Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Random Garble

My brain is active today, wow! I think it is because I have painted three pictures in the past two days and my brain was so focused on those that I never had time to let my brain run loose like it usually does. Believe me it is having a field trip today and swaying all over the board.

First and foremost I finally, after two weeks, called my Rheumatologist about taking the ibuprofen for this pain and she said it was fine to take the 800mg 3x a day for pain AND, the best part, I can stay on my Methotrexate shots for the arthritis. I just injected myself and hope to have some relief from this swelling by tomorrow! YAY this makes me very happy! I don't know why I didn't just call her last week when my doc told me to. I am so bullheaded when it comes to calling the doctor, any of my doctors, and usually my bullheadedness turns out to make me suffer more than if I would have just given in and called in the first place. If you are ill you understand this and if your not you probably don't get it but in my head it makes perfect sense. In some odd way.

I had to go to the dentist today and I took my Large Marge purse, this thing is mammoth, I could literally fit a small child in it or possible Eva if I had to. I woke up today with a lot of back pain so I shoved a pillow in the Large Marge bag just in case I needed it to prop my butt up where I am having all this pain, we all know how comfy those dental chairs are as you are almost standing on your head. Fortunately the pain meds kicked in before I arrived, just enough relief so I could lay there. I did good getting in and out of the chair too and no one knew there was a pillow hiding inside the Large Marge bag. Shewww! I was waiting for someone to ask me why my purse was so BIG, they didn't. Good! I hate either telling a little white lie or having to tell the story as to why it was so big. I don't think most people really care when you are suffering and most people will never understand it so it is so much easier to keep it all to yourself. Well, with the exception of your blog that screams it out to the whole world. Lol

On the way home I even felt well enough to go to Walgreens to get some photos printed and pick up some Dove milk chocolate eggs. Yum! I have to treat myself once in a while. Although the Cadbury mini's may have been enough this week? Oh well, gonna die one way or another so I may as well die with my happy chocolate face on. After Walgreens I turned on the radio and the song I hope you dance had just started. I always told my kids, the girls at least, this was my song for them. I believe this is the song every mother would sing to their children or at least play it for them because it says so much about what we want for them. The hurts that help them grow. The love we have for them to let them get hurt so they can learn a lesson. All that stuff mother's hold deep within their hearts for each child. One of these days I am going to write a blog about each of my precious children to share what they have given me and how much they have helped me become the person that I am today. I am sure it will be very heart wrenching for me to write because my love for them runs so deep. Who's your favorite? I love it when my kids ask me that or like last week Richie sent me a text after we were texting back and forth for a while and he asked, "So I am your favorite?" I wrote back, "I have 3 favorites." You see, I don't have a iphone but I know he sent that text to the girls so they would see my answer because when someone sends a group text my phone has a funny ring. He thinks I didn't know he did the question as a group thing. Hahahaha that makes me laugh but then he ALWAYS makes me laugh as we both have an odd sense of humor and we are able to feed off one another. Stop I need to save this for the Richie blog post.

Just before I pulled into the driveways a mile or so away from home I began thinking about people and how we all know what is right for everyone else but so many times have no idea what is right for us. How come it is so easy to judge or think of the way someone else lives but we never look at the way we live? This gets deep for me and sometimes when I get hurt by someone I have a hard time understanding this. I can get really sad and heartbroken when I think of some things that people do to the ones they love? I have come to believe that I have to understand that sometimes there are no answers to some things, they just happen. People are human, they hurt one another, and many times I don't think people realize the damage they do to someone else. I just wish people could think of others more. I hate that I have this kind of heart. I always think of how someone will feel in any given situation. I can't help it, it is the way I am wired. I yell at Rich all the time for saying things he shouldn't. Poor guy. I wish my sensitivity had an on and off switch so I could be like everyone else and not have to always wonder how everyone else feels about every little thing. I mean really so many of the things I worry about are so trivial. Not sure how a person can change this when it is who you are.

Now the best for last. Can you guess what it is about? You guessed it grand kids. Sorry but hey this is what keeps me going daily, no kidding. I dream of them all the time and remember little snippets of times spent with them. I am going to write something about each of them that touched my heart this week. When things like this happens it is like my chest opens up and I can feel my heart roll on the floor. My love for them runs so deep I just want to hide them away so they never have to get hurt. We all know that can't happen but a Nana can dream.
This year I made Addi her birthday cake for her 3rd birthday. We had plans to make it together but the plans were railroaded by the arrival of our sweet May Rose so I made the cake at my house and brought it to Addi's party the day Mama and Mya came home from the hospital. Katie still wanted Addi to have her special day so she had the party anyways. I'm so glad she did because Addi felt so special. If you knew Addi you would see why she is the sweetest little girl ever and I am not just saying that because she is my grand daughter, she really is. Anyways, I went to the party a little early to get the cake there and when I walked in Addi said, "Nana is that my cake?" I said, "Yes, you want to see it?" Of course she said, "Yes" in a very excited voice. I showed it to her and she started jumping around and said with a huge smile, "I love it! That is my cake, I love it, I love it.!" It was one of the greatest moments ever. I wish I had a video of her when she saw it even Aunt Steph was there and said, "That is the sweetest thing ever." I think both of our hearts were rolling on the floor next to each one each others.
The Hunter story is just as sweet. Earlier that same day when Dave went to pick up Katie and Mya at the hospital Rich and I went to stay with Hunter and Addi and set up some stuff for the party. After a bit hunter said to Rich that he wanted to wrap one of his toys for Addi to give to her so they went into the bedroom for a while and found a game that his other Nana gave him the night before. So funny! He got it wrapped and asked me to go back in his room so he could give her more presents. He found a stuffed kitten that was actually Addi's and he decided to wrap that in coloring book pages that he had colored in the past. Then he found another stuffed bear and wrapped that in the color pages too. After he was done he took the card he had made earlier and said I need to put some money in here so I gave him a dollar to tape in the card, then he taped all the stuff together with masking tape. Let me tell you this gift was filled with so much love I could feel it radiating off the packages. Then he had to find a hiding place in his room so Addi couldn't find it. He put it under his blankets and we went in the kitchen and he said to me, "Nana come here" so we went back in the bedroom because "under the blankets was not a good spot and she will find it there. He decided under the bed. Rich and I left to go home and came back for the party. The first gift Addi had to open was the one from Hunter. She opened the game from the other Nana we all laughed. Then she opened the kitty and she said, "Awe a kitty." I don't know if she even realized it was already hers. Then she opened the bear and the card with the money was last. She says, "Moneyyyyy Oooo" and Hunter yells, "I got it from Nana, the money was Nana's." It was one of the sweetest gift openings I have ever witnessed in my entire life. You could feel the love between brother and sister radiating the room. I live for moments like that!

I guess that is enough random garble for today. It is my hope in reading this you too have little moments of random garble. Ones that will stay in your heart forever and I hope you are able to find all those moments in each and everyday because they are there. It is just a matter of taking the time to see them and feel them and realizing how special life is in all those little moments of random garble.

God Bless!


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

True Colors

Well, it happened again I was out in the world only to be disappointed. I am shocked at what goes on out there and have such a hard time comprehending so much of it. For starters driving and we all know how that is. It seems everyone is on the road for themselves these days. I had a guy squeal his tires while passing me at a four way stop the other day right in the middle of the four way stop. Seriously?  I did absolutely nothing wrong except go the speed limit. I was furious to say the least. The best or worst part here? Me wishing he would hit a icy patch and slide off the road so I could stop and tell him what a jerk face he was. I was that mad. Of course after I gave him a piece of my mind I would have helped him but not before he got an ear full. Ya, I know not very Christian like but I am human too and stupid people annoy me. I am so hyper sensitive to what goes on out there. I don't get out much so when I do I notice everything and I mean everything. I always wonder to myself are some of these people the ones in the front row at church being almighty yet leaving it all at the alter when they leave the building. To me if you are for God then you are for others and not yourself. It is so easy to spot the people who live it and don't just use it such as the gentleman last week who held the door open and waited for me to get from my car to a building. It was so refreshing to think someone would take that few minutes it took me to get there and patiently wait for me to waddle to the door. He had no idea I was ill and he had no idea how much energy it can take to open some of those doors. He had no idea how thankful I was and how it brings tears to my eyes just writing this. I couldn't thank him enough. It makes me rethink the can of whoop ass I wanted to open up on the rude driver at the four way stop and realize I have to be good, the other option accomplishes nothing. Yes, I know there are many other good people out there it just seems they are becoming few and far between. Enough on that subject I am sure you all  have many of your own stories to tell. Just makes me think true colors are shown to the world even when we think no one can see them, the good colors and the bad colors. Remember that everywhere you are!

Today I moved my ultrasound appointment up to one week earlier as I am still having pain issues from this stupid ovarian cyst. I hope this thing goes away because I cannot even comprehend thinking about having to have it taken out. It is not even on the table and I am not allowing it to come to the table. You know when you are ill all the time with one thing after another your brain has a tendency to shut off and not think any farther than beyond the current circumstances you are facing. The one day at a time, one minute at a time applies here and in every other medical problem you face. I can say the pain is better so I am very thankful for that. I am thankful I have hobbies and tv shows I like to watch as I am forced to lay low. Believe it or not I am not going bonkers yet and like I stated above I am better off here in these four walls making my own true colors that uplift me and keep me from falling over the edge.

I also saw the sleep doctor for a follow up on my sleep study today. I feel so much better that she agrees the Xanax at bedtime is a good option for me in order to make sure I get the sleep I need for my body to repair itself. I have to write it again,  I feel so much better I cannot even tell you! My Rheumatologist was right again. When I told her I was going to a sleep doc she sort of rolled her eyes and said she didn't think it was going to show anything. I agreed but went anyways. She has no problem with me taking the Xanax at bed because she knows I won't abuse it. I am just glad the sleep doc agrees too! It makes my life so much easier to be rested. When I was forced to decrease the Xanax a few months ago I felt like I was dying, literally. It was awful. I am glad that is over! I am going to go see a behavioral specialist who may be able to help me learn to fall asleep. I sleep well but I have a problem falling asleep. This specialist is suppose to help teach you how to shut down your brain for sleep. I am skeptical but I will give it a try. If it works great, if not, we will go from there.

When the sleep doc felt my ankles and checked me out she said I was swollen. I guess I hadn't even noticed since the cyst pain is consuming my energy. It hit me that I haven't given myself my weekly Metotrexate injection in two weeks because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with this cyst issue. Plus, I cannot take ibuprofen with the Methotrexate as they interact. The pain was so great the only thing that has worked for pain control is the ibuprofen so I withheld one drug to take the one I needed most. I feel like I am doing okay to try to do my shot tomorrow unless the pain hits me hard by then. We will see. Sleep is excruciating without the ibuprofen. It is all a game. It never ends, this game. I wish it would I would even be the loser if it would all end but it just goes on and on and I don't understand why. All I know is every day is a struggle but I must continue to look on the bright side. The true colors of illness are that you learn what is important, you find joy in the simplest of things, you are honored when someone cares about you, and on and on. Little things most people take for granted are monumental for the chronically ill. You realize how blessed you are as others wonder how you are able to live the way you do. The true colors of your life are no different than the true colors of everyone else's life, just are just a little easier for me to see them because I am not in the real world. You might say our true colors are much clearer and not so clouded as the normal world and for that I am thankful!

God Bless!


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What Can A Person Learn From An Ovarian Cyst? Apparently A LOT!

Last Thursday I woke up feeling pretty good. I did a lot of stuff around the house, the morning progressed as usual but then I started to get some back pain. I am fortunate not to have to many issues with back pain so this was new for me. Two days before when I was at yoga class I had problems holding poses because of lower back pain but as anyone with chronic illness knows you blow all pain off until you reach some sort of breaking point. My breaking point came a few hours later Thursday around one in the afternoon when I knew this wasn't just a backache from doing too much, it was much more. You know when something isn't right and this was a pain that was telling me to get some help.

I sent a text to Katie and asked her if she ever experienced patients with this sort of pain in the ER and she said not so much and to call my doc. I did and of course as usual for me, she was booked. I made the decision I needed to get help so I drove myself to the Urgent Care hoping this was either a bladder infection or a kidney stone. At least if it was one of these two diagnosis' I knew I would get some relief sooner than later. You can imagine my surprise when the doc at the Urgent Care pushed on my stomach and said and I quote, "If this were an ovarian cyst you would be screaming off the table right now when I pushed here. I think you have a kidney stone and I am transferring you over to the other side, meaning ER, for more testing." At this point I was thinking to myself oh good, my diagnosis is going to be right. Urine came back clean. I sat in the room and thought to myself, "Now I have to call Rich." I did, he came, and I cried not out of pain but out of the sheer pain of another thing. I walked to the ER and had the CT scan. When the ER doc came back she said, "You have two ovarian cysts so we really need to get an ultrasound to make sure this pain isn't the cyst twisting around your ovary. At this point they could have done anything I was in so much pain. Ultrasound done. Ahhhh, that was painful not because of the actual test but because of the way I had to lay. I had to pee then when I came out the girl pointed to the table and said, "I need your butt up here," and she pointed and then patted what seemed like five feet of pillows covered with a sheet. I looked at her, and of course me with no filter said, "Seriously? Are you kidding me?" All the while wanting to run out of there as fast as I could because I knew the pain I was going to be in getting up there but was more worried about how I was going to climb down that mountain. I stared at the pillow tower in disbelief all the while I was a making  plan of how I was going to climb that mountain in so much pain. All I remember saying was, "Okay, here we go." I screamed and groaned but I made it up there. Yes! My first mountain climbing in sixty second, good record. When I finally got up there I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to settle and then I thought to myself and chuckled because the worst part of the ordeal had to be for her because my big ass was practically right in her face when i climbed up. That'll teach her. Lol

By now I climbed back down the mountain and the ER nurse came back in the room and asked if I had my left ovary removed when I had my hysterectomy. Nope I still have both of them the she says, "Hummm well they can't see the left one," and then leaves. Okay, thanks but I know it is in there somewhere Keep searching please. Doc came in next and said the cyst was so big they couldn't see the ovary but to them it was no big deal. You have a very large cyst we will send you home with pain meds and then you need to have a follow up ultrasound in four to six weeks. By now it had been two hours since I had two norco and it hadn't touched the pain. She prescribed a double dose which made me sick. Ibupropfen is the best med for ovarian cysts but I cannot take because of one of the arthritis meds I am on. Saturday I was in so much pain I took my chances and started the ibuprofen, it was the most relief I had so I stayed on it until I saw my doc on Monday. She suggested I take the tramadol I have for pain so I started that Monday and it does help. The ER doc also said this will be better in one to three days, if not call us back. Well, after three days of hell I started to get some relief. Yesterday was better so I thought oh good it is getting better. I was able to do more yesterday instead of lay still all day. Put on the brakes, I woke up this morning after a good night of not much pain, and wham the back pain is here again. What a let down. When i saw my doc Monday she said these can take a long time to get better and they can get worse before they get better. ER docs don't know anything on specifics I am so glad I talked with my doc. I felt so much better after I left her. I also found out the second cyst that showed up on the ultrasound was on my right ovary and that is why I was now having pain on the right side, ER never told me this.

Now mind you I have had one ovarian cyst that I know of in the past. It was painful but manageable and I was able to live  my daily life without too much problem. I think this one was sent straight from hell. Believe me I can take pain. It is a way of life for me. My pain tolerance is very high but this pain was excruciating to say the least. Screaming pain. I am thankful it isn't as bad as it was for those three days but very scared it could come back. I have never had pain life this. I hope and pray no one I know ever has to experience this.

What I learned from this? Because you know me everything happens for a reason:

1. Never listen to doc's. What one doc thought was a kidney stone and not a ovarian cyst was wrong.
2. Even though I lost three days to excruciating pain, it got better like it always does.
3. When you start menopause you are at much greater risk for getting ovarian cysts as your hormones go haywire. Yes, I am starting menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats terrible.
4. My husband will never have sex with me again since the night before caused the cyst, according to him anyways. I'll leave it at that. It just makes me laugh.
5. We as woman need to take control of our bodies and not listen to what anyone else tell us nothing is wrong when we know it might be something else. I personally need to learn when I am in pain it is okay to go to the doc or urgent care and not wait so long to go for fear of being told, "You are fine." Mostly because I have been told that so many times it has made me despise doctors or anything to do with the medical community.
6. When an ovarian cyst starts to release the fluid, and even before it does, it can cause only side and back pain and NO pain in the front where the ovary is because there is a sac of fluid between your ovary and your back. The sack does not like anything disrupting that area and it gets very angry when something does, hence the excruciating pain.
7. Follow up ultrasounds are important to make sure you do not need to have the cyst removed in the future. Once again as woman we must take control of our own health. I am having my next ultrasound April 10 in hopes the cysts are gone and I do not have any future problems with it/them.
8. I know, as I always have, I am not your run of the mill patient. If I have what another person has I will not present as the typical patient does. A lesson for doc's you CANNOT categorize every patient into the same pool. We are all different. My Rheumatologist calls me a difficult case, case not patient. Funny because when I saw the sleep doc guess what she said? "Boy, you are a difficult case." I chuckled and told her I have heard that before. I am glad I am able to joke about it and take it the right way because I am sure others could get upset if they were told that. I know I am. Anyways, ER doc who said this is not a cyst, was wrong!
9. It isn't my time to go. I have said this before but when you are sick you always wonder if this is it. Rich freaking out that I have a tumor, I not really caring and at total peace not matter what it is. If this is it then this is it. I know it sounds crazy but with all I have been through it all wears you to the core. I really am sick of fighting, it gets old, and then I remember, if it is my time I would go. Guess it's not. The good Lord is keeping me here for some reason so I will continue to press on and do the best I can for him. Making mistakes? For sure. A lot of them as a matter of fact but knowing it is okay and one day the glory will come.
10. Like I always say, "I am much stronger than I ever thought I would ever be." My strength is not in a physical sense but in a mental, spiritual, and emotional stand point. Believe me if I wasn't I would not be sitting here right now writing this because having one thing after another could eat you up if you let it. I always think to myself if I let it eat me up there would be no purpose or lesson to learn from all of it. I know one day it will all make sense.
11. Today I woke up. In more pain than yesterday but I woke up. There is a reason and I will push on at least until the next bump in the road of chronic illness decides to teach me another lesson.

God Bless!


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Stuff, Stuff, and More Stuff

I saw this cartoon on facebook last night and it hit me so hard. It made me wonder why we think that we are here to collect all these "things" and how we need to have the best of everything that is available to us. Everyday it seems there is some new invention out there that either makes life easier or in reality, at least mine, I wonder does it actually just make us lazier? I haven't quite decided what the answer is.

After seeing this cartoon, reading it, and meditating on it, in usual Dianne fashion, I have become very sad, somber, and whatever other words are not coming to my mind at the present moment. I woke up at four this morning with the start of a migraine so I popped some excedrin migraine and laid there quietly not to wake Rich or Eva. It took only a few minutes for my thoughts to came back to this cartoon. My mind raced around trying to understand our greed here in America. I laid there with tears rolling down  my face as I couldn't understand or make sense of any of it. Of course it brought me back to many of my Hospice patients as things like this usually do. I don't understand why we are born with nothing and if we are going to die with nothing why we obsess with our wants more than our needs. Once we get one want that didn't fulfill a void we continue onto the next want, still never being fulfilled. We all know that in between birth and the fact that we ARE going to die, all of us, there is a space. I wonder about that in between. The dash. you know the poem about your tombstone where it has the date, for me 12-28-62 then the dash  -  and then there will be the date of my death. What is the dash? Okay we have the birth date and the death date but what was between the dash? I think I want a tombstone that has the birth date at the very top and the death date at the very bottom but in between I want a list instead of the dash. I want a list of all the good I tried to do. Yes, many times I failed, had people who hated me, or didn't agree with what I thought, or the way I lived but my point is: IT WAS MY life, not theirs. It is what I accomplished, not anyone else. The footprint I left on the world, instead of a stupid dash. I want the world to know I birthed and raised three amazing children, they married good people and bore me/us grandchildren whom I/we adored. I want the world to know I gave a piece of my heart and soul to people who were dying in Hospice care and many others in my life, all with no regret. (ok for the most part but I won't go there because what is done is done and we must focus on the positives in life).

When I think of the Hospice patients I was so honored to spend time with I know we will meet again. They gave me a gift and shared the last minutes of their lives with me, told me very personal stories, we hugged and cried, and I will never be the same because of them. As I laid there in bed with the tears rolling down my face this morning I thought of the move and more emotion over came me. You see a lot of my dash happened here in this home. Yes, I know it is a home but it is filled with so many joys and the pain of leaving it is emotional, even though I am more than ready to move, there are emotional attachments that cling to these walls. Packing them away into boxes is hard as most of my home is filled with photos, or art my children or grandchildren created. Then I thought to myself, knock off the tears, get out of bed, get a cup of coffee, and think about the move and when you are able to take all those photos and memories OUT of the boxes you are packing them in now. Then something amazing happened. Joy! Isn't it funny how even in sadness there is always joy tucked away neatly waiting for you to open it up? I got out of bed and felt much better.

I have also witnessed the people who really have had to have it all, all the stuff, but in the meantime didn't realize their dash was slipping away. It isn't easy to make up the dash once so much of it is lost. Sad, very sad. But there again we all live our dash and I am quite sure there may be some people out there who would want just the - mark between their dates. I can imagine the dash is painful for them so it would be just fine if all the crap of their dash was swept under the rug and explained with a - mark. It seems that is how those people tend to live their lives anyways so why not live it in death. I hope in your reading this you are able to look at your dash and know there would be a list a mile long in place of that dash. If not, then I hope you realize it is not to late to turn that dash around and fill it in with more than just a -. It is possible! You know why I know it is possible? Because you are breathing and you are reading this. You're not dead so get out there and make the best dash possible!

God Bless!


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Test #4817

Yesterday was an eventful day for me here at chronically ill central. I had a very productive day cleaning out some stuff and taking photo's of our home. It was actually fun and it made me realize how well we have maintained our home over the past twenty-two years. It almost looks brand new from a distance, just keep at a distance. There are a few minor repairs but not many as we have kept up over the years on most of the little stuff that are mostly nuisances over the years. You might say Rich and I are both pretty fussy about keeping things nice. When we buy something, anything, we keep it in the best condition possible so it lasts a long time. To us trashing something for the newer model is not in our understanding. Rich works hard and I watch him work hard so when we spend money on something we both remember how we are able to purchase it, hard work! Mostly his but as he say, "Our hard work." It is funny how he always tells me I work just as hard as he does even though we both know that is so untrue. Funny when you really think about it. I am usually the one laughing out loud every time he says it while he tells me don't laugh it is true. Ha, he cracks me up.

I think the reason I kept so busy yesterday is because I had a sleep test done last night. I was not looking forward to it at all as I have had one in the past. Things have changed over the years and fortunately I was able to do the test at home in my own bed. We had to picked up the little machine and before bed Rich hooked me up. It was simple, except for the stress of it all. You see, when you have had so many tests done over the years the last thing you want to do is have another one. I fight to the bitter end trying to avoid any "new" tests except for my regular quarterly blood tests, those are a breeze and I don't get too worked up about those. Plus they are for Dr Key and she gets me to a tee so that makes it all the easier. The reason for this sleep test is to check for apnea and hopefully find out why I have such a hard time falling asleep. Anxiety? I don't think so but you know how doctors categorize everyone in the same group. You can't fall asleep? You have anxiety. Ummm, I think if I had anxiety it would be because of doctors. Because of illness. Because of how worked up I get just thinking about an upcoming appointment or living with this every minute of everyday.  I never use to be like this until regularly scheduled doctors appointments and until drugs became a way of life for me. I think all the side effects do not help with anything. This is one of the reasons I am cutting down on drugs I need to see if the sleep issue resolves itself. By the way yesterday I also started the next  prednisone/medro decrease down to three mg. Wahoo! Hoping this doesn't knock me down as the past few days I have felt more adjusted to the four mg decrease. If it does it will be worth it in the end! I know. I AM keeping my eye on the prize.

Yesterday I also had yoga class so I was very happy for that. It helps to go to a class and have a professional helping you. Doing it at home is helpful too but at home the phone, the texts, the dog, the cat, and all the other distractions take away from quiet yoga time. I must say even with the yoga it still took me over two hours to fall asleep. Frustrating to say the least.  I must say I was looking mighty sexy with all those wires and belts coming from all over. Haha. I am sure that didn't help the falling asleep part either. Plus the idea of someone listening to the recorder of me sleeping CREEPS me out. I know I am pretty open on my blog but I am a private person when it comes to other stuff. So someone listening in on me doing whatever it is I do when I sleep is CREEPY! Oh well, it is over and I will drop the mystery box back off today and hopefully have some sort of answer. One good thing that could come from all of this is if you do not have apnea there are now behavior specialist who specialize in sleep and teach you how to sleep. Yoga? Hummm, wondering about how much these two will cross paths. When I went to PT for my neck the therapist told me if I keep doing yoga it will be just like going to PT. He was right so I went four times and said, "Why am I coming here if I am doing yoga? See ya!" I am doing better with neck pain. Yes, it is still there and probably always will be but the pain has decreased a lot. This is why I continue to do yoga. I wish I could afford to go everyday to a class but reality doesn't work like that so I do the best I can with my dog and cat crawling all over me and smothering me with kisses. That is good therapy too let me tell you.

The story continues. At this point it seems to be a never ending battle. I fight on. I will not give up. Yes, I am sick of it all. Sick to death, sick to the core, but it is what it is. Brighter days are always ahead and I will continue to push on to the day where the sun shines continually and I am cured!

God Bless!


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Move

Rich and I have been discussing, for quite a while now, the idea of moving out of our home of twenty-two years. We have actually talked about it for the last twelve and made one attempt to sell only to back out. Looking back we are so glad we stayed. We made and still make so many great memories here it which makes it even harder to leave. The warmness and relaxed setting in a log home always makes for some special times in a setting most people never experience. We take it so for granted. We had one friend whom every time he came over he would say how much he loved coming to our home. I loved that, plus he loved to eat and everything I made he loved so that made it even better. I love it when people like to eat and what a better way to entertain than with food?

The past few months the talk of selling became even more to the forefront. Why do we need all this room? Believe me our home is small but for just the two of us it is too much. The stairs to get to everything is becoming a problem, they are everywhere, believe me. The fears of me falling down them is becoming even more real. I have fell down them many times in the past but was fortunate to escape any serious injury but the older I get I know a fall could break a bone much easier than in the past. One more reason, at least for me, is I want to get rid of stuff. We have too much stuff and it is ridiculous. Stuff that just sits there and collects dust. Believe me, we are not ones to save but it is funny and strange how you collect over the years. I am so ready to get rid of all of it and only keep the essentials. It will be like cleansing the soul, at least for me. Pretty sure Rich thinks I am crazy when I say that but oh well as I always say, "It is what it is." I say, "I am who I am."

The worst part about moving is having to go through all the stuff and decide what goes out as junk, what the kids can take, and what goes to charity. I will not have a garage sale a giver see's no need to sell stuff. There is another huge factor, you see when you are fatigued to the bone even the thought of all the work makes you even more fatigued. I don't even know where to start. I know I have many friends I could call and ask to come help and we could bang it out in one day but the thought of having to ask people to help me, besides my own family, is sheer torture. I know I would cry the whole time. I am welling up just writing thinking about having to ask for help. But then as I think of doing it on my own there is no way I can do it and I know that. Then I think I could call a moving service and have them do it all but to have to pay someone to do something that I should be able to do myself is very hard to think about too. All these thoughts bring me back to the old me. The wonder woman I use to be. I was talking to Rich about this over the past weekend. How did I do it? Remember when I use to be able to......, or remember when...., I went on until the pain was to unbearable. As I talked my brain shut down because of the emotional pain I just couldn't bear it. Believe me, I can handle the physical pain but that emotional pain can kick you and kick you down hard at times. Times like this when you should be able to do simple tasks such as pack boxes. It is just too overwhelming right now.

There are so many dynamics to moving. Packing, putting the house up for sale, finding a place, finding a place in case we don't find a place, people going through your house which is creepy in itself, unpacking once we do find a place, and on and on. The emotion of leaving a place that holds so many precious memories. I am sure it will be a roller coaster ride but I also know it is the right move at the right time for us. Rich worries if something happens to him he doesn't want to leave me here because he knows I could never take care of it. I feel the same for him but since he does most of the heavy lifting it would be different if I go first. I also believe, and as I tell the kids, when we move into our new home we will start to make more precious memories there. I know this move will not only be hard on us but also hard on the kids. They grew up here and they say, "You are going to sell our childhood home? NOOO!" Of course they are kidding, at least somewhat. I understand what they are talking about it isn't about the house. So we all go on and we realize this is life and this is how it works. It really is a good thing I just wish it was easier to get from right now to settled in the new place. I know it will all work out and as Rich says, "Don't worry it will all be a piece of cake." I hope he is right!"

God Bless!


Friday, March 8, 2013

Facing Our Storms With A Smile

WOW! I had no intentions of writing a post today but as usual I read the above and it sparked my brain into thinking mode. I read it again and again, taking a minute and really thinking about it each time. It made me think about all the days I have had that have been no good. The days I have suffered through, some with a smile and others with a frown. I wonder how I made it through some of them. I believe, as I look back, I am a very strong person inside but I also believe it could have been the support I received on those horrid days. A text or call I received from Rich or our children asking how I am doing and when I answer back 'not good' it somehow helps me feel better knowing they know. It isn't because I want pity but in the knowing they support me and encourage me to know the day will get better and if not tomorrow will get better. It maybe the voice of the Holy Spirit telling me, "you can do this", and believing it. That voice telling me, "You are much stronger than you think you are my child." Or maybe it is the phone calls I get often from Hunter and Addi almost on a daily basis. Hearing the sweet voice on the other end, "Hi Nana, what are you doing?" Or the, "I ove ewe Nana!" All the while hearing the one I am not talking to yelling in the background, "I want to talk to Nana now." If that doesn't pick me up nothing else will. To know they think of me everyday and ask mom if they can call gives me more hope and strength then I could ever find in myself.  It is the kisses and love of a puppy or a cat rubbing up against my leg that give me the hope of a brighter day. Yes, there are the days of struggle but there is still the hope and courage deep inside us and the hope and courage we find in others that can guides us through each day if we allow it to.

I still cannot believe all this struggle has no purpose. It has taught me so much. I wouldn't change it for the world. I know what real life is all about, at least to some degree. It isn't just some game where you are searching all the time. You find what life is about in yourself when you are ill. It is a peace, a comfort, love, goodness, and appreciation for every new day whether it is a good day or a not so good day. Everyday that is not so good makes me stronger so I am able to live the good days to the fullest. Illness keeps me focused on what life is about. It has helped me clear out the junk, not only the stuff I have purchased but sadly some people who have dragged me down for years. It is an ongoing battle that never ends but with each item given away to charity, each time I help someone, or each time I must make touch decisions I grow. Even though I have lost friendships that I treasured because I just don't have the energy to invest in them anymore I still have special friends with whom I know I could call and they would be here for me in an instant. Isn't that what it is all about anyways? Love of people, not stuff. Growing into the person God has intended us to be? I wonder if we ever really do know who that person is, our true self, or if it is all unveiled when we take our last breath of air. I don't have all the answers so for now I push on through the stormy days and through the good days. I hope you are able to do the same in whatever struggles you are facing.

God Bless!


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Changing the World!

Hello Friends! Since we brought our sweet little Eva home I don't have much time to write in my blog. You see, our computer is upstairs in the loft and I am so afraid when I take Eva upstairs that she is going to fall over the edge into the living room so I am not using our computer but my ipod. I am pretty sure most dog haters are thinking, why not keep the dog downstairs and just go upstairs. I suppose I could do that but all the times I have tried she whines for me and it gets annoying so it is easier to stay downstairs. Plus she is glued to my butt everywhere I go and it is hard to get away from her.

Since we got Eva I have been having the tv on more. Ughhh, ya I know! I haven't kept up on the news for a long time because it has a tendency to get me so upset and angry. Watching it the past few weeks or so reminds me why. I imagine when you watch it all the time you don't see how mad the world has gone but when you don't watch and then go back to it, it is so evident. It is scary to watch. I cannot believe all the madness that is going on out there. It makes me ask, "What is going on and when did all this madness begin?" It seems more killings and more people arguing over the stupidest things ever. People trying to tell us how we should and shouldn't live. I think the world is going mad. I have made the vow to myself. No More News! I think what pushed me over the edge is the Dennis Rodman thing with Korea. Seriously are we really getting so stupid? I know the government says they had nothing to do with it but I don't believe a word the government says anymore either. Korea hates us. Is that so hard to understand? I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubbles but there are some countries we are never going to get along with. Why is that so hard to understand? Also, what the heck is all this Hollywood crap interfering with the White House? See, this is why I need to stay away from the news, Hollywood, Government, and just plain stupid people. The Government says they are for the people? The hell they are. The people are the ones suffering not them. Have any of them had to wonder how they will feed their children or pay their heat bill? No! It is total BS. This is America, what is happening to it? I can't take the stress. I haven't slept nearly as well since listening to all of this either. Not that I lay in bed thinking about these idiots but I think watching it does something to the soul and disrupts the inner peace that is there. The peace is robbed without you knowing and you become more bitter and angry with every story you see and hear. So, starting today no more ding dongs allowed in my home. Well, except for the ones on facebook but I can scroll right over those and ignore and not read. Problem solved.

My prediction is this world is going to get worse and worse. As I look back and see all that has changed over the years I can only see trouble on the horizon. Is the end coming soon? I don't know, who does? The sad part is all the crap that is happening makes me want to stay home and away from all the bad, which I know is wrong too especially since I have so much to offer the world. I have thinking about this long and hard the past few weeks.

My new goal is to either volunteer for Hospice  or be a big sister. I am working on that goal. I have no idea how long it will take to reach but it is weighing heaving on my soul. The way I figure is if I do stay in and do nothing to make the world a better place I become just like them and believe me I do not want to be like them. I am working on cutting down on my meds and for now that is my work. I have said before it is brutal. My hope is I can get off them and go back to a normal life. I don't know if this will happen but I am going to try and see. If not and I get worse I will go from there. I know it may not seem like a lot to you but for me it is monumental. Weaning off meds is hard. It is exhausting to the core but I am not going to cave in like I usually do. My goal: Get off meds and get back out into the world will become a reality! If I look at my future at it stands now it looks bleak to say the least. But if I look at it from a, 'off the drugs' standpoint then it gives me hope. Hope for a brighter day for me and hope for a brighter day for the world and those I can touch with the goodness I have in my soul. Here's to changing the World!

God Bless!