Thursday, June 27, 2013

We Are All A Work in Progress

We have all heard the saying before: We are all a work in progress. I tried to find who came up with this saying but I came up empty handed. Oh well, it is good none the less.

What does a work in progress mean to you? Think about that for a few minutes or maybe over the next few days.

I have pondered on this question before but it came to mind this morning as I reflected on my day yesterday. The doctor's appointment I had in the morning that had me all flustered only to have it turn out much better than the voices in my head tried to tell me it would. I know for a fact that I am a perfectionist but yesterday at that appointment it became even clearer into my view when the doc told me I have to stop being so hard on myself. I know I do. I've known that for a long time, like my whole life, but hearing someone say it doesn't make it magically happen. Yes, people can say something to you but until you really ponder on it and take ownership nothing is going to change.
Over the years my perfectionism has gotten better only because of illness and being zapped of having enough energy to do it all, perfectly. I am to a point where I don't care anymore. If the house isn't clean oh well, those kinds of things. But when it comes to being hard on myself and trying to be perfect with my health that is another story. When you have had so many doctors beat you down and tell you, you are obese, or you need to do this or do that or that, it can eat you alive. My sleep issues have been so stressful for me. After seeing all these specialists I feel like I do everything wrong. I feel angry at doctors for telling me what they think is right for my sleep and comparing all of us into the one lump sum of whats good for one is good for all. This is not true and I believe doctors need to learn this. I felt comfortable enough yesterday with my sleep doc to tell her these feelings. She looked me straight in the eye, I love that, and told me, "Quit being so hard on myself. You have made changes and they are good changes it is a start." Hearing her say that was like a wake up call. It brought me to a place of knowing I must take her advice and stop all the insanity. Sleep for me isn't like everyone else, she agreed. I might have a great night one night and the next up all night in pain. This week has been one of those crap weeks of rolling around all night awaken by pain, but it is okay.

We are all a work in progress. Being a perfectionist pushes you into a whole new category. You want everything to be perfect today and you have a hard time realizing that making so many changes take time. I realized in the past twenty-four hours I need to work on this more. I need to accept a few more pounds than I should have. I use to be a smoker and honestly I almost bought a pack the other day, then I stopped. I knew if I had that one smoke I would be right back. I told Rich what happened and before he had time to speak I compared the smoking to being fat. If I go back to smoking maybe I can lose some of this weight but whats worse? Smoking or being overweight? I tell myself stay on track and try do everything right. I am aware of all that goes on with my body. Am I perfect? No! But it's okay. It really is. Because of yesterday a new journey begins, stop being so hard on yourself! I will begin a new montra WE ARE ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS! I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS! What do you need to work on? Let's do this together and win, not for someone else but for ourselves!

God Bless!


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

One Thing I Wish For

If I had one wish I could fulfill it would be that people could be a little more understanding of one another. I know we are all different and many people don't know how to be mindful of others, it is understandable, but is it really that hard? My one wish would be that people would at least try to understand one another and if they don't ask questions.

This struck me hard the past few weeks at yoga class. The instructors are wonderful and kind at the place I am going now. I like that, being treated like you are important to the class and they are glad to have everyone who is there. I do not have much tolerance for rude people. I can feel if there is good or bad energy when I walk into a room and this place has a peaceful calmness to it as soon as you walk through the door. The smell is wonderful and the yoga room has no windows or mirrors. It is dark and the music is soft and soothing which automatically relaxes you without even having to think about it. I love this place.
I have told the instructors about my health issues and reactions are curious to me. I don't think they have many people with chronic illness who attend. I didn't blurt my issues out in class to everyone but made them known to the instructors. They understand, but do they? I feel like they still don't get it. I might not be able to do things that the others can do but am encouraged to do so. I totally believe in that approach on most levels in my life as "I can't" has never really been an option for me or for anyone in my home. I don't like it when people say "I can't." Well, guess what? Here I am in yoga doing certain poses talking to myself and mumbling "I can't." The truth is I really can't. Yes, I know yoga is very difficult and you won't get stronger if you don't do it but my set of rules is much different then most. I know if others do all the poses they might be a little sore the next day but for me my sore is pain, weakness, and fatigue. My neck is not doing well at all. I am very worn out today from doing yoga yesterday and I didn't sleep well because of the pain I experienced all night. When I push my body along with the normal world my consequences are extreme and different than most. Instead of feeling better I feel worse. No one understands this. Yesterday as I was in a pose my hands were tingling and prickling like crazy. I know that certain pose is one that is not right for me so I told her and we stopped and moved on. I know my yoga has to be gentle and that is all there is to it. I have to somehow figure out how to explain it better to the instructors. It isn't easy for me to do because I am not one who likes to talk about how I feel physically, most people don't care anyways, so it is easier to keep it to myself and move along with the crowd.

I am in a state of confusion right now. I know I just started back doing yoga and I cannot expect results in just four sessions. I remember the last time it took about three months to feel the rewards. I will push on keeping my eye on the prize, the end where pain diminishes and I begin to feel better. I have to remember and keep the focus on the fact that I am different in a room full of people. I have to remember that even if there were another person next to me with chronic illness we are both different. What they may be able to do I can't or vice versa. They may have a totally different reaction than I from the exact same poses. I have to accept that I can't do it all and I have to learn to speak up and say, "No this pose isn't right for me, at least not yet." It's Okay. It's Okay. It's Okay. I have to keep telling myself It's Okay because if I don't more and more of me dies inside as I watch others, even women who are much older than I, do better and it is painful. It breaks me apart inside to see them do so well as I struggle, shake, tingle, etc, through each pose. I must work very hard mentally telling myself we are all different. Don't compare yourself! Keep the eye on the prize, less pain later. Once again I make a choice. Yoga or no yoga? I have to and want to choose yoga. I know and remember the benefits. I want that back. I also realize I am going to have to struggle to get there and it will all be worth it in the end, pain and all!

In the end I realize my wish for others to understand is really my wish for me to understand. I am the one who has to live with all of this. I am the one who has the control. I can't blame any of it on anyone else. I think sometimes when you are ill you get so easily hurt and angered at other people because it is a way for you to take your illness out on someone else instead of accepting it and owning it. I don't know but is sure is a lonely world to live in when you have chronic illness, maybe a little self understanding is all we need even more than for the world to understand.

God Bless!


Friday, June 21, 2013

I Quit

Quitter. What does the word mean to you? When I looked up the word the definition was quite simple: One who gives up easily.

The past few months I have been doing some deep soul searching. Most of us never think very deep as we are so busy with life and all our stuff we don't have the time. When I cleaned and boxed up all our stuff and all thing things that kept me busy, too busy to do any soul searching, I realized I was left with a lot of empty space, not just in the house but in my soul. It has been almost two months without all the distracting stuff to keep me occupied so to speak. Besides my painting and a few other art projects there is nothing left to do but think. It isn't really as bad as it sounds to most who are in the busy world. It is probably one of the best things that ever could have happened to me and for me. The same time I began to pack I also quit doing yoga class. I figured since I had so much packing to do there was no way I could go to yoga too. I also quit because the class was getting too chatty and giggly for me. Yoga for me was not for fun it was for serious issues I had of which no one in the class really knew about and I am sure wouldn't have cared if they did. Most of the class was already a click and it was interesting to me how each week I would go to class say hi to people and most wouldn't even have known I was there. The room had some bad energy so it was time to leave anyways. So, that was another reason I quit. Big mistake. I got so busy packing and so tired I never did anymore yoga at home either. Last week I decided to try a new place. It has been a week and I have had five, yes five, migraines since I went back. This week I have been asking myself over and over why I quit the yoga in the first place? My migraines were gone when I was doing my yoga on a regular basis and stopping brought me right back to the place I told myself I was never going back. Well, here I am, back. Stupid! I'm still trying to figure out why I quit, the real reasons.

All of this had led me to a realization this week. I am a quitter. Let me rephrase. I have become a quitter especially when it comes to certain aspects of my life. My health. When it comes to my health I hate to make excuses like, "I can't do that because of my health," sounds so lame and stupid to me. Especially since I have always been such a bull headed person. If I had my mind set on something believe me I would get it done. I always had the end in sight. Give me something to do and my brain planned, put the plan into action, and finished whatever it was. These days? I can have a plan but it seems many times the end doesn't come because I get so tired and fatigued. There are the times I just get so mentally drained I can't continue on. Quitter? Maybe, or maybe I just don't want to admit I am a quitter now. It isn't like I can't start an art project and finish it because there is never an issue there. I think because my art is some sort of therapy. That's another thing when I think of quitting. The sleep therapist, I quit. I went two times and thought to myself I can do this job myself. I already knew what she was going to ask. Seriously? I am the person people call when they need therapy so why do I need a person yawning in a chair to tell me what to and ask me the stupidest questions ever asked? Yes, I think therapy is good for some but not for me. Quitter? Yup! I'll never go back again either. I can figure myself and everyone else just fine. Drugs? I am down to three mg on the prednisone and have stayed cut back on others. Am I paying for it? Yes, but there is some odd thought in my head and from listening to everyone else making their stupid comments about the drugs I take that has forced me to believe I can get off them. I'm thinking I can't but still going to keep trying. Trying for what? To prove to all the people who know nothing about me or my illness I really DO need to take the drugs just to get through each day? I might need to be a quitter on that too and go back to my higher doses I'm not sure yet and will wait to see what my doc says in August.

As I reflect on whether I am a quitter or not I also realize as much as I want to be like everyone else it just isn't going to be right now. I keep the hope even in my quitting. I keep trying in my quitting. I signed up for the new yoga class. I have a good mind set that I am not going to quit. Who knows? I hope I don't quit. I also learned that being bull headed is not a good thing. When someone pisses me off I quit instead of saying what I want to say, mostly because if I say what I want I will probably get kicked out anyways so why not leave quietly? I think I have to learn to be more outspoken and say no this is not right. The last yoga class I should have talked to the instructor but I knew if I did it wouldn't have mattered, they had their group formed and  who am I? No one to them, they couldn't even say hi to me so that spoke volumes. I am in a new class,  a new instructor, new people who are kind. This may be it. No quitting this time! I will push on. I will be all that I can be. I will. I will pretend I was in therapy, my own therapy, and came to that conclusion because in the end it is all up to ME anyways, no one else. It is funny how it can take you so long to get to this place. A place of not caring what people think anymore. It is a long process realizing in the end YOU are all that matters. Just because some doc or person tells me I need to be this or that, I know in the end I know what is right for me, not them. Can you imagine what a world this would be if we could all get here? I believe there would be a lot less bs, a lot less drama, a lot less selfishness of other people putting their crap on other people instead of digging deep and figuring out it is them.

In the end the question comes up again. Am I a quitter? Only I can answer that for myself and only you can answer it for yourself. Take the reins on your life. Decide what is right for you. If something doesn't feel right then maybe it is time to quit. You know the saying, quitters never win? Is that really true? If something isn't right for you and you quit maybe, just maybe, you do win. I think that saying should be abolished from ever coming out of anyone's mouth ever again. We are programed to believe we are no good if we quit. That's bull. I'm proof of that. I was feeling the guilt over quitting my last yoga class but now that I am in a new one and I am suffering in the beginning I know it is right. It feels right. The air in the class is much more peaceful, warm, and calming. In this case the quitting became the winning, for me. Are there places in your life you need to meditate on and decide you need to quit? Maybe yes, maybe no, in the end it is all up to you.

God Bless!


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Believe Me I Know. Or Do I

Okay I am in some sort of a mood to bitch or yell or... I'll  just write a blog post. Call me human if you wish I don't care because today I feel real human and not in the great sense of the word. This has been a rough week and rough weeks begin to break you down not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

It seems that lately I have read so many things like the above: Pain doesn't just show up in our lives for no reason. It's a sign that something in our lives need to change. Or another that says pain only helps make you stronger. It isn't that I don't believe pain and suffering aren't there for a reason but when I read these after years of pain, I wonder. I think I have learned my lesson. I believe many of my fellow sufferers have learned their lessons so why does it go on? No one has an answer. The question of why???? it goes on and on for the chronically ill. The more time passes people believe you are fine even when you are still living in the same hell you were living in at the beginning. It isn't easy at all. The pretending is exhausting as well.

I like to believe God allowed me and my fellow chronics to become ill because we are strong enough to handle it, at least that is what I tell myself. But then I wonder is that really true or is it all just the crap shoot of who gets ill and who doesn't? It is all for a reason. Really? A reason? If there is a reason I wish someone could tell me because coming off of the week from hell I need one. I also find it quite funny and odd at the same time when healthy people have the nerve to tell you what you need to do or not to do. Or when healthy people post stupid crap like the above. I wonder how they would feel it they suffered three days of chronic pain.  Am I being selfish saying that? I don't think so I just wish people knew and understood. I wish people could love and not judge. I wish people could not feel like they had the right to tell the chronically ill to exercise or eat this or do that or buck it up. Believe me I have tried it all and it does help to some degree but it doesn't magically make it all disappear and presto we are cured. Really! Believe me I know because the past two weeks I have cleaned up my diet, exercised more and I am still here in the hell. Why?

I have gone deep inward. I have wrestled with so much stuff inside that I don't know if there is much else to wrestle with. Lesson? What lesson? I can't figure out what my lesson is. I live well. I do good. I love. Ya, there are a few who are hard for me to love but I try the best I can even when I want to, well enough said there. I thought I was a good person,  a believer, a giver, a helper, a lover. What more do I need to learn? Where is the the lesson in this illness? I can't find it because it makes no sense to me at all.

This is short and sweet and right to the point because I am going to go to yoga class now. Yes, yoga to help me to be normal. To get better. To make all of this go away or at least help me to try to deal with understanding what the lesson is. I know I can't be the only one who is ill who feels this way. I am sure my fellow chronics know what I am writing about even when it doesn't make any sense to the normal world.

God Bless!


Monday, June 17, 2013

The Guilt in Being Ill

Ahhhhh the guilt of being ill and how it can eat you alive. Just when you think you have accepted some of the things that come along with being ill they slap you upside the head again and and again and you wonder, have I really accepted it?

Today my ill guilt is because last night I went to be at 11:00 pm and woke this morning, oh I mean afternoon, at 12:30 pm. I am shocked I slept that long. I think besides the days I have migraines I have never slept in that late. With so much going on lately I am worn to the core but believe me I would not miss any of it for sleep! All good. Even with the guilt of sleeping over thirteen hours I am still worn to the core. I really could go right back to bed. I was sitting here drinking my morning cup of coffee feeling horrible about sleeping so late. The guilt runs through me and almost feels like I have a broken heart over it. The broken heart is not in the sleeping or in the illness, it is for Rich and everyone I know who has to get up, work their butts off, and have no choice in sleeping in. I feel guilt and almost get ashamed of myself. I know I can't help it and it is what it is because if I could I would be right out there next to all those I feel so much guilt over. I know it just isn't meant to be right now.

The guilt I have when I don't get much done in a day and feel I have no excuses. Yes, I putz around all day doing little things but I always feel guilty if I don't have the house picked up perfectly because I have the time but the energy may be zapped. The fatigue that runs through your core is so unexplainable. Today is one of those days that I am sure not much is going to get done but I must tell myself it is okay. I continue to talk to myself in a positive manner. Days like today are okay. I had many busy good days with family over the past weekend where I didn't get to sleep or take care of myself so this week might now be as good as far as energy levels are concerned but I did the most important thing I could possibly do, made memories with the ones I love. On the days like these I feel bad for sleeping or not being able to do to much I will search my memory files and meditate on a good memory from the weekend or times gone by. It always helps me to get through days like these to reflect on the good and not the things I can't or didn't do. I will re-read the text from Rich this morning asking me how I am feeling today and the replay at 12:30 saying I just got up. His reply back? That's good! Seriously what man would tell his woman that's good when he is out working his butt off while I sleep. I imagine most would be angry and pick back with a smart remark that they have been up since 6:00 working. Maybe not, but maybe yes. I am blessed in all this mess of guilt.

There are times I wonder if my guilt is caused by being overloaded and too busy. When you are chronically ill it isn't like everyone else where being busy is, dare I say, cool? Being busy is sensory overload, physically and mentally. I think when you are ill there are so many messages going to your brain along with pain, stiffness, weakness, fatigue, the this or that, that when you add being busy on top of all that your brain gets so tired and to a point where it just has to shut down for a while. I believe that is what happened to me last night. My brain had enough. My body was doing its usual dance of hell and add a busy weekend on top of that and wham thirteen hour of sleep is what happens.

In the end and after writing this I know I have no reason to feel any guilt what so ever. The guilt is all inside of me and guilt is in knowing you have done something wrong. I don't think I have done anything wrong so that helps me to feel somewhat better. The wrong in my guilt is my body attacking me and hating me for some reason. Like I always say God screwed up. I know, God doesn't make mistakes, but he did with me and we are going to have a chat someday about the why of it all. Why would he put a great spirit/soul into a body that can't serve as it would like? I am confused. I don't understand as I watch people who don't care about helping anyone but themselves who are healthy as a horse. It can make me very angry if I let it. When I start to get too deep on the whys of it all I go back to my happy memory files and kick the crap out of my head. It isn't easy at times but it is doable.

I think I just helped myself not feel so guilty!

God Bless!


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What Children Do For You

Ahhhh, children. What would life be without them. Or should I write what would my life be without them as some people choose not to have them. It was never ever a question for me if I was going to have children it was only the answer of when. Rich and I both talked of having children way before we even were married. It was something we both wanted and agreed upon having as soon as we were married. No surprise to us, but maybe to many others, that our Katie was born nine months and four days after we said our I Do's. We were over joyed when she was born. Young and still very wet behind the years we took her home from the hospital flying blind as most first time parents do. Back then it wasn't like it is these days where the grandparents help you out when you have a baby. You were on your own. Katie was one of those backwards babies you know the ones who sleep all day and are up all night? It took a few weeks to change her clock but finally it worked. After the two weeks she would go to bed at seven pm and wake up at seven am, never waking up once during the night. Seriously? Who has a baby that sleeps all night like that at such a young age? Once we were use to Katie and had a schedule figured out we knew we wanted another one soon. When Katie was a little over a year we started trying again. Much to our surprise nothing happened for quite a few months. I was getting worried we were never going to have another child but Rich kept reassuring me when it was time it would happen, he was right. Twenty three months after Katie's birth Stephanie came into our lives. Easiest pregnancy and birth ever recorded in history. She was a dream come true. Two weeks early and she slept all the time. Well, at least for the first two weeks, then came the baby from, dare I say it, hell. Colic, crabby, and wanted to be held all the time and I mean all the time. It was rough because Katie had to have suffered since Steph required so much attention. After two years of this Steph finally got better. Yes, she woke up at night for two years straight and was not happy but I could at least start to put her down when she was a year old without her wailing like we were beating her. When she turned two things got even better except she was a total hot/bullheaded child. Our challenge child. The one everybody talks about when they say they had the one child that was the hard one. We decided at this time we wanted to try one for time. Crazy fools, maybe, but we knew we wanted more. We really wanted to have a boy but we would have been happy with another girl. I became pregnant with Richie fast like the first try. We were very happy! Things were going okay until about the middle of the pregnancy. It was a rough one to say the least but finally once again in May we had our son. It was a horrible delivery. Things didn't go as they did for the first two but Richie entered the world none the less and Rich was so happy to have a son as was I. Taking Richie home was a joy he was the best baby a parent could ever ask for. He did everything the way you would hope a baby would. He was the perfect baby I don't know what else to say. I think maybe it was because the pregnancy and birth were so bad he knew he had to be good. Plus he loved his sisters and would sit and watch them for hours. We wanted and talked about having another one but since the pregnancy and birth of Richie we decided it was best to stop at three. I still wonder about having another one. If it would have been a boy or girl. Where he or she would have been in life now. It wasn't meant to be so we moved on raising our three gifts from God.

I loved raising my children. Yes there were those times I pulled my hair out of my head but all in all I was blessed to have good kids. I know they did many things behind my back, they were human, but I ran a pretty tight ship so they had to do them behind my back because for some reason I always called them out. I really did have eyes in the back of my head and to this day they can't lie to me. They knew when I meant business I meant business and don't piss me off! haha Many times I recall when I would be so mad and Richie would laugh at me because I was so mad. With the exception of the time I chased him with a wooden spoon I know he didn't laugh then but it sure does leave for some good stories and gives him something to hold against me, at least he has one thing. Then there was the time Katie didn't get off the school bus. Being the mother I was I was in a panic I grabbed the phone instantly and yes I tracked her down and went to the house she was at and practically dragged her out of the house by her hair. The drive home was something only her and I know about and neither one of us want anyone else to know what was said in that car. haha! Like we always say, "It wasn't pretty." I can't remember many bad times with Steph she was a pretty good kid. I think because she was so hard before she started school she was better as she got older. I was so worn from her younger years I was given better days with her as she aged. She was the child that the bus driver had to pry off my neck when she started school Kicking and screaming. This went on for the first year of school. You want to talk about killing a mother that'll do it for sure. I was always happy when I would hear from the bus driver or her teacher she was fine once she got there. Ah kids!

Looking back it all seems like a flash. There are so many things to write that I could be on here all day. The best part of having children is watching them grow into the adults you tried so very hard to teach them to be. The worst part of having children is one day they leave you. Yes, it was your goal and yes it is a great heart warmer knowing you helped mold them into productive adults who are able to function in society but the part of being a mom and letting go its brutal, especially when being mom all you know. You watch them spread there wings and you are so very happy for them all the while a piece of your heart is dying because you are no longer the main person in their lives. Helping them decide on their lives. You miss them and watch them on the sidelines do it all alone and with their significant other. You try not to think of how fast the time flew by and try to remember all the good that was in the time you had them under your roof. You take joy and pride in who they have become and sort of pat yourself on the back knowing you were a part of them becoming who they are. I am blessed to be able to watch all three of my children living good lives in good relationships with spouses they love. It feels good and for now, that is enough.

God Bless!


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Like in Birth and Death

If you have read or kept up on my blogs by now you should know I use to be a Hospice volunteer for over five years. Probably five of the best years of my life as far as my own growth and soul awakening. I had to stop because it was getting to be too much physically and became even harder on me emotionally. The sicker I became the more I could connect to the people telling me their stories and for someone who is already highly compassionate and empathetic it wasn't a good mix for my health so I had to take a leave. When I first quit it wasn't so hard because I was working with my doctor to find the right dose of meds that worked to help me feel better and I had hoped my leave was going to be short lived, only a few months. Fast forward and here I am a few years later. Last year I finally asked to be taken off the list of volunteers. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but the right choice none the less. There isn't a day that goes by I don't miss Hospice and the patients. I still have a little glimmer/spark in heart that warms up when I think of being able to go back one day. I hope it turns into a flame someday. I tried to go back a few years ago and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was asked to visit a woman who was not doing well, what I thought, she isn't doing well, meant was she was close to death but the reality it was much worse. She was awfully depressed and a new patient. She cried a lot while I was there. She talked about leaving her children and was a horrible mess. She didn't want to leave them. My heart connected to her in an instant. I felt her pain so intense that I had to get out of the room as fast as possible. I know she didn't have a clue where I was as I sat and listened to her with my heart breaking and tears running down both out faces. She asked me why? why? I couldn't answer her. I think I have blocked a lot of that visit out of my mind because all I remember when I left was running to my car and driving out of that parking lot as fast as I could sobbing. I cried the whole way home and I think for a week after that. I cried for her, I cried for her family, I cried for the fact that I knew then and there that I was not ready to go back to my position as a volunteer, at least not for a while. Her pain became mine in so many ways which is not a good mix when you are a Hospice volunteer. I still see her from time to time in my memory files along with so many other patients and families that touched my heart and life.

Honestly, I think I may have written this a ways back in one of my entries so why write it again?

My Aunt died a few weeks ago and the memorial was yesterday. Her daughter read the eulogy and it was so touching to hear about my Aunt's life as a child. You must understand that when my mom was born she was a tag along. Her mother was forty two when she had her and my mom's brother who was married to this Aunt was twenty two when she was born. My Aunts and Uncles were quite a bit older than my mom so they came from a different time and place. As my cousin read the life story she came to her childhood way back when, my Aunt was ninety seven when she died so you can imagine what life may have been like in the early nineteen hundreds. She told how my Aunt's grandma lived with their family. My Aunt even slept with her grandma every night more than likely because they lived in a small home as most did back then. One morning my Aunt awoke to find her grandma dead, she died in her sleep. My cousin said that my Aunt talked about it, not a lot, but some. She said that death was a part of living. You were born and you died it was just how it was. Then my Aunt said she didn't remember feeling sad it is just the way it was. Just the way it was. hummm. My cousin commented on how much differently death is looked upon these days. It really made me think of how true that statement really is. Rich and I talked about it on the way home. Having the Hospice background I feel I can understand my Aunt more on her comment about her grandma dying, I don't remember being sad it is just the way it was. Back then people died young. Medical treatment wasn't like it was today so death was just that, death. Now days we act like we are going to live forever and avoid the conversation at all costs. Odd!

It would be my dream to have death be more of a good thing rather than a bad. Visitations that aren't so cold and awkward. People sad, for sure, but also people happy for the person who lived a life. The deaths of people who may have been here for a minute and then gone. People who were here to leave something behind. Their footprint on the world. I sure hope when I die it isn't all doom and gloom. It is what it is. We are all born and if you are reading this we all will die. Why don't we embrace it more? Why do we hide talking about it? Why do we shy away from people who lose loved ones instead of being there for them? I am educated in the Hospice world and  have been to many hours of classes. I have spent countless hours with many dying people and I must say they are the nicest, kindest people I have ever spent time with. No fluff just love and appreciation for the time they were given. yes, many of them suffer as they talk of their loved ones, but in the end they are all thankful to have been blessed with this life and in the end with the exception of a few they are all ready to go. I hope in the end we are all ready in the same way. I hope we can leave here and know our loved ones and friends are happy in their souls that we were able to spend some precious time together and realize life goes on no matter what side you are on. Go leave your footprints on the world and make them good ones because they will stay in many hearts once you are gone!

God Bless!


Monday, June 10, 2013

The Power Is In You

There sure is a lot of talk about being thankful and grateful these days. I see posts on facebook about the thirty day challenge to write one thing down each evening about something you are grateful for. It makes me wonder when we arrived to a place in this life where we forget to be thankful. We are so busy being pulled from one place to another that we only think about what we can get next or where we need to go next. I never understood the mentality of always having to hurry up and move onto the next thing. Even before I got sick I didn't think like that. I never understood why we always had to have plans on the weekend or we had to be here or do that. I don't understand how people can be bored. It makes me crazy when I read or hear someone say that. I always enjoyed being home and I still do. Sitting outside in a chair listening to nature or meditating on my life, not in a selfish way, but just in helping myself get to some sort of peace.

I think I am getting close to figuring out why I was always searching for a peace. Ever since I had medication changes my body and my head have been screwed up and I'm not going to lie about it. You wouldn't know if you saw me on the street or out and about but the struggle is going on behind the scenes. I cannot believe taking away a few meds can make a person almost nuts in the head but believe me they can. I also must write I am grateful. Grateful for those changes in meds because they have helped change my personality in some ways. I have been working on the inside much more and all by myself I might add. I have grown leaps and bounds in the past eight months or so. Grown to a deeper understanding of many of the things I didn't understand in the past. An understanding that has led me to the place approaching real fast, the place of a peace that is almost hard to explain. I can say that all of this internal work has helped me to finally be able say I am not worrying about the stupid things people say or do anymore. I am disconnected from all the negative energy that I have allowed into my life in the past. The people, who in the past, may have gotten me so upset that I would cry or be hurt for days? Not anymore! It feels good to write that. It is true. In the past if certain things happened I might lose sleep for days but I have gotten to the place of peace now. I cannot explain this peace but I know it is a good peace. A peace God would want for me. A peace that when I see certain people it is almost like my soul tells me it's okay just walk away. It works!

I am also beginning to realize I have lived most of my years for other people, nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong! Yes, we do need to do for others but the whole, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, was always just a line of words to me. I never took the time to really do that. I mean really, what mother does? Plus if you do that you are selfish, at least the way I was taught. Now as I look back I realize how wrong that was. It wasn't being selfish at all it was quite the opposite. We run ourselves ragged trying to make everyone else happy we seldom take time to make ourselves happy. It is just the way life is, right? Yup I use to think that way too but now as I look back I think it is a huge mistake I made. I didn't make it as a mother because no matter what the kids always came first but I made it in other relationships and I made it being way to involved in other things, programs, church, school. In doing so I was the one who suffered. If I had to regret anything when my children were growing up it was the fact that I did it all. I wish I could take it all back and do it over but now I just have to be at peace with those choices. They are over and I can only learn from them now as I look back.

As I move into my fifties I am finally learning. Learning that I really did have the power in me all along I just never used it. The power to walk away from those toxic relationships and not feel bad about it. The power to not worry about what someone said to me. The power to not care anymore if I couldn't go somewhere or do something someone else thought I should do. The power to say, "NO," to people. The power to not worry about making sure I always entertained to keep people together. It wasn't my job, so to speak, to keep people connected. If people want relationships with other people it wasn't up to me to make them get together it was and still is up to them. If they want it they can do it. I'm wore out worrying about everyone else and not worrying about me. Does that sound selfish? Well, you know what? If it does I don't care anymore then I'm selfish. Finally my soul is at peace. Peace with the world and peace within. In the end I'm not sure what else we could ask for besides being grateful that we/I have finally made it and it is all beginning to make a little more sense with each passing day. So the words above, "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself, are finally, finally, finally making sense to me and for that I am grateful!

God Bless!


Thursday, June 6, 2013

The First Step

Here it goes again, diet # hummm infinity? Or beyond? Seriously, I have started and stopped so many diets I think I should hold a spot in the Genius World Records. It gets old and the older you get you begin to not care about what the world says about how you should look. I don't care but with that being said I also know, for me anyways, it is about the health part. I know when I eat a whole bag of M&M in one day vs eating fruit and veggies another day there is a huge difference in how I feel. When I eat crap I am much more swollen, achy and just plain lazy. The same goes for not drinking enough water. The days I consume enough I have more energy and the days I don't ughhhh you know, tired and sluggish.

Then there is the # on the scale. I must admit I have never been the number person like on the television shows where they have their goal weight. Getting yelled at because they won't make it to their # if they don't step it up a notch. I shy away from the weight loss shows these days because I believe the world tells us to focus on a # and not on the inside of ourselves. Our soul. I am overwhelmed by the superficialness of the world. People who have all the stuff on the outside to make it look like they are so put together but on the inside they are a mess. The # is just that a # and probably why I don't weight myself much. Although I must admit I have been on the scale a few times in the last month and it almost gave me a stroke each time. I am so mad with myself for letting myself go that all it does is make me not care even more. Which in turn makes me want to eat more because I look at it in the sense that I can't do it again, lose all the weight, only to gain it back. It gets old and almost scary.

Another hard part for me is the humiliation of having to go to doctors and get weighed every time. Probably what makes my case much different than most. I have great doctors who never say anything about it but we both know it is there, the #. It changes like the wind. It makes me feel bad that I screwed up once again when I have an appointment and the # is higher. We both know that the extra weight is not good for my joints, or for my body in general. You would think knowing that all the drugs I take also puts me at even higher risk for heart attack, stroke, etc that I would work hard to do better. It isn't easy. I know my eating is emotional. When I get stressed I eat. I make it better by telling myself I have no other vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't this, I don't that, so I enjoy the foods I love. Usually Italian or sweets. What a great combination huh? I have to change my way of thinking. It is all a process.

I decided instead of saying this Monday I am starting a diet over and over and over that this past Monday WAS the day! I took the books out I have on the clean eating and started looking at the recipes and notes I had written in the past and started out with a plan. I went to the store and stocked up on the "goods" so to speak. The healthy goods. I am really making a change for the better and last night, which was Wednesday, I told Rich I am already feeling better with more energy. He is a good support but the problem with Rich is that he loves me. I could be a beached whale and he would tell me I look good. I am glad he is like that but sometimes I wish he would tell me I need to get healthier. If it came from him I may care a little more than I do. But, on the other side of the coin I have decided I don't need to do this for Rich or my doctors or anyone else. I have to do it for ME! I know how I feel when I screw up and I know how I feel when I eat clean. I also know which one I like better. It is all a choice I must make and in the end it is all up to me and no one else.

My other problem is the exercise component. It is so easy, for all of us, to make the excuses. I won't list them because we have all been making them for years. Again, this is between you and yourself only. You don't need to compare yourself to someone else. You may think you have to do as much as someone you know but you don't. Walking, even for ten minutes a day is more than you were doing when you were doing nothing. Going to an exercise class you enjoy is up to you. The instructor is not going to come to your door to pick you up and say, "It is time to go, now come on." It must be the voice inside yourself. Don't stay away because you might be the biggest one there or the weakest one there. The more you go and after so many weeks you will get stronger and stronger and you will be proud of YOU when you make progress. You will start to see you had it in YOU all along.
I signed up for a new yoga class at a new place last night. Was it easy? NO! I have been thinking about it for weeks. Intimidated with my thoughts. The what ifs? I was nervous all day yesterday before the class but after it felt good to get back into it. The first time is always the hardest especially if you go alone. When the class started it wasn't easy at all and there were poses I didn't do but at least I made the first move and went. I was the first one there waiting in the room and one by one the college age girls came in. One, two, three, oh my! But, I was there and that is what mattered. There was no going back now, money paid, and here. The first steps accomplished! Were the young girls better than me? Of course. They haven't birthed any children and they were 25-30 years younger than me so of course they were better. I didn't care. I made it there and patted myself on the back for taking that first step. Believe me no one watches each other anyways you are too busy working hard to worry about your neighbor.

The first step. Only YOU can make it. Someone my encourage you but in the end it is all up to YOU. I decided I don't want to keep eating trash and gaining weight. I decided I have to take control and not let my emotions control what I eat. Am I still going to screw up? For sure, I already know that. But this time it feels different. I feel more in control for some reason. I keep thinking to myself that I have to quit making the excuses and start to become aware. Not only aware of what I put in my mouth but aware of the whole picture. It isn't about beating yourself up it is about making yourself feel good and I have taken the first step. Want to join me?

God Bless!


Monday, June 3, 2013

Can a Person Be Too Sensitive?

Love this! I have been meditating on this a lot lately. I have always been able to feel energy of other people, good and bad. When I walk into a room I can immediately feel the good or bad energy. It is crazy, or is it? When I meet new people I get a vibe that runs through me and I just can't explain it. Even when I am forced to get together with certain people the air can be so thick I feel like I am suffocating. I have always wondered why and may have found my answer.

I have always felt different than most of the world. I don't share this with many people because it makes me sound like a nut job. I always thought I am just weird and left it at that. I never really embraced what ever it is that I have inside my soul that makes me who I am. I have premonitions about things before they happen. Many things have happened in the past that I had some innate sense that they were going to happen before they ever did. I also have a way of feeling others pain, not in the usual way that most feel it. My empathy runs deeper than most. If someone is telling me a story I am smack dab in the middle of it feeling all the person is telling me. I am a total Empath.

I came across a book a few weeks ago that helped me to realize I'm not crazy and I am not the only one who has this ability to morph into somebody's life or situation. It helps me understand why everyone calls me when they are having problems. As I have been reading this book it has given me a relief of some sort. It mentions the above but also goes on to mention the other things that have been unexplainable to me for so many years. I have never understood jealousy, human nature fascinates me, rude people make me crazy, I have a temper when people treat others badly. I can't keep my mouth shut about things that have to do with the feelings of others. I believe in building up not tearing down.
I felt much better when I read about the part where the author talks about how crowds are overwhelming. For me when I am in a crowd I am very uncomfortable because I am a total one on one person. My sensitivity makes me feel like I didn't get to talk to everyone and then I feel bad because I didn't. It is easier for me to be alone or with only one person. I believe you must look into someones eyes to see their soul. I love to hear others stories which is probably why I connected so well with all my Hospice patients.
The other thing that I don't understand is how I can be out in public and someone always knows me. It is so weird to me how people are drawn to me. Also every time I  go out someone starts to tell me their life story. My daughter even makes jokes about it every time we go somewhere. She rolls her eyes every time and then we just laugh but to me I ask why perfect strangers will come up to me and just start talking to me about such personal matters. Learning that I am different, knowing I am different, and accepting I am different is beginning to be such a relief  Rich knows I am different. He always tells me I am. If anyone should know it would be him because he gets to live with all the crazy that goes on inside me. Although now that I am aging and beginning to embrace the crazy I am realizing it isn't crazy at all. It is just that I am grounded. I know the realities of life. I feel as though I understand so much more than most and that I have been given a gift. I am a deep, deep person, not only with myself but with those who know me. I have to laugh because one of my good friends will always say to me when we are talking, "Stop we are getting to deep here." She doesn't like to get deep so there are the times that I would catch myself and ask her if I was getting too deep and of  course her answer, "YES!" We both laugh about it but now I am realizing it is no laughing matter.
I wonder many times if I was given my illness because God knew I could use my gift to help others. I still struggle with this one but I am accepting it much more as the days go by. Illness as a gift? Why sure! If I were not ill it would be out there busy not learning about myself and others. I am happy I am able to help others with my gift although there are times it is exhausting carrying everyone's stuff along with my own. But I believe it is all in His plan and I must embrace it.

The name of this book is Help! I'm Sensitive by Ronni Ann Hall. I know this is me. Now before all my Christian friends have a heart attack, don't. It isn't about witch craft or any of the crap some Christians think about people who are sensitives. It is just the way it is. I am a strong believer in God and have a strong faith. Yes, my faith may be different than yours but it is still there. I feel much more connected to my soul than most of the people I know who are Christians. I know others don't understand me at times and I am fine with that. I hope if anyone else feels different they will embrace that difference and start to embrace it more instead of fighting it. Listen to it. Like the above states listen to your soul. When it sends out the bad vibes leave. Be nice, do what is right, and leave it behind. This may have to do with people, jobs, or others parts of your life. Just listen. I hope I am not alone in this and I do believe there are many other people out there who have this same sensitivity in their life but they are to afraid to let it be known to the world because of what others will say. I personally don't care anymore what others say. I am different and I am proud of it and believe me I will know if you think I have a gift or if you just think I am crazy. I can feel it in the air and deep in my soul.

God Bless!