! I will have fun! Mind over matter! Keeping the thought in my head that it will all go good and I will be okay. Also, praying tomorrow isn't worse because I went out. You know how with chronic illness there is a pay off. Do too much pay the price and when you are already feeling lousy the pay off is even worse. Inside I really do feel like I am dying. It is weird I have never felt this awful, BUT it will get better, it has to! Press on my friends as will I!

God Bless!


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Home Sweet Home Or Bath Sweet Bath!

Well, there it is. All I want for Christmas. I'm not talking about a trip to somewhere that will only last a week or a place that is somewhere that will only become a memory, but a place, a haven where I can go to rest my aching body when it is turning against me. A place to loosen the painful muscles. A place to relax and calm my mind. A place like above to soul search and find that inner peace that is so easily distracted by all that I should be doing and quite frankly on many days am unable to do. We all need to have a place like this to let it all go and forget about all that the world is trying to pull from us. A place to just be. A place to quit the mind and the soul.

I have a place, well, a bathtub. It is without a doubt, with the exception of Rich's arms, my favorite place to be in the world. To be truthful the bath is the place I go to before I can go into Rich's arms so I guess it is really my go to place. It is crazy but when I first saw this picture it actually took my breath away. You see, when you live in pain the heat and the water become your best friend. It is sad that whatever you do and wherever you go that most of the time all you can envision is your hot, steamy bathtub. It's the sad truth and you know what? I don't even care that I have to admit that anymore.There are times I sit waiting for the water to fill up and I thank the Lord for our bathtub. For me the bath is like whiskey to the alcoholic or chocolate to the chocoholic. I am being very serious here.

Rich is my number one cheerleader when it comes to my bath addiction. His famous last words in the evening are, "You go take your bath and I will finish up here," which may be doing dishes or whatever I am in the middle of at any given time. The times he can read my face and know that it is time to go soak to relax all the muscles that are overworked trying to keep my joints moving. Of course some days are worse than others and it is amazing to me how he knows by just looking at me. I am not a complainer, unless it is a really bad day, I would never let him know, but he does. He worries way to much and has enough stress with his job so I try to fake it. Well, you can't fake it with the person who can read you like a book. So I hear, "Go take your bath," almost every single night.

We are talking about moving into a house with less steps, not only because steps can be hard to get up, but they can also be a hazard to someone who has issues walking down them. Falling and getting hurt is a constant when you are ill, so we are seriously looking for a place that is ground level and has no steps or very few. Our house now is on a hill with nothing but steps, steps, steps. I hate it but I do not let Rich know how much, but he knows. The funny part is that the two things Rich is concerned with when we either find a house or build one is number one, the bathtub, and number two, no steps. It saddens me that all he worries about is me. He isn't worried about having the big man garage or the things other men worry about, no he is worried about the bath and the steps. Living with me has changed his whole being. It saddens me so.
The past month or so I have been thinking about all the scrap booking stuff I have in the spare bedroom in the basement  and I thought it would be so nice to have all that stuff on the main floor so I could actually do it. I waited and waited to tell Rich my idea because I didn't want to add more onto his plate but the other day I did bring it up, finally. He was ready to move it the second I told him what I was thinking. He is always so willing to make life easier for me. I told him not now and to wait until the guys were here and they could all do it together. It seems he gets so wrapped up and worried about taking care of me he forgets about himself. It is hard for me, very hard. Geeze, here I go getting off track again, I never know where this blog is going to lead me.

Back to the bath. Truthfully I don't care what kind of bath we get as long as we have one available. It makes no difference to me if it has jets, if it is round, if it is large, or if it is small, as long as it has hot steamy water and I can cover my body I am good! I think it is time to end this blog because I hear something. I can hear the words of Rich telling me, "Just go take your bath," so you know what? I think that is just what I am going to do.

God Bless!


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Can You Hear That?

Listen real close, can you hear that? No, not that car that just drove past with their music blasting. No, not your children screaming, maybe fighting, or just playing in the other room. No, not the dog barking. Listen again, hear it? Boink, boink, boink. Yup that is me banging my head up against the wall for at least the tenth time in the past two years. I don't know why I cannot learn my lesson the first time something doesn't work out for me. I still have to try the same thing over and over and then realize and ask myself why? WHY? I guess I am a slow learner or just a dope.

What am I talking about? Getting this hair brain idea that I can stop taking these drugs I am on. Every single time I try to do it I am slammed down so hard that I can hardly function. I tried once again, as I did a few months ago, to cut down on the prednisone/medro and now I am paying dearly for it. I can hardly function. I am weak, tried beyond anything anyone could understand, and my pain and stiffness have been worse. When I feel like this it sends me into some sort of isolation mode. I can hardly take care of myself and to see other people is totally exhausting and takes way to much energy, energy I don't have to expend. The tiniest drop in this med can send me into a tail spin. It not only affects me physically but emotionally. I become so exhausted that I break down very easily. It is hard to realize, and have to believe, that you are going to have to take these stupid drugs for the rest of your life just to be able to function. It is hard to get out of bed and not feel like you haven't slept and to have more morning stiffness than usual. But I have to come to the realization that these are all the signs that I cannot drop the dose of this drug and more than likely will need them for the rest of my life. That is a harder pill to swallow than the actual pill(s).

My biggest issue in trying to cut out medications is I start to listen to other people. No drugs seems to work for some people with autoimmunes, I am very happy for them don't get me wrong, but when I start to believe that maybe if I cut out this drug out I can cut out another, for me it isn't a good idea. I want to really bad in my heart and soul to get off these drugs but every time I do there is a payoff. The payoff isn't worth the idea of being drug free so I go back on the drug until I forget how bad it was to try to wean off it and then go through the same cycle once again only to realize I can't do it. If you know me, can't isn't a word in my vocabulary and I think that is why I try to get off these drugs over and over again. The worst part is that when I decide I am going to get back on the regular dose I was on before the taper it takes a week or two to get back to the normal, my normal, that I was before the initial dosage drop that I always regret. Every time this happens I tell Rich I am not going to do that again but then I turn around and do it again. You think he would slap me upside the head and say knock it off, but he never does. He always understands. he knows the mental hell this is as well as the physical hell it is. I must have been worse then ever to warrant a dozen roses. You have no idea how those roses make me realize how hard this disease is on him and not just me, but that would be a whole other blog entry. I don't think I would be sane without his love, support, ears, and shoulder to cry on. He always knows what to say to make it better. I am thankful or that!

Today: back on drugs. No more tapering or cutting a drug out, no more banging my head up against the wall. Boink. I am hoping that the drugs get me back to my "normal" state before Christmas gets here. If not, one day at a time as usual. The next time you might hear that boink could you please leave me a message and remind about this blog entry? I really would appreciate it!

God Bless!


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Yoga: My Big Step Out In A Normal World That Doesn't Understand

Today I write for a specific reason but I am sure before I am done I will touch on more than one issue. I write a lot about not fitting into the real world. I write how I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere because no one could really understand what I am going through or living with. In my real life, outside of my blog, I am not as happy to devulge as much information to others as I do though my blog. It is just too painful for me to actually talk about and to see the looks of healthy people trying to understand when they never could. The exact reason why I usually say I am either ok, fine, or good when someone asks me how I am.

Last night I had a huge awakening and almost a ah-hah moment, not that I don't have a lot of those on a regular basis, but this one was a little different. You already know I have been doing yoga. It has been eight weeks now with the exception of missing one because of a doctors appointment that took longer than expected. Yesterday was a rough day for me. My sleep has been horrible and yesterday I was feeling the affects of not sleeping. It is almost like a form of self torture when you have trouble sleeping night after night. I never knew what this felt like before and it sure isn't fun. I have sleeping pills but I have found that they make me crazy. I took them a a few times and I do not like them. I went to the store the other day and felt like a zombie walking around and around in circles on them so I have decided no more of those unless I am desperate. Funny how I never had this on the xanax. I slept well and woke up pretty refreshed. Now I am given sleeping pills which, for me, have much worse side effects than the xanax and I don't sleep well on them at all. I still can't figure this one out and am anxious to talk to my Rheumatologist about it. On the way to yoga last night and after the way I felt all the past few days along with all the negative self talk I felt from lack of sleep I almost turned the car around and went back home. I was in tears on the way. I literally pulled into a church parking lot and made a deal with myself. if my yoga mat was not in the back of the trailblazer I was going to go home and not go, if it was there I was going. It is funny because I thought it was in the house and when I opened up the hatch, ta-dah there it was. "Crap!" I said to myself, "You are going and knock this crap off and go. " Off I went to yoga class.

Getting back to the real world and the ah-hah moment. The first five weeks of yoga I looked forward to going. It was the very, very beginner class, the basics. The instructor was/is great. It was a comfortable setting because all the people in the class were just like me as far a never having had any yoga knowledge. The next class I signed up for after the very very beginner was the beginner class. I was nervous yet excited about going. I had finished the first five weeks and felt okay about yoga. My neck by this point was still not doing better but the instructor told me it could take up to a year. A year? Ughhhhh! Believe me with chronic illness you learn patience in many different ways so why did I expect yoga to be any different? Signing up for the second class was huge step for me. This class would have people in it who knew much more about yoga than I had learned in five short weeks. I signed up anyways! The first week went okay. You see, this class had been together for a while and there were only a few new people, one lady who was in my class, and myself that I know of. The hardest part for me in this class is that I am different. There was a group of women three or four of them who were yucking it up a lot of the time time. I left wondering if this was the environment of the class and wondering why I am doing this but I also thought to myself just keep going this is good for you! The second week the women were worse. Saying how they filled out a form at the end of the last session and one of them put on their form how they wanted more fun people in the class. Last night, the third week, one of their friends moved over by them and one said, "Oh ya come over here to the fun side of the room." Of course I was on the side of the room that apparently has no idea how to have fun. Seriously? If you know me at all I have a fuse. It doesn't get lit very often but when it does everyone better watch out. My fuse was half way lit from the few weeks before and I had to control myself to not let it lose because if I would have it wouldn't have been pretty. I bit my tongue and sat there in utter amazement that someone was so rude to say things like that, as was the rest of the side I was on. Odd to me because these women work in a profession that you would think they wouldn't act like that in public. Enough said.

The story above, for me at least, is one of those that I am talking about when I say the normal or real world doesn't understand. You see, for me the yoga is not for fun. The yoga for me is a HUGE step not just an hour a week I go somewhere so I can hang with my girls, belittle others, and brag to others that I am in a yoga class. To put it mildly and what I thought in my head the first week I met this class and wanted then and still want to shout out to them: "THIS YOGA CLASS IS SERIOUS SHIT FOR ME SO SHUT UP WOULD YOU?" Yes, this is my non-filtered head the things people can't hear me say but many times what I think. Me at my finest when I get pissed. This class pisses me off, not the class but these women.
Then the ah-hah moment. On the way home last night I pulled back and thought to myself. These woman have no idea what I live with. They see a blonde, freshly colored I might add :), who has a nice yoga outfit, nice makeup, does all the poses, and has come to class each week just like they have. They see a person who is no different then they are. Would I ever let them know about my struggles? No way! If they have no compassion for anyone else in the class why would I ever trust them with my life story? I wouldn't. You see I am the person who believes in the quote by Maya Angelou, "When a person shows you who they are the first time believe them." These woman have showed me who they are for the past three weeks and to tell you the truth I would never hang out with people like that. I never use to be like this but now my time is precious. Time for me is life. The small amount of so called "good" time for me is precious. the "good" time that allows me to go to a yoga class is a treasure for me. If I am feeling good enough to go to a yoga class then I am there for a reason, in hopes of feeling better because of it. I will not allow the normal world to cloud that out for me and I will not become angry and bitter. I will not become angry and bitter. I will not become angry and bitter. By the time I got home I was over it for the most part. I was glad I went even when I so wanted to turn that car around and stay home. I learned a lesson, self taught, last night. Just because I don't feel like doing something I still must do it and from now on I will go to yoga in a better state of mind even if the real world has no idea why I am there.

God Bless!


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My Distorted Self Image

When I first saw this cartoon it made me laugh and yell hells ya! Reminded me of the song I'm sexy and I know it. I mean if you think about it being sexy is not just an outside thing but it really comes from deep within your soul. Am I any less sexy than I was before the illness? The other thing I thought about this picture was, that is so me, in a picture at least. Adventurous, pretty secure in myself, most of the time. I like to be alone, and taking the risk of sounding like a snob, I like myself. I am my favorite person to hang out. I am always right, which is usually the case even when people are around. I am pretty much in control when I am alone and have no one to argue with or yell at. I have no one to take care of but me. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to hear anyone say 'I don't want to do that.' It isn't a bad place to be, alone with yourself, and since I spend more than half my life alone I have learned to bring out the creative person that has been hiding away for years because I was so busy trying to make everyone else happy. I like where I am at now and I'm not afraid to say that. I hope that doesn't come across as a selfish statement, just a true one. A confident statement. A I know who I am statement. To me there is nothing wrong with that. You see, when you are alone a lot you learn who you are and that isn't a bad thing at all! Plus, being ill kind of pushes you into a place where you are better off alone. It is hard to be in the world because you can never keep up. It is all good.

I colored my roots today, yes I am vain too, and as I was drying my hair after I washed the color out I thought to myself, do I have a distorted self image? I sure do feel like the woman sliding down the slide but as I look in the mirror I see a different woman. I remembered the last time I slid down the slide with Hunter and Addi at the park and the next week was horrible as my neck went out and the pain was excruciating. I surely am unable to wear the red high heels anymore, not that I ever could. I can hardly balance on two feet let alone high heels so now the fashionable red slippers take their place. Her outfit? Ya, looks sweet and sexy on her but I am pretty sure I could never find it in my size. The same words keep crossing through my mind, do I have a distorted self image? I have to believe I don't, but I still wonder as that keeps crossing through my mind. Do I have a distorted self image? Yes, there was a time I was able to do all that stuff. Slide down a slide without a payoff. Put on the heels and drive my man crazy and not fall. Wear the skimpy cloths but as I think about it I still do all those things just in a different way. A way that keeps me acting my age. A way that protects me from the evil called pain. A way that still drives my man crazy, but then he is a man, doesn't take much there. We both have relaxed more as we have aged. All in a good way. A way that helps me to realize my self image isn't so distorted after all even with all I have been through and I love that!

God Bless!


Monday, December 3, 2012


Jealousy. What does that word mean to you? I am sure we all could have a story about jealousy. A story of jealousy amongst family members. A jealousy amongst friends. A jealousy amongst coworkers. How come we are able to look at others and wish we had what they had while all along missing out on our own fortune? I have witnessed people torn apart by jealousy and it is a sad thing to endure. I myself have been affected by jealous people. I myself am not a jealous person and I never really have been. I find that when someone gets something, is promoted, has a child or grandchild, etc, that I feel a huge sense of happiness in my heart for them. I could care  less about all the stuff others get as I am able to be happy with what I have. I have no idea why I am like this. Maybe my parents instilled in me that having all the stuff of the world isn't/wasn't important or maybe it is because we never had the money to have all the stuff. I never ever remember my parents being jealous of anyone only doing good for others. I am thankful for that lesson.

What the heck does jealousy have to do with chronic illness? Truthfully I almost hate hearing that word, jealousy, more than likely because of the fact that I don't understand it. I think I may have felt a little pang of jealousy this past weekend as Rich and I did our usual Christmas shopping. We have always done this together so this year was no different. I would never be able to go out for a whole day shopping without him, and by whole day I mean 4-5 hours. We don't buy lots of stuff for our family just a few little items but now with little ones around it adds a little more time on to our shopping day. I was in Meijer looking at the toys for the kids when I about had a panic attack. A little girl was singing Christmas carols up and down the isles, another lady was standing behind me literally breathing down my neck invading my space, and all I wanted to do was run and get to the car as fast as I could. I have a terrible time at Christmas with all this Christmas cheer mostly because I don't understand why people cannot have that cheer all year long. I was waiting, more like longing, for Rich to return to me as he was at the other end of the store picking something else up. There I stood like a child waiting for my parent to save me from the chaos that surrounded me at that moment. You see when you don't get out much and with pain and fatigue all I wanted to do is run in and run out and be done! The real world for me is different than it is for most people. I feel like I am an outcast and have no place in it anymore. I live in a different world than most and it takes a lot to admit that.

Later that afternoon when we got home I was tired but very happy to be home, in my safe haven. The one place where I can rest if I need to. The place I can be myself, so to speak. The place I don't have to be someone I'm not. If I am weak or in pain I can let it out. Rich is use to it but the real world? Not so much. I'm pretty sure if I sat down in the middle of the Meijer toy isle I would have gotten some pretty awkward stares from people, from the "normal" people, who have no idea. We finished and headed home.
As soon as we had all the stuff, let me rephrase that, as soon as Rich had all the stuff in the house I said to him, "Is five o'clock too early to go take my bath?" His answer, "Of course not, go and I will take are of everything down here." I went and he did, as usual. I laid in the hot bath relaxing all the painful joints and muscles thinking to myself about the day. It doesn't happen often but when it does it does, and I began to cry. Jealous? Maybe just a little. Sad? For sure! I thought about being able to shop like I use to and getting excited about Christmas like I use to. Now it is just a major chore and a whole lot of work that exhausts me to the core. Don't get me wrong I love it when it is happening but all the preparation is absolutely exhausting for a person who is chronically ill and I never know what it is going to do to me after the fact. Jealous I can't have a "normal" Christmas. Somewhat.

I got out of the tub after my pity party and went down stairs. Rich had no idea how I was feeling until I sat on the couch and started to tell him how hard the day was for me. He is so chipper. Smiling and saying, "Oh come on that is why you have me. God knew what he was doing when he put us together." Then I really started to cry and told him I knew all that and then I asked him what would I do without him. If something ever happened to him? Yes, when you are ill you wonder about things like this. In his usual fashion he said, "Nothing is going to happen I'm not going anywhere." For some reason he thinks he is immune to this death thing because God knows I need him to take care of me. He comes over and kneels down and puts his arms around me and reminds me of his love, but most of all about his understanding, he gets illness better than anyone because he lives with with me it all the time. He makes my jealousy go away. The jealousy of having no medical issues to deal with, the not being able to shop without thinking about the pay off. He reminds me how truly blessed I am. I feel better and return to my un-jealous self real fast!

God Bless!


Thursday, November 29, 2012

It's All A Process

I have been having a terrible time with sleep since stopping the Xanax. I cannot fall asleep. I try. I try to talk to myself and prepare myself with the self talk in hopes of falling asleep when I hit the pillow. It seems to be getting worse as the nights go on. Last night I laid there until two am and decided it was time to get up so I went downstairs and watched a little television. Oh ya, that will help anyone relax, over 200 hundred channels of crap to get your juices flowing even more. I can go to bed and feel tired but as soon as I lay down my brain likes to jab me and start messing with me. It likes to go over all the crap that it should have put to rest from going over it and over it all day long. If that makes any sense as I am person who has to make sense of everything. Truthfully, I miss the Xanax so much. I almost caved last night and took some but I self talked myself into not going down that road again. I went to the doctor the other day and now I am going to try Ambien for sleep. I am not sure I am happy about this treatment either as this can also be habit forming and you are not suppose to take it for more than five weeks at a time. So after five weeks I stop and I am worse because I now have become somewhat addicted to Ambien? It is a no win situation, at least for me. My doctor also told me there are now insomnia clinics. You dedicate so much time to taking the classes and it involves a lot of homework on training your brain to sleep. I can hardly even think of adding more to my plate as I am going to start PT for my cervical spine and my foot. One step at a time is all I can handle. It is all so very exhausting to say the least, which you think would help me sleep. Hummmm, no such luck. I am anxious about starting therapy. Using the energy it will take to do therapy will completely wear me down which I am sure makes no sense to most of the world but if you are chronically ill you understand.

I laid there with all of the above running through my head at three am when I finally climbed back in bed and I thought to myself: THIS IS ALL A PROCESS. I also thought to myself: I AM SICK OF THE PROCESS. I wish it were like a merry go round where you could just stop the insanity and jump off and it is all erased, but then what would I/we learn from our process? I finally feel asleep thinking about the process and wanting to run to my blog at three am to write. I resisted. My blog has become my one true friend that really gets me. The friend I can pour it all out to and not have someone tell me things like you are fine, my blog just listens and I am in control and if you know me I love that! I woke up at nine am because I couldn't sleep anymore and my brain began to work all over again. If only we have a little switch on the side of our head to flip it off. No such luck.

The more I thought about the process and before my strange slumber I thought about the process and how all of life is really just that, a process. The process of growing up in, at times, a hateful world. Mean children while you make your way through elementary school. The process of being a part of a family and fitting in there. The process of Jr and Sr high school and fitting in there all the while wondering what the heck is going on. The process of college and all dealing with life on a whole different level. The process of having all the right cloths or being cool and fitting in somewhere. The process of finding a mate and getting married, having children, raising children, working, making friendships, getting hurt, having health issues, and the list could go on and on. I am sure you can add many of your own processes. You survive all the processes, somehow, we all do. All of life is a process and when I think of it I made it through all the hard parts so I am sure I can make it through the process of finding a way to sleep. It will all work out, it always does.

In the end, and only this morning did it hit me, I figured out what the process was. Do you know? Think about it for a second or two.............The process is called life. It can throw some hard knocks your way. It may even eat you alive at times but you have to try to focus on the good things through your process. Does that mean we forget all the hard parts of the process? No! Those are the parts that make us who we are and mold us either in a good way or a bad way. It is up to you to decide what you will let the process do to you. I believe the process never ends until the day we die. We must live each day to its fullest and take the bad when it comes, learn, and move on. We must also savor the good as well. In the end it is all our own make up, our own lessons, and our own life. Here's to hoping for a good nights sleep tonight or maybe a little nappypoo to catch up on the six hours I lost last night in the process.

God Bless!


Monday, November 26, 2012

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year...Or Is It

Well folks it is that time once again. Sing it, It's the most wonderful time of the year, or is it? People rushing around trying to make all those purchases they think will make their life, and the lives of others, oh so much better only to realize after they get something they want something bigger and better. That time of the year of eating like pigs and making New Years Resolutions you will never keep to lose all that fat. That time of the year for planning get togethers with people who really don't care about seeing one another but they have to do it because the world tells them to do so. That time of year we all are oh so nice to one another when we are in public but when it is all over we go back to being rude and obnoxious. Ah yes it must be the most wonderful time of the year. Don't get me wrong I know there are some people who do love this time of the year. Those who do like getting gifts and appreciate them all. Those who watch what they eat because they don't want to have to make those New Years Resolutions. Those who have close families who love to get together and they really do care about one another. Those who are kind in public all year round, there still are a few left out there.

I wonder if I have to list what all the stress of this month brings to a person with chronic illness. I can leave much to your imagination as to what happens and if you want further explanation just read some of my past blogs and insert HERE, times ten for some.

I have a friend who always made me laugh year after year and I never forgot how she would say it to me. "All that crap on television is so unrealistic. Everything is perfect. The food, the decorations, the happy people all getting along, that is not how it is at all. It is a big time of stress and arguing and fighting. Think about it the next time you watch one of those so called perfect commercials." Insert belly laugh here. How true! I thought about what she told me so many years ago and every time I see those commercials this time of the year. Over the years I have more and more realized how right she is. Scrooge? I don't think so. Just a realist who see's the world for what it really is. Am I a scrooge? If I had to answer that for myself I would have to fess up and answer, yes. Truthfully ever since one of my best friends and a man I loved dearly was killed on Christmas Eve many years ago I have questioned everything about life. The worst lost I had ever experienced and it had to happen on Christmas Eve, the most wonderful time of the year. For me not so much after that. A part of my heart died and was buried along with Tim, a part of my heart that had gave me hope for the future and after he died nothing ever seemed to be real to me anymore. I didn't then and I never will understand why he was taken. There really wasn't any reason as to why he had to go. I struggle with that one everyday. Yes, that was the year Christmas changed for me and I became somewhat of a scrooge. I remember it clearly like it was yesterday and I was 19 when he died. This year I will be 50 and the pain of losing him still makes this time of the year unbearable for me. I get through every year somehow with the help of Rich and the kids especially the little ones who bring back that excitement I use to know.

The focus. The focus for me at Christmas time is the hope I have and it comes from a tiny baby in a manger. If I did not have a faith in that birth many years ago I am not sure I could have made it through the most wonderful time of the year for so many years. Knowing I will see Tim again helps me to make it though another year of the most wonderful time of the year. I will make it the best I can and I will enjoy my immediate family to it's fullest, as always. We will celebrate the birth of our Savior and keep hope in what ever comes our way in the coming year. Like I always say, "God is good even when things are not so good." So bring on the cheer, bring on the stress I am armed and ready and it is all because of a tiny little baby!

God Bless!


Thursday, November 22, 2012


I am thankful. I am thankful everyday but I am sure in a much different way than most.  Last night at our church service our Pastor preached on being thankful. His message hit home for me because it started out with all the obvious things we are thankful for but what about the little things? You know like electricity if your power goes out and you wish you had it, along those lines. I find it curious how on the occasions that I am able to go to church the Pastor preaches on some of the things I think about and last night was no different. Well, for me, everyday, I thank the Lord for drugs that help me make it through a day. I am thankful that God gave me a husband who understands what I go through when I very well could have ended up with some jerkface who might not understand. I am thankful I am able to not work and my husband has a job that allows me to stay home in order to take care of myself. Of course, I would love to be able to work but for now my health does not allow it. I am thankful for the obvious, family, shelter, living in the US of A, all the stuff we are all thankful for but for me it all means just a little bit more as my life is very small these days.

Today I am thankful. Thankful that we are having our Thanksgiving with our family tomorrow because I woke up at 4 am with a slight migraine. I warded it off but i am still feeling wiped out. I am thankful we are not having a house full so I can rest a little bit today. I am thankful Rich will be here today to help me prepare food for tomorrow. I am thankful we will have the day together, alone! We have alone time during the week but it is different because Rich usually comes home tired and has used all his words for the day by the time he gets home. I am thankful for scrabble, the board game, because I am going to kick his butt in a game of it today. I figure if I am able to beat a Michigan Grad then I for sure can beat a business man with ease, at least I hope I can. I am always thankful when I beat Rich at a game because he is so competitive. Wii bowling, I am the champ, beating him brings me great joy. I am thankful Richie and Leah will be home this evening to share some of their time with us. I am thankful for coffee. I am thankful for chocolate. I am thankful for children. I am thankful for my pets. I am thankful for makeup and hair products. I am thankful for stretchy pants. The list could go on and on but you get the idea.

In life it is not about the grandeur. It is about the small things combined to make the big things. If we look at life it isn't about the large stuff it is that combination of all the little stuff. The things we want compared to the things we need. The kindness of a friend or a stranger in the smallest of acts that can make our whole day happier. It isn't about buying someone a large gift or gifts, but about giving someone a piece of your heart to make them feel loved and cared about. I always say if we do not care about one another what is the reason we are here? If we are too busy to care then we are too busy. We cannot care about everyone that crosses our path but we can about some and hope that the ones we are unable to show love to are being showed love by someone else. It is the circle of love thing. I hope that we can all keep the spirit of thanksgiving in mind until thanksgiving day next year and remember the small things in life and not the big. Let's be thankful!

God Bless!


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Am Blessed

Before I start I want to make clear, I know I shouldn't be writing this, that being said I am writing it anyways. Lol. Last time I did this it bit me in the tooshie. In some odd way writing this stuff down helps me to process all that is going on even on the good days, if that makes any sense.

Yesterday Rich said he was happy that I was I seemed to be doing more and that I must be feeling better. I answered him with a, "yes I am." Little does he know I started taking the Tramadol on a regular basis once again and for some reason that is like a miracle drug for me. I have no idea how it works but it definitely takes the egde off of the pain and gives me more energy. I wonder if it really gives me more energy or if I have more energy because I have less pain? Pain is exhausting to say the least. If you have ever had chronic pain you understand this. I am hopeful this will make it a good holiday week and weekend since our family will all be together. I am excited to spend some time with Richie and Leah once again but being sick can wreak that real fast! Having them here is the best medicine ever for me. I love having all of the family together in the same room. I am blessed!

I also have started to take the same pain med at bedtime which helps me to get a better nights sleep. I am in a good cycle for now in regards to my neck pain and I am trying to be aware and not do anything that will aggravate it. Even the smallest of physical labor can send me into a tail spin of pain and migraines for days. I also began taking 500mg Magnesium which is suppose to help with migraines so we will see if that works or at least cuts the migraine frequency down a bit. I am hopeful and blessed!

Tomorrow I see the foot doctor once again. If I can get this foot pain under control I will be all set. The pain has become excruciating once again to a point of where I can hardly stand it. It is the kind of pain that you want to pull your hair out of your head. Stabbing, gnawing pain that at times is unbearable even on the pain meds. I am nervous about going back to the doc once again and having to hear, "Just give it time." Ya, I bet if the person treating me had pain like this they would never be able to handle it for one day. That is the one thing I have the hardest time understanding about the medical community. When it is just another patient or just another case their answer is always to "give it time." I always wonder to myself, if I was your mother would you say the same thing to to her? If I was your wife or husband would you say the same to them? If I was your child would you say the same to one of them? Just "give it time?" I think it funny because many times when you go to the doc you aren't in as much pain or you "look good" so how can you possibly be in pain? I wish I could let a doctor jump in my body for a week and feel what it is really like, then lets have a consultation about how your week went doc! I sure cannot say this about my regular docs that I see because they are all wonderful and understand what is going on with me but when I, or someone I love, has to see a doc for a specific problem it seems the "wait and see is always the answer. Annoying! I am to the point of not going to the doctor anymore unless it is something that I have to go for, my foot included. Ugh, not looking forward to tomorrow but I have come to a decision. Next February is one year since foot pain D-day. February 10 to be exact. Funny how you can remember things like that. I am going to tell him I don't want to come back to him anymore until the one year mark and then we will go from there. It is a waste of my time and money to continue to go every month and hear the same thing. I feel pretty much over it and if I have to live like this then I guess I have to buck it up and deal with it. Period. I am still hopeful for a cure after all these months and even with the ongoing foot issues I am blessed!

It is Thanksgiving week. I have much to be thankful for. Being chronically ill is NOT one of them, but what I have learned is. Spending time with the people who love me and truly understand and support me tops the list of blessings. All else is petty crap. I will continue to keep a positive mind set even when I get frustrated with all I must face on a daily basis. I am blessed!

God Bless!


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Pain, Pain, Please Go Away And DON'T Come Back Another Day

Have you ever had pain so bad it makes you shake and tremble? Have you ever had pain so bad that you are up all night hurting so bad you wonder how you are ever going to make it to the morning light? Lately I have had a lot of trouble when it comes to laying down to sleep. My cervical spine is messed up once again. I thought after the surgery I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of pain ever again. I have since found out I am wrong. I have researched a little bit on the subject of having other discs go bad after a fusion but I haven't done to much digging into the subject because the little I have read has made me cringe. Even the thought of having to go through another fusion is excruciating for me. I have had a few surgeries mind you but the fusion ranks up there with the sinus surgery as being the worst pain ever. Truthfully I would rather give birth to all three of my children, drug free, than have to face another cervical spine surgery. Yes, it was that painful for me and the recovery was torture. I cannot say I ever got to a place of no pain but at least I was better than before the surgery. I got to a place where I didn't have to think about my neck with every move I made. Of recent I am back to that place of having to think before everything I do physically. It doesn't matter what I do, even the simplest of things, that can put me back into this hell of pain. The pain was so bad last night that I can hardly see straight. Yes, I have issues with blurry vision on a daily basis but over the past few months that is even getting worse. My memory has also gotten much worse, so much that Rich has even noticed. And I think I am so good at hiding things which I am for the most part but hiding that you are forgetting the simplest things is not possible. I had to come clean to him and tell him my memory is getting worse. When I did, he said he has noticed it for a while. You can see what a sweet man he is because he never once has told me I am losing my memory he waited for me to tell him. He tries to hard to make things easier for me as he knows how much I suffer on a daily basis. With this neck problem I am trying not to let him know how bad it is in fear that he will worry about me even more than he already does. The stress of the business is enough for him on most days so adding to that stress is not something I like to do.

When I think about symptoms I endure on a daily basis I wonder to myself which one is the worst one of all? When I am weak I think it is that one. When I am extremely fatigued I think it is that one. When I am in pain I think it is that one. When I have a migraine I think it is that one. When my foot is giving me issues I think it is that one. The list could go on. Today I deal with the pain. Pain I don't like. Pain that brings back other painful memories that I like to block out of my mind. I have pain meds I take when I hurt this much. I hate to take them but the reality is I must. I have a terrible problem of thinking to far into the future. When I am on the pain meds all I can see and worry about is if I will have to stay on them for a week, a month, or maybe even longer. I don't like the idea of having to take something else when I have been working on cutting other drugs out. I have to fight this dependance on drugs with all my might. I have to tell myself live in the day if you are in pain you need some help and that is okay. Today you have to take them so maybe tomorrow it will be better and you won't have to take anything except the Tylenol Arthritis. The mind game continues as my body fights against my sanity. Today and only today I am thankful for pain meds! I will continue to hope and pray that tonight will be better because right now that is all I have. Hope!

God Bless!


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Price You Pay

Here we go again. Just the other day I wrote how things were going well knowing all the while I was writing that entry it was going to bite me in the ass. I am almost always right when it comes to my chronic illness. I think most who are plagued with illness would agree. You know when something comes out of your mouth or you write something down, in some odd way, you should not be saying or writing it. It is a never fail price you pay when you are ill.

My price caught up with me yesterday and last night. My foot problem has become somewhat of a way of life for me. It is so odd to me that when you experience a certain kind of pain that after a long period of time it becomes a way of life for you. The pain in my foot has. I am so use to it after nine months I can hardly notice it is there, until yesterday. All day I was receiving stabbing pain being sent to my brain that literally would send out words of pain. Ahhhh seemed to be the word of choice and a few times the words of choice were much more harsh, I  will leave those to your imagination. Last night I decided to break down and ice it which helped to some degree. It is funny because I will endure the pain for as long as possible before icing as I almost feel like I have it prove a point, to myself or to the illness. The strange way my brain works after all these years of pain. In my head if I ice that means the pain and disease win. If I don't ice and endure the pain, screaming and hollering at it, and hoping it goes away without some sort of treatment, I win. I am telling you it is a brutal game that I hate to play. The pain won yesterday. I couldn't take it any longer so out came the ice. The best part is I made it through the day. There are days that is the goal, to make it through the day.

I had another painful reality hit yesterday. The reality that I have to tell Hospice I cannot come back to volunteer. I have been putting this off for a few years, filling out the papers every year in the hopes I can go back and cut hair for the patients. I looked at the papers yesterday that I have been hiding behind the calendar for a few weeks trying to avoiding the reality and pain it causes me. The realization that I cannot do it hits me hard. I filled out the paper and told them to take me off the volunteer list and that I was unable to return. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to "let go" because of chronic illness. I feel it isn't fair to continue to lead them on that I will come back knowing all along in my head it more than likely isn't going to be possible. I cannot have others depending on me for a hair appointment only to be disappointed because I must cancel due to this illness. It would be fine if it were other circumstances but these people may be gone in a month, a week, or a day. A haircut to them means more to them than most of us. I have even had the honor of cutting a few heads of hair on people who were hours from death. It was humbling to hear the family so grateful because they wanted their loved one to be buried looking like they did when they were fully living. You can see why I will miss this and why it is sheer torture for me to have to resign from this volunteer position. I know I can't do it for now but I hope someday I will be healthy and strong enough to go back. I have to keep the hope!

Last night, bedtime. For me sleep is important but my neck has been giving me horrible issues when I sleep. I forget about it during the day because being upright helps take the pressure off the discs. This is where my problem was before when I had the first surgery to fuse the two discs that were rotted away. My biggest fear is that more discs are doing the same thing as this pain is getting continually worse. Last night was no exception. It was probably one of my worst of late. I tossed and turned all night trying to get the pain to go away. When you are in pain you will sleep in many contorted positions in order to find that place where the relief comes. Last night was one of those nights I was unable to find that right position. I woke up feeling like I didn't sleep a wink. The worst part for me is I am not a napper like many chronically ill people. I am good at resting but taking a nap is just not my thing. Today I will deal with the pain and hope tonight is better. Pain like this is exhausting so I hope for good sleep tonight. It has to be better and I must keep my focus on better sleep and less pain. If I don't I will drive myself crazy. Chronic illness does have a way of doing that you know. It can make you think you are bonkers if you let it, you mustn't! You must always stay one step ahead of the game. Foot pain? Better today! Hospice? Something else will come along. Neck pain? Tonight will be better. It is all a matter of mind over matter! I will look forward to Friday when my little love Hunter is going to sleep over. I can see him already jumping on the bed in between Papa and I. Laughing and telling me how much he loves us. I can hear him in the morning whispering in my ear, "Nana it is time to get up! Nana it's time to get up!" Me saying, "Nooooo go back to sleep," and him laughing at me. I will focus on all the good that will go on between now and then and I will tell myself, "Yes, things will get better." How do I know? Because they always do!

God Bless!

(I forgot about the dizzy spells I have been plagued with the past few weeks but I will save that for another entry.)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Things That Make You Go Humm, Humm, Humm

I am happy to report I haven't written in my blog the past few days because I have been feeling pretty good. I always hate to say that, let alone write it. You know how it is as soon as it is on paper or comes out of your mouth it already starts to bite you in the butt. You can almost feel it starting to make up a plan on you as you write it. Humm.

When I tell people I am feeling well it is like they think I have had the miracle cure hit and now I am back to my old self and able to do it all. It is so hard to make the real world understand. There are times I hate to tell certain people I am feeling well because the first thing I get is, lets go here, lets go there, you need to come over. "Umm do you realize the energy it takes me to, just stop over?" "Oh and did you forget where I live? "I have to put the brakes on that real fast at times with certain people. I want to shout "WAIT  a minute. I said I feel better but you must understand that if I do all the things you want me to do with you I can guarantee a flare and a backlash that you don't understand and I am pretty sure you won't be there to take care of me when I have that flare. It isn't a kind of better that means I can do whatever I want, do you understand?" Humm
(Yes, there are times I get very angry because these are the people who should understand.)

Funny how when you are chronically ill the world, no matter how much you tell them what is going on with you, only wants you back to the person you use to be. How in the world do you explain that more than likely it is not going to happen? Believe me, I want it too. I really do, but it seems the odds are stacked up against me. The people who want you to go away for a weekend but have no understanding when you tell them, "if I go with you for the weekend I will be sick for a week after." I might get a horrid migraine that will take two to three days out of my life. I am not willing to use that time with you because it takes away from Rich, our children, and our grandchildren. I usually get a deer in the headlights look and a comment that goes something like this, "Well, all you have to do is come and you can just sit and rest the whole time."Nope, they didn't hear a word I just said." I have almost given up on trying to explain any of it anymore. In the words of Rich, "People will never understand hon but I do." Yes, he does because he lives with the truth of it all. the truth that no one else knows or cares to know about. Humm

On the flip side I try as hard as I can to be on the healthy side of things. I wonder to myself if I were one of my friends and they were the sick person how would I handle it? I would like to think I would be compassionate and understanding. I would like to think I would not push them in any way, shape, or form. It is easy for me to say I wouldn't do any of those things but would I? I hope I would be able to understand and not make my friend feel pressured into doing anything they did not want to do. I hope I would understand that I have no idea what they are living with. I hope I would only do good for them and try to feed their soul with my love and understanding instead of putting unneeded pressure on them.  I hope I could feel or at least try to feel what they are going through. I think I would ask them questions, a lot of questions, and wait to listen to the answers before I came to my own conclusions as to what it feels like to live with chronic illness. The ups and downs that no one knows about, I would want to know. I hope that I would know that just because the friend looks good it doesn't mean they are. I hope I would realize and believe there really is a raging fire going on inside their body instead of looking at them like I don't.. I wonder if I would be able to be this friend to someone who was suffering from chronic illness. Humm

There are many things I wonder about myself and about other people. It is just human nature to do so whether you are ill or not. As human beings we have some weird way of doing that, you know? It is really quite ridiculous if you ask me. I wonder why we can't take people for who they are and for where they are instead of questioning them so. We all have our stuff to deal with in one way or anther. We must learn to understand one another and love one another without strings attached. I have come to the conclusion that people take things way to personally. For example, I can't go away for a weekend with you, that has nothing to do with you, so don't take it as it does. In my heart I would love to go hang out with you all weekend it is just that the payoff is not worth it for me. I would love to go to a party and have a few drinks and get crazy but for me the pay off isn't worth it, it isn't about you. It is my hope that in reading this, if you have a friend or family member who is chronically ill you will remember what I wrote the next time you feel the need to pressure them into doing something. Don't make them feel guilty. Love them and understand. Don't leave them feeling bad or guilty because you decide to take it personal that they can't do something. Don't allow them to leave with that one strange word in their heart and mind, Humm.

God Bless!


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Bye Bye Drugs

I have an new plan as far as all the medications I am currently taking. I have made the decision to cut out a few of the medications that I have the okay to do from my Rheumatologist. I figure if I cut them out and I begin to get more symptoms I can always go back on them if need be. I almost feel some sort of liberation and control since I made this decision. My mind set is to not think about what I am doing and just do it. Every time I think about my symptoms returning I block them out and try not to ask myself, "Am I getting this symptom back or am I getting that symptom back?" I have to think in different terms. The one day at a time will come into play here and be very valuable to my mind and my soul.When I feel a symptom I am going to try to block it out if at all possible.

The recent drug I cut out of my regimen is Plaquenil. It has a side effect of blurry vision so when I cut the evening dose out a few weeks ago I didn't think anything of it because I was still on the morning dose. I stopped the evening dose and would stop the morning dose next. I figured if my blurry vision was going to get better from stopping this drug that could only be a plus. The crazy part? My vision has become much more blurry since I stopped the morning dose. It is going to be very interesting waiting to see what happens from stopping the evening dose as well. I am hopeful that over time my body will adjust to not having this drug running through my veins and I am hopeful my vision will get better as time goes by. I am very hopeful and optimistic. I am keeping the vision of less drugs as my goal to the finish line of this race. My vision may be worse but I have to believe getting off some of this poison will help me feel better. I am feeling more morning stiffness over this past week but I am hoping it is just the weather and it will even itself out once the weather is at an even keel, if that is possible in Michigan.

The next drug on my list to delete is the Prednisone. This drug is brutal to try to wean off from but I have done it before and I am hopeful it will go better than expected, if not then I will have to increase the dose and just deal with it. Prednisone is the drug the chronically ill person hates to love. You love it for its miraculous ability to help symptoms disappears quickly and you hate it for the other side effects that come along for the ride. Prednisone is the one drug I take as soon as I get up in the morning that helps me within an hour or so. I hate to say I do love this drug at a low dose but I also know what it does to my body. It is not the best drug to take as it causes many issues but as with any drug you have to outweigh the risks when you are ill. Do you want to feel better or do you want to live in pain? The question is easy to answer many times. I am hopeful on cutting back on this drug. Hopeful that even if I can't get off it I can at least cut out a few milligrams. I am ready to take more control over my illness instead of always depending on the drugs to do it for me. Over the past six years the drugs have helped me immensely. I am grateful to have had them when I was very ill. I am thankful they are there on my really bad days but I feel I am ready to at least try to take more control of this illness without the drugs. I have started yoga which I know is good for me, body and soul. I try to eat well but I am a work in progress there too. It is a never ending battle that I intend to win even if it takes me a few years to get it right. I will not stop until I cross that finish line and become the winner!

God Bless!


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Today WE Vote

You cannot be everything to everyone but you can be someone to one. I think of this a lot in my small world especially when disaster hits and I want to jump in the car or on a plane and go help people. I know it isn't possible for me to do but it saturates my heart none the less. I hear of so many places you can send money and my heart and soul wish I were able to send something to all the causes but it just isn't possible. Money is a struggle for us as well but we do what we can do. This isn't about that it is about the burden I carry when I am unable to help. The wanting to and not being able to. How hearing story after story of people suffering and not being able to do much. I wonder to myself what if it were my family or someone I know suffering like that. I hear of FEMA and how they are suppose to help people but then I hear how they are no where to be found. I wonder why our country is not ready in an instant to respond to a disaster. Why is someone not organizing this before a disaster starts? Why are people starving, thirsty, and cold? These are the issues with government that plaque me not only now but in years past. This is not a political blog entry it is just one American to another asking what has happened to us and why can't we take care of our people the instant a disaster hits. I still think it I should have ran for some office to get some of this stuff figured out, sigh. It pains me to hear of the bickering and hate that goes on between parties and beliefs. We live in a America for gosh sakes the greatest country in the world and we act like selfish brats. It annoys the hell out of me when I know people are suffering.

In writing all of that I wanted to make a correlation as to how this would pertain to chronic illness. When you are a highly sensitive person and you worry about others every time you hear of a need it affects your health. It doesn't matter if you are healthy or chronically ill, this is a fact. The problem is when you are a highly sensitive person who has to dissect everything to the core it affects you in physical ways. It gets exhausting when you worry about others and feel so helpless. I have a hard time understanding how people can be selfish. I have an even harder times listening to anything negative. This is why our country is so screwed up, we can't work together and accept one another for our beliefs we have to lash out at one another and get mad that someone doesn't believe as we do. I have read some awful things on facebook in the past months. I have read awful things and watched and heard awful things on the television the past few months. I am both angry and saddened at the same time, but I have to learn to let it go, something that isn't easy for a highly emotional person. The stress of this election year has torn me apart physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't like it at all. I can't wait for it to be over. Over in the hopes that life can move on in a good direction and I can start to get back to some sort of normalcy that isn't so hard on my chronic illness.

Today I vote. Today you vote. Today we vote. It is up to us/you. I don't care how you vote I just hope it is a vote from your heart. A vote that comes from what you believe, and not a vote of hate. Voting is a privilege that we all should be honored to do. I have been thinking about this and my thought is: If you are happy with the hope and change we have had, then vote. If you are not happy about the hope and change we have had, then vote. If you don't care either way, then vote. Pretty simple. I won't hate you if you vote different than I and I hope you won't hate me for voting what I vote. We are all entitled to our own beliefs and we all need to learn to accept one another for what we believe instead of tearing one another apart. I hear from both parties we need to work together but I can tell you right now if we continue the way we have for the past few months I don't see that happening. I hope and pray we can, that's all.

God Bless!


Monday, November 5, 2012

Doctor Dread

Ahhh Monday. The day everyone starts their new week more than likely at work, maybe chasing children, or catching up from the weekend. This is one of my dreaded Monday's. My six month Neurologist appointment. Needless to say while others stress about work and living life I stress about yet another doctors appointment. I am almost sure if you back track in my blog there are many more entries just like this one. They could be about my Neurologist, Rheumatologist, or even maybe about my yearly physical. You see, when you are ill an ordinary doctors appointment  is not so ordinary.

 My fears consume me on the day I have these appointments. I have been doing this for so long now that I have learned not to allow these appointments to ruin my whole week prior to the appointment. Every time the thought of an appointment enters my mind I block it out quickly with a good thought such as my family or I try to get busy with one of my hobbies. Needless to say on the day of the appointment that is impossible as I am writing notes for the doctor and trying to remember all I want to talk with him/her about. I try to take notes in between the six month appointments of any changes which are either significant or insignificant. It seems the things I feel are trivial may be a huge piece of the puzzle. I learned this from my Rheumatologist, the hard way at times. I didn't tell her something only to find out six months later I should have told her about it the last time I was there. Yes, I am a work in progress when it comes to these appointments but after six years I feel as though I am finally getting a grip on how to do them right. Maybe?

My fears are not only the appointment anxiety I feel but the wonder if my doctor will find something new. This time my eyes have been giving me more issues. I have had an increase in migraines so I fret is there a reason why? Small changes to some but monumental to me. I stress that I will leave the same way I did the last time, no changes and all is good. Okay, so what does that mean? I still am not normal. Will I ever be? Why would the same ole same ole stress me out? It is like you go wanting to find something new so you can have the hope that it can be cured, or just the answer as to why? Why are my migraines increasing? There has to be a reason. I am sure that makes no sense. Who in the world would want to find something? You can only understand this if you suffer on a daily basis and sometimes get no answers as to why you suffer.

I have written it before and I will write it again, The real world will never understand the ill world, but I can also turn that around and write that the ill world will never understand the real world, anymore at least. I hate that I have to write that. I can remember being in the real world but it is a distant memory. A memory like you have when you go on the trip of your life. You are able to remember little parts of it but it is impossible to remember it all. It is over. You enjoyed your time there but reality and life are what you live in now. It is no different with chronic illness. You get back from the trip and the real world begins, work, schedules, etc. With chronic illness it is no different except that the schedule is different. You have no control because you do not know what is going to happen from day to day. You might be on top of the world one day and do as much as you can and the next day is the complete opposite. You are unable to do anything. Can you see the contrast between the two? Chronic illness is not only a physical game but an emotional, psychological game. You have to be strong. Stronger than you have ever been in your life to be able to handle all that is thrown at you. You dream of being able to have your normal life back but know in the back of your mind you probably won't.

I am not complaining at all. Really! It is what it is. I am stronger. much stronger than I ever thought possible. When I think back on when I first became very ill I didn't want to be alone. I needed to have Rich by my side and there for any little problem, it wasn't easy. I felt like a helpless child who was dependent on someone for all my needs. I have sense come to grips with illness and I am much better and not so needy. In fact I think my independence is much stronger because I almost feel like I have to prove I can do it now. I don't need nor do I want to be coddled. It is liberating to write that. I don't have it all figured out yet but I am getting there. Writing that it makes me realize I am stronger than I think I am for today. It is just a doctors appointment not world war three. I can do this! I know when it is over I will feel relieved and refreshed no matter what happens. I always do. So, once again my blog saves me. Once again writing down all the struggles I am facing at the moment I am writing them gives me hope, peace, and just a little more acceptance. Knowing it is all going to be alright in the end.

God Bless!


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sleep Craze

It has been a brutal past few months. I have weaned myself off Xanax successfully but I must admit I do miss it terribly. It has been quite a few weeks since I have been off it but the effects of withdrawal are brutal, or are they?  I am actually trying to figure out if it really is still withdrawal or the new meds my doc presceribed for sleep that are killing me. Whatever it is, it is brutal to say the least. Since I stopped the Xanax my sleep has been messed up big time. I sleep but I wake up all night long tossing and turning. I wake up in the morning feeling so wore out I can hardly function let alone think straight. Rich talks to me and I feel like I can't hear him or process what he is saying. The new drugs I have been taking are low dose antidepressants. I think I may have written it before but and I truly believe if you are not depressed and do not need the extra chemicals these pills put in your system they can wreck havoc throughout your body. I am proof of that lately.

The first drug I tried was Trazadone. It is used very commonly in a low dose 25mg for sleep. You take it just before bed and you are suppose to sleep better. Well, let me tell you I slept terribly the first time I took it. I tossed and turned all night. I kept waking up choking which is something I do without drugs but it had hightented in intensity that night. I had chest pain/heaviness and my heart was racing so bad I felt as if it beating out of my chest, enough to keep me awake a lot. I tried this drug a few more nights and knew that the zombie trance I was in all day and the nightly side effects were not worth it so I stopped. I made an appointment with my doc on Friday and she switched me to another brand of antidepressants, Elevil. I tried it last night and boy and I sorry I did as my chest was tight all night and still I woke up many times. I had many of the breathing or should I say non-breathing episodes wake me up on this drug too. It was awful. Oh don't worry it doesn't end there. I also woke up at 6 am with a migraine, not as bad as the usual ones but a migraine to say the least. I have been agitated, anxious, shaky, and ill all day. It is  making me crazy. I have to believe these drugs are not for me and have made the decision to stop them and not try anymore.

I started to wonder if my shortness of breath, extreme weakness, and droopy eyelid being worse may all be because of MG and mixing it with these drugs. I did some research and read on a few sites that YES theses drugs can interact with MG. Needless to say I am happy I am seeing my Neurologist on Monday. I cannot go on like this. I am still so confused, I feel sad, and this is not me at all.  I will say it again, you cannot give antidepressants to a person who is not depressed, let alone one who is plagued with autoimmune diseases that already control every function of a persons body. As I have said many times before I do not control my body, my body controls me and it controls my life. It gets annoying especially when my kids want to come over on days like these and I have to tell them no. This starts a vicious circle of guilt for me but worse off is the fact that now my children have to worry about me more. I try to hide as much as I can from them but when there are days like this it is to hard to do. Plus it takes a lot of energy to hide it and pretend. On days like this I do not have that kind of energy to spare so I have to be truthful. This hurts more than the disease.

The rest of the day I will work on getting this evil drug out of my system. I will continue to drink lots of water. I will take a nice hot bath and hope it draws those toxins out of my pores. I will stay focused on the good. I will continue to keep the hope that I will get a good nights sleep one of these nights so I am not dragging so much. Most of all, I will never give up. I have to believe it is all going to be okay in the end. For now I look forward to hearing what my Neurologist has to say about all of this and press with life as usual!

God Bless!


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Early Wake Up Call

This morning I woke at five am. If you know me at all or understand the struggles I have on a daily basis you know that sleep is extremely important in order for me to function properly. I concur this must be true for most if not all chronically ill people.

There are other mornings, many, that I have woken up around four or five am and lay there and finally fall back to sleep until nine or ten am. Why was today different than those days? I performed the usual routine, bathroom, excedrin migraine for the slight headache that woke me, then lay back down and try to fall back asleep. The slumber decided to stay away. I felt some weird voice telling me to just get up, so I listened. Upon reaching the kitchen to make my coffee I had some weird sense of anxiety. Ever since I have stopped taking the xanax for sleep I have not been sleeping well at all so I wake up almost feeling like some alien from another planet. I feel like I can't concentrate and I am in a strange sort of fog. I feel sadder than usual. I am just not my normal jolly self. I tried to take the other med that the doc gave me in place of the xanax but it has done nothing but make me feel like a zombie during the day and I really didn't sleep well at all on it so I stopped that one too. Plus the dizzy spells are not worth the trouble. I can't figure out if I am still feeling the withdraw from the xanax or if I am having awful side effects from this new med that is probably still running through my veins.This sleep issue is still a struggle for me as I still do not understand why a doctor would rip a drug from me that was working well and switch me to another that would cause havoc on my body. I believe chronically ill people must be looked at in a whole different way than the normal world. I am anxious for my next appointment to discuss this with her face to face.

I sat down with my cup of coffee and read a few papers I had laying around. I turned on the tv and after a bit I decided to turn the channel and run from all the news that can bring me down so fast. I try to separate myself from the negativity of the news because it radiates deep in my soul, it is easier to stay away from all of it. I checked the guide and saw Joyce Meyer was on so I caught the tail end of her show. It ended so I checked the guide again only to find her show was going to start on another channel so the voice told me to listen. Listen I did. She started out talking about people, troubles, depending on God, the usual, but then she shifted. She shifted over to grace. She was talking about grace in the usual sense but then she turned to to people who may be ill and waiting on God to be healed. She said you people are the ones who have and need even more grace. Instead of worrying about being cured keep your focus on God's grace, the extra grace that is there for you. Maybe you are not being cured but it will happen, you just have to continue to believe and lean on God and his extra grace. If you know me at all you know I already know this, but it seems with all that is going on right now I needed to hear this more than usual. Look to God and not the world. Don't compare what others are doing or ask them for their opinion just lean on God. This is one area that can be hard for me as I watch other people have lives and jobs while I feel trapped, trapped in an illness I want to break out of so much. Grace! Remember Grace!

I must say I did have some sort of problem with this. I have more grace because I am ill or do I just need to believe I have more? To me that is like telling someone God loves me more than he loves you, I don't believe this is possible. All I know is what I have known all along: God's GRACE is sufficient enough. If I didn't believe this already I wouldn't have been able to make it this far and still be as sane as I am. This is what gets me through each and everyday. Whether you believe it or not is between you and God, as for me this is it. While I sit here writing this I wonder. Wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if Joyce is right and then I wonder if it really matters what she has to say. I believe it is between me and God, for me that is enough and I am thankful for his grace no matter what and now I know why I had a early wake up call today.

God Bless!


Monday, October 29, 2012

It Is Okay To Live For Yourself

I saw this on facebook today and I believe it is true, at least I use to anyway. I truly believe the first three lines, but as it gets half way through the forth line I start to have an issue. It isn't always true that you get what you give, for me anyways. In fact, sometimes you can give and give and give and still get kicked in the teeth. It is funny this would come up today in my news feed as I have been struggling with this for quite a few years and even more over the past few weeks but especially this weekend. Things have happened over a certain span of time for me that make me wonder about a lot of things. I read about karma, what goes around comes around. I see other things that say bad, mean, rude, selfish people will get it back when karma bites them in the ass. Really? It's funny to me because some of the things I have witnessed and thought would never happened to me have happened and I haven't seen karma do anything about it. I think we use the karma thing to make ourselves feel better so we #1 don't explode or #2 don't open a can of whoop ass on people, once again for me anyways. Well, that and a husband who won't let you open that can.

I also believe you really can do good and give, give, give, but never really get anything in return. I am not talking in a sense of getting anything in a material sense but just a thank you. I know this is not coming across in the way I want it to at all. I have stories I wish I could tell here to give examples but once again I can't. I have come to realize the selfish ways of the world seem to be taking over and that is just the way it is. Over the past few years, but especially the past year, I have decided to cut lose some of that negative stuff and people from my life. It hasn't really helped me to understand why people can be so rude and treat me so wrong but it has helped me to not have to deal with some, not all, of their inconsiderate actions and or words. How some people can treat another human being so awful is something I will never understand. The hardest part is when you are tied to certain people and you can't just take an eraser and erase them, their drama and their bad energy . Relationships are hard but they get even harder when they are a one way street. There are the times you must take the higher ground and realize whatever you do it will never be enough. There are the people out there who are so unhappy with themselves that they enjoy making everyone else miserable with them, at least that is another conclusion I have come to.

Whatever the answer is I am not 100% sure, but I do believe there are times you don't have to always try to make everyone's life happy or seem okay, that is their job. When they begin to drag you down time and time again I believe it is okay to move on. It seems life is like that. You go through cycles. Think about your life over time gone by. You begin to see patterns or friendships that came in cycles and when they ran their course or your purpose in that relationship was done you moved on. It isn't a bad thing it is just the way life works. The more I think about it the karma is for us. For us to deal with all the bad that goes on out there.Yes, we still need to love and care, but when the line is crossed and you are the one doing all the caring and giving in any relationship it is time to let it go. It is time to pack it up and move on taking your karma lesson with you. I have finally come to this point in my life. I have struggled for years trying to do and make certain people happy. I have sacrificed a piece of myself in the process and a piece of my sanity. These sacrifices have not helped my illness at all. Making changes in your life when you are ill, even deleting people from your life, are all okay changes. I don't know why we think we need permission to do it. I sometimes think it is a spiritual thing for me. I am a christian so I think I can't do things like this because it goes against everything I believe, or someone will use my faith against me or call me a hypocrite. I now know that being a Christian doesn't mean I am perfect it just means I need Jesus, even more in certain situations. After all I am human and a sinner. I try. I really do, but this world makes it awful difficult to always do what is right. You must learn to do what is right for your own state of mind and your own physical health. I can't believe God would punish me for that.

Today is a new day. I am learning slowly but surely how to let go and move on from the draining selfish people in my life, are you?

God Bless!