Friday, May 30, 2014

Trying to Make Sense of a Life in Shambles

May 8-May 30, 2014
Yes, that is me screaming or at least the voices in my head trying to get out all the madness that has been going on inside there for the past twenty two days. I missed my blog so much the one place I can come and scream to the world. So much has happened in such a short time span that I can hardly keep it all straight I need my blog to process it all. I am trying to sort it all out but I feel like I am trapped and unable to make sense of most of it. The most tragic being the loss we have encountered that came way way to fast, Rich's brother passing on and leaving us in this hell while he is at peace. I am mad as hell. What the heck happened? We fought so hard to get him the best care we could. We did everything right, I think? But the cards won and said Royal Flush you lose bitches, and lose we did. It all feels like a dream we can't wake up from. How can a person be here one minute and within days be gone out of your reach? It is insane and I don't believe there is any way to make sense of it at least until we meet up with him again. We hang onto that hope of seeing him again. What more do we have? The memories. The laughs. The better times. Recovery. How do you recover from such a huge loss? I don't think you ever do. Watching the people I care about most suffer and being helpless to take away their pain of such a ginormous loss. I see Rich work even more trying to "keep busy" and I know it can't last. His heart has been ripped out of his chest and my hands are tied. I watch his mother and her sadness after losing yet another child. Her fear that something is going to happen to one of us next. It is excruciatingly painful to endure. But there again, HOPE, the hope of being reunited. The only possible sense I can make of any of this. If I think too much I become overwhelmed and have to shut it down. That's all I can do.

A few days after Mike's final goodbye we moved again. I called in Two Men and A Truck to move us a few miles away from one daughters home to another daughters home. It was a brutal move as our space dwindled to half of what we had. I had to condense even more. I thought we were already down to the essentials but I guess I was wrong. It's amazing how little you need to get by with just your basics. If I am sitting and thinking too hard as I always do I wonder what I miss. I mostly think of books or magazines or I sit and dream of raising chickens or having our own home again. Our own bathroom. Drawers to store our essentials that are now in baskets. A house for the dogs to run through and be free instead of worrying about them peeing in someone else's home. They don't do it much but when they are confused they do. These moves haven't been easy on them either. It won't be long hopefully the end of the summer and we will be moving again but like I told Rich the next move won't be so bad if it is to our own place. The best part is it is working out well with our son in law gone to IT school for the military for six months. We are able to help Katie as much as old people can and it is a joy to be with the little ones. They keep us laughing and help us remember not to take it all too seriously, at least when we are with them.

My health has been at a standstill point. I feel okay except for the overwhelming fatigue and getting very sick for a week after we moved here. I'm not sure if that was from the move or the stress of everything going on but I laid very low for a few days and took it easy enough until I felt better. It wasn't fun. Actually quite scary. I became very, very weak and it freaked me out. I haven't felt that kind of muscle weakness in a very long time. It is very hard to explain but you physically cannot do much because all your brain is telling you is to go lay down. It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing if that kind of weakness calls you listen because you have no choice but to listen. The summer is here and for me heat is tough. I get very wore out where most people feel better in the heat I dread it. I'll take snow and 0 degrees back any day. the worst part is the room we are shacking up in has no air. Me, summer heat, illness, and no air do not mix. The pain is something I am trying to ignore but at times it is hard. Mind over matter. Moving more even when I want to crash. I'm not sure if all of this is from no meds and it is finally getting out of my system or what. I know my eye is drooping more and that is not a good sign. Those little things that mostly I notice but they are there none the less. It's going to be a tough summer that is for sure but I'll do as usual one day at a time. You learn to do that when you never know what tomorrow will bring, or tonight, or the next ten minutes. It's all good. I am just thankful I am able to take care of myself as others I know are not.

Time will move on and I know there will more times in life where I/we are slammed to the ground but it's okay we will push on and like everyone else in the universe we will deal. We all get slammed down at one time or another. I think the important part is we continue to pick our weary selves back up. We do what has to be done in the midst of pain and suffering. We write in our blogs. We cry to a spouse or a friend. We are strong that way we humans. Time begins to heal the heartbreak although the losses will never leave us. If we can't do this then we lose. We can't lose. Maybe we do something nice for ourselves to help us feel better or not. Maybe we just take the time and process that which cannot be processed. Maybe we learn a lesson as to why certain things happen. I don't know what the reason is that Mike had to be taken at such a young age but maybe someday it will make sense. I don't understand why I and other people have to suffer with illness but someday maybe I will. I don't understand why this whole building a house thing has been such a hard long journey of one bad thing after another but I'm sure one day I will. Rich keeps telling me it will be wonderful once we move in. My answer? "Okay dear if I don't kill someone in the process." Oops sorry that was one of the voices in my head letting off some steam. In the end, Yes, in the end it will all make sense, another one of Rich's famous last words. I hate it when he says that. Opps sorry that was another voice in my head. I hate those voices they can drive me in bonkers. Funny I'm not there yet but I will hang onto the hope and I hope you do too!

God Bless!


Thursday, May 8, 2014

You Can Never Give Too Much

Many years ago when my Aunt became ill with Alzheimers, hate that word, I learned so much about taking care of someone who is ill. I never, nor did my parents, realize how hard it would be when three people must provide all the care for one person. It was exhausting to say the least but when you love someone that is what you do. How can you not? I don't understand at all the people who run from having the privilege of taking care of a sick or dying person. Pure selfishness if you ask me. You learn and grow so much. Aunt Emily was a gem. She never had children of her own but wanted them. You know how it is sometimes some of the worst people in the world can get pregnant at the drop of a hat while others have to go through hell trying and many of them never being able to. Aunt Emily adored me and our kids. We would go each week or so depending on kid obligations and either eat lunch with her or go out for lunch. This was where the kids learned to eat cottage cheese with pepper on it. Cracks me up that to this day they still do it that way. Richie even brought it up this past weekend when we were visiting that he loves it that way and it makes it delicious. I often wonder if it is the taste or the memory. I hope the latter. All three of them loved going to see Aunt Emily she was probably one of the kindest people I have ever had in my life and not just because she was my Aunt. Funny because my mom is like that too just an all around very nice and kind person.

After the Alzheimers, argh, progressed Aunt Emily began to have back pain which of course was "nothing" according to the quack she saw at that time. I wonder how many times doctors see someone in their eighties and they say it's nothing. I learned as I look back that this will never happen again. I will stick up and fight for any person I am helping in any medical crisis. Her "nothing back pain" turned out to be cancer of her fallopion tube on her left side. It became so bad by the time of her diagnosis that she was bent so far over you could have used her back as a table. The tumor even began to grow out of her back side. Yes, this will never happen to my parents or family ever again. Stick up for yourself and your loved ones because the medical community won't unless you push for it. Aunt Emily died a few months later. Sadly but it was the best thing for her to be out of the "made up" pain she was experiencing. Still pisses me off to this day. I have had to learn to tell myself to let it go but when you are primary in someones care its oh so hard to do. Why do we always have to blame ourselves for everything? The worst part is when you have never experienced a given situation, like this, you are flying blind. Sad there is no one there to whisper in your ear and tell you what to do so you don't have to live with that regret. Then I think to myself everyone dies and it was her time. Who knows when anyone's time is.

Just after Aunt Emily died I was tired as were my mom and dad. It took us a while to get back to some sort of normalcy. When you are taking care of someone your time is filled to the brim not only taking care of them but taking care of your family, yourself, and everyone else coming at you so after a death the silence and nothing to do can be frightening. I decided after some time that was the time to volunteer and give back hence the reason I was a Hospice volunteer for five years. If I couldn't help my Aunt get better I surely could help someone else even if it was only a ear. Well, my ear became so much more. The things I learned helped me so much. The people I met, the dying and the families and friends, are people I will never forget. Now I use my support with my brother in law and his family. It's odd because I remember learning that when a family member gets cancer it will be much different then when it is a Hospice patient you are not connected to. I never thought that could be true but wow is it ever. I use to visit so many people on a weekly basis that it almost became second hat. The stories that tore my heart apart. I love listening to them all. Now as I visit and help my family as they suffer I die inside. I try to stay strong but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wonder if I can do it. I think I can but just as I think I can my heart aches and I have to break down. It makes no sense at all. Why do young people have to get so ill? Why for anyone? It's not fair. I continue to believe that he will get better with the chemo started and I pray for that a lot but it is what it is. Whatever happens will happen. We are helpless. Kind of like a standby in a film. You know how they have those people in films sitting at tables or walking by as the actual movie just moves along, that's how illness feels when you are watching. You're there but you're helpless. You can't really do anything but just stand or sit. There isn't a thing you can say to make a person feel better or stronger so that's what you do. You stand there or you sit there, in silence. You touch, smile and you love. You think you are doing and giving nothing but you are. Love. What more is there that is needed at a time like this? I don't think or believe much at all.

God Bless!