Drive Thru Diagnosis

Once again I have a brilliant idea. What can I say? I am a mom so that pretty much puts me in the category all by itself. I mean really, if you've raised kids you can pretty much figure anything out because you are always a step ahead of everyone and everything. That kind of skill doesn't just disappear because your children grow up and move out. A mothers brain is always one step ahead of everything that is going on around her. Many times I feel like I am one step ahead of even my doctors when it comes to my health issues. By the time I finally go to the doctor for any health issue I am having I already figure out the differential diagnosis and pretty much narrowed it down to the actual diagnosis. The past two and a half weeks was no different. I ended up back in the docs office again last Thursday with worsening bronchitis and now a sinus infection. I pretty much knew I had a sinus infection for some time now and I am sure I am the kind of patient a doctor becomes very frustrated with. The first time I went in for the bronchitis I conviently left out the sinus problem at the risk of sounding like the hypochondriac that I'm not. It's funny when you are sick all the time because you learn to taylor all your issues and minimize them to deter the risk of sounding like an absolute nut job. I had to laugh last week when I saw a new doc in my primary's office when she looked at my diagnosis list and said, "By looking at you I never would have guessed you were dealing with all of this." My response as usual was, "I know I am great at covering it up." Of course that gave m some odd sort of satisfaction at that moment and I patted myself on the back for being such a master of disguise. On the other hand the more I thought about it the more sad it made me. The sadness of losing who I use to be and now feeling like a shell of a person living life on the sidelines. Sigh. Oh well life goes on. I'm happy I am feeling better than I was a few weeks ago but I am hoping and praying it keeps getting better as I am going to California next week to visit family. I can't imagine going on a trip and not being able to breath and feeling so weak. This week I will continue to will myself back into my normal state of health which really isn't normal at all. More sighs. 

I woke up this morning using that will to will myself out of bed. Believe me there are days it's hard to crawl out of that bed. The past few weeks have been so much harder than normal plus with the high dose of steroid therapy I'm tossing and turning all night long so morning comes and I'm still exhausted. As I laid there today I inhaled my albuterol because my wheezing and cough are much worse in the morning. I use the inhaler and wait for the relief and then pull the covers back and get myself in gear. Laying there waiting I was thinking about my toes and the horrendous pain I have been dealing with for so many months. The pain, burning fire, and other symptoms are getting out of control and I know I am going to hit that breaking point where I'm going to have to call my doctor for this issue but hey why call when you can put it off for months and suffer in shear agony? The life of a chronically ill person, why deal with something today when you can wait six more months? All of the mind games going back and forth about when to call about an issue is almost as exhausting as the physical symptoms that rear in your ugly head. This got me thinking about McDonalds. No not about burgers and fries but what about a drive thru diagnosis? Jump in your car drive to the drive thru look at the board and place your order, "Hello doc today I'm still dealing with my wheezing and coughing but I need to add a side of burning feet and pain." The person at the other end of the speaker tells me the total of my purchase and tells me to drive to the next window. Pull up to the window give her my insurance card, kerching, heres your receipt please pull up to the next window for your diagnosis. Next window doctor is there orders tests, gives you your scripts, and tell you they will contact you with the actual diagnosis. I love this concept especially since I try to avoid germs as much as possible, yes being chronically ill germs are always on your mind because with a compromised immune system you have to be extremely careful. I might be onto something here. Humm. Who knows what the future holds with medical care. I know you can now have a virtual doctors appointment if needed and that sort of blows my mind but it also intrigues me to some degree. In all honesty I don't know what the answer is to all this chronic illness garbage but I do know it isn't very much fun at all. My head wants to make it all easier but trythfully I'd really like to make it all go away. For now I'll dream about stupid sceneries that in some odd way help me to try to make sense of all this insanity that the rest of the world could possibly never understand. Fight on my fellow chronics! 

God Bless!

Dianne

Your Cold vs My Cold

Cold and flu season is upon us here in Michigan. The time of the year we all dread but know is coming. Last week I started coming down with some burning in my chest that didn't have any other symptoms but for me it was a warning. The red flashing warning lights began blinking in my head. My first thought was oh no here we go. I wasn't wrong. It's funny how you get to know your body so well when you are chronically ill and automatically know what your symptoms will eventually turn into. I knew bronchitis was on its way to torture me. I thought I dodged the whole chest cold issue this year because I actually did get a regular cold a few months ago that was a head cold. I was thankful for that even though the sinus' are still an issue with the after effects of that virus. I kept thinking I won't get sick anymore this cold and flu season because I paid my dues with that head cold. Guess I was wrong as usual. I finally gave in yesterday and sent my doctor a message. With my symptoms and my history she wanted me to be seen. Oh I fought it belive me. I went back and forth with Rich and my daughter allowing them to convience me to go. When you are sick a lot you learn to wait because tomorrow "it will be better." In the back of my head and with my crappy immune system I knew this wasn't going to get better on its own so I went. The whole drive was like pulling teeth. I questioned should I go after all most colds are virus' so no medications are going to make them go away. I mean a cold for the normal world is a cold like the one I has last time. It's almost a joke how excited I was with the last time because it didn't turn into an infection. I remember thinking to myself,"See you can be normal." I must have gotten a little too smart for myself so this time I'm paying the price? With the asthma my breathing was not good at all. My wheezing was so loud and with the rattleling I could actually feel it deep in my chest. Plus this whole week I hardly moved off the couch. A huge no no for me. I try to keep moving the best I can so when I am down it makes me feel crazy and truthfully worthless. It's a chronic illness thing. The doctor listened to my lungs and said the bronchitis was in both lungs. Treatment du-jour z-pack with a side of steroids. Diagnosis down, script in hands, I headed to Walgreens. Before I left the parking lot I did my inhaler because the cough and breathing needed a little boost at the moment. I left the parking lot and you think it would have ended there but not for me. When the doc said steroids it freaked me out. I've been on them before and it wasn't always a good experience. He told me it was up to me but they would help me breathe better. I filled the script but the whole drive home all I could think was there is no way I'm taking them. Then last night came and the cough was only getting worse. I decided if I was still as bad as I was at that moment I would break down and start them in the morning. Well guess what? This morning I took the first one and I am so glad I did. My airways opened and felt better. I'm sure the antibiotics are beginning to kick in also because tonight my wheezing is better than it was. I know I have a ways to go but it's the beginning to the end of this installment of living with chronic illness. I also learned another lesson. I protect myself from germs as much as I can this time of year. I avoid large groups, wash my hands, use hand sanitizer, and do the best I can health wise as I struggle everyday, but I realize I still get sick. Right now the world is a cesspool of germs and illness for all of us. The best advice we can all learn from is to try not to pass our germs out in the world when we are sick. I know that's not always easy when you have a family depending on your paycheck but if you have to be out there at least try to keep your germs to yourself. That there my friend is why I'm not going out of the house until I am back to my "normal." Take care out there my friends!

God Bless!

Dianne

Give Me A Box

Want, want, want. Watch television and the message is clear, if you buy this you will have the best life ever. There are so many times I watch commercials or tv shows and sort of laugh out loud or snicker under my breath. The older I get I realize it even more that things don't make life worth living. These days when I think of the things I want my list isn't very long at all. Simple things that make life more comfortable come to mind. Truthfully I just don't care about stuff anymore. Yesterday I had a rough day due to lack of sleep which was caused by pain. It seems when the temp falls below thirty here my pain get much worse. The day after the nights with no sleep are both physically and emotionally exhausting. I get down in the dumps and negative on those days. It's a struggle. The isolation becomes real on days like, that. Illness isolation that no one could possibly understand as I only ponder on what my life would be like if I only felt better. The worst part is realizing that it may never happen.

I thought about wants and what I want and I decided I want a big empty box. An empty box? You might wonder why in the world someone would want an empty box. You know how it is when you clean out your closet or home and put all your unused cloths or stuff you don't use in a box and take it to a donation center? I'm sure you do because we have all done it. The freeing feeling after you drop off all that crap. Feels good doesn't it? I loved that feeling when we moved and gave away stuff that was unused. The satisfaction I got knowing someone else would use it brought me such joy. It brought me back to that reality of the stuff we buy that we think we need but really don't. I remember wondering how we collected so much stuff.

Back to my empty box. I thought about how nice it would be to take the layers of illness off and throw them into that empty box. The first thing I would throw in there faster than a basketball in a slam dunk is my fatigue. The unexplainable exhaustion no one could ever understand that comes from being ill. The next thing going in that box would be the pain, swish! Bye bye pain. I know at my age pain is enevitable. It's a part of life but my pain is not your usual I'm fifty three pain. There are many other symptoms I won't bore you with that I would run down the hall with and shoot into that box. Then there is all the head games I play with myself about being ill that would get thrown in for good measure. One thing I know for sure once I had all my crap in there I'd glue and tape that box so tight no air would be able to get in and none of my crap would seep out and come back. Then I'm heading out to the fire pit and burning that bitch. Ah to dream...if it was all that easy. It's not. It's a constant struggle even on better days because on those days even as you try not to in the back of your mind you wonder how tonight, tomorrow, or the next day will be. It's impossible to shut it off no matter how hard you fight it.  Per my usual you know I'm going to stop the complaining and bring on the positive spin. As hard as it is on certain days I still live. I press on and continue to tell myself tomorrow will be better and usually it is. Keep your head up my fellow sickos. If I can do it you can too. If not open that empty box and start throwing your junk in it, hopefully it will make you feel a little better or make you chuckle a little bit. Hang onto the hope my friend!

God Bless!

Dianne

What I Can't Do

The past couple of months have been a struggle as I added another unwanted diagnosis to my list. I've  been laying low trying to figure it all out and sort out what is going on while trying to keep going. It hasn't been easy mentally or physically. Being a creature of habit my head always goes to the future and what lays ahead. You know how it is when you want to control everything and when you can't it has a tendency to make you anxious. At least until you get to the point where you give up the power and realize it isn't in your hands. I always think to myself God has an odd sense of humor in my chronic illness journey. I know he isn't cursing me because of His love for me but my human nature makes me wonder. I picture him up there giggling at me every time I have a new issue to deal. I wonder if under his giggling breath he is saying, "Let's see what she does with this." Snicker, snicker, snicker. Don't worry I know God doesn't work like that but getting to a place of acceptance in another diagnosis requires some mind games. I'm pretty sure the answers lay ahead and are out there somewhere for me to discover.

Yesterday I met a new doctor for my breathing issues and needless to say I was a nervous wreck. My blood pressure was up which was no surprise. I always freak in the days before meeting a new doctor. I was relieved when he came in and was a nice man. He brought up that my bp was a little high and I told him it was because I had to meet a new doc. He smirked but also made me feel better by telling me he couldn't tell I was nervous. I'm so use to my past experiences with the doctors making smart unexceptable remarks to me that I guess I somehow expect it now from every doctor. This is so sad to me when I think about it. I like how he told me he was taking over my care and would be treating me for my breathing issues from now on. Class act doctor! I am so relieved to have a few of these now. 

Last night I felt like a new person. The appointment was over and my anxiety was better. I slept much better without having that appointment weighing heavy on my heart. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous but for me it is too real. Today I have been thinking about how I do that to myself so often, making mountains out of mole hills. I'm a master. My negative thinking the past few months had me focusing on all the things I can't do. A new diagnosis can do that to you. I had a toxic attitude and as we all know that always makes everything worse. It's like that good guy on one shoulder and the bad guy on the other each talking in my ears. The more negative thoughts I allowed to enter in my ear the more i begin to believe them. I have been focusing too much on the things I can't do instead of focusing on the things I can. I'm not even going to list all the things I can't do and start to focus on the things I can. This morning I started listing the things I can do I began to realize I am able to do more than I give myself credit for. Ya, I can't do some of the things I use to but I can still do a lot. It might look a little different now but I can still do them. When I focus on what I can and can't do for some reason I always make it physical. This morning I started to realize it is so much more than physical. My list grew. I thought about how I day dream. I am always daydreaming about the next time I get to see the kids grandkids. I dream of the day new grand babies are born. I dream about Richie and Leah moving closer so we can see them more. Daydreaming is so good for me. It lifts me up on so many days. I laugh. I laugh at myself a lot, at my dogs, about things that have happened in the past, about my son who is the funniest person I have ever known besides Rich. I love to laugh. Pretty sure if I couldn't laugh life would be over for me. Our family is constantly making fun of each other in some odd sort of way but it is what makes us, us. I enjoy the little things like cooking, eating, sex, love, my dogs. Yup my dogs again. I love to color in my coloring books it is so therapeutic for me. My blog. Yes this blog has helped me beyond words. Every time I struggle I am so thankful I can come here and slap all my struggles down. The writing process also helps me with the mental process and for that I am very thankful. I love cooking and more importantly eating. I think my love for cooking comes and goes more now than it use to because there are days I just don't have the energy but when I do it I still enjoy it. I can still keep my house clean. It might not all be on the same day but I can still do it. I love to walk in the woods and am thankful I can still do that. My list could go on on and on. I think you can get the point of this. I believe the world makes us feel like what we do is never enough. We have to stop listening to all the messages out there that bring us down and make us feel like we are never good enough. This is such bull. Be happy where you are at even when it doesn't compare to others or to the rest of the world. Who cares. You have to make your own happiness. 

I realize in the end that it isn't at all about what I can't do but what I can do. It's in all the little things because all those little things add up to a lot of goodness. Goodness for my heart, soul, mind, and for other people who's lives I touch. Those little things are my life, my life while living with chronic illness, but my life none the less. Realize what you can do and press on my friends no matter where you are at!

God Bless!

Dianne