Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Another Year In The Books

Ah the book of life, whatever that means. I just had another birthday which makes that fifty three to be exact. I was sitting here trying to remember all of my fifty three years and trying to remember the most significant years I've been taking air in my lungs. Of course my memory can recall all the significant first. First love, first kiss, first broken heart, first job, so many other firsts the list is too long to write about. But there are the firsts and only's that are nearest and dearest to my heart, getting married, having children, grandchildren. Funny how when we think of all our significants 95% of them have to do with people and relationships. I know for me that's all that really truly matters anyways. I honestly could live in a tent as long as I had my people and the love they bring into my life. A perfect life? No, far from it but a good life none the less. I always have believed life is what you make it.

The past few weeks I have had time to reflect on the past ten years living with this monster called chronic illness. It seems like a curse but at the same time a blessing. I added another illness to the list two weeks ago and dealing with the diagnosis was devastating, at least when I first found out, but now that I began treatment I am dealing much better. It's funny when you are sick how you don't care about much at all. Your head is trying to make sense of all of it and you wonder how much more you can handle but then wala as you get treated and begin to feel better the light begins to shine again. It's a little sad that your light never really shines as bright as you think it should but it shines none the less. The blessings of illness. Your ability to see things in a different light. You don't have time for drama and bs anymore because you're too tired for that. You walk away from it and feel a peace. You see what matters in life and what doesn't. I believe age does that to us but being ill magnifies it times ten. I use to let people walk all over me but not anymore. I never spoke up when I didn't agree with people and now I can't guarantee what is going to come out of my mouth if I disagree with you.  If someone disrespects me I speak up and I like this side of myself. This includes doctors I deal with and other medical staff. When you deal with the medical field a lot you must learn to be your own doctor. The breathing problems I am having I have had for years. It's disheartening to me as I look back and think of all the doctors I have talked to about it and not once had any of the said anything about doing a lung function test. I should clarify, that is until now. Here comes the part about being in control of you own health. I found my new primary doctor two years back and she is taking such good care of me. I didn't mention the shortness of breath to her before because I figured I had already told so many doctors including my Rheumatologists so why tell her? Boy big mistake and lesson learned. I mentioned it to her at my physical a month ago and she took full control. Tests ordered, diagnosis made, medication started, results of treatment starting to take affect, and I am breathing much better already! Lesson to all of you: If you know something isn't right don't give up. Keep telling your doctors and eventually, sometimes years, someone will help you. It's just a matter of finding your right doctor. Keep opening your mouth you know your body better than anyone.

Looking back on my life, on the past ten years, but especially on the past year all I can think is wow. Wow! How often do I think that? How often do I say that word outloud? Sometimes in a happy tone, WOW! Many times in a disbelief baffled tone. wow. I'm thinking about all I deal with that no one can see and I think Wow. I am one bad ass bitch. That's right I am! My struggle is real, maybe not to the rest of the world that sees makeup, nice hair, and on occasion more than stretchy pants but to me it's real. I have to think of it as an adventure. Maybe an adventure movie where I'm the lead actor fighting off the bad guy. I'm waiting for the ending to come where I finally win, I know it will come, someday. In the meantime I will live it the best I can. I continuely tell myself I'm here for a reason and my work here must not be done yet. Either is yours!

Here's to another year in the books. Cheers!

God Bless!