Well, it happened again I was out in the world only to be disappointed. I am shocked at what goes on out there and have such a hard time comprehending so much of it. For starters driving and we all know how that is. It seems everyone is on the road for themselves these days. I had a guy squeal his tires while passing me at a four way stop the other day right in the middle of the four way stop. Seriously? I did absolutely nothing wrong except go the speed limit. I was furious to say the least. The best or worst part here? Me wishing he would hit a icy patch and slide off the road so I could stop and tell him what a jerk face he was. I was that mad. Of course after I gave him a piece of my mind I would have helped him but not before he got an ear full. Ya, I know not very Christian like but I am human too and stupid people annoy me. I am so hyper sensitive to what goes on out there. I don't get out much so when I do I notice everything and I mean everything. I always wonder to myself are some of these people the ones in the front row at church being almighty yet leaving it all at the alter when they leave the building. To me if you are for God then you are for others and not yourself. It is so easy to spot the people who live it and don't just use it such as the gentleman last week who held the door open and waited for me to get from my car to a building. It was so refreshing to think someone would take that few minutes it took me to get there and patiently wait for me to waddle to the door. He had no idea I was ill and he had no idea how much energy it can take to open some of those doors. He had no idea how thankful I was and how it brings tears to my eyes just writing this. I couldn't thank him enough. It makes me rethink the can of whoop ass I wanted to open up on the rude driver at the four way stop and realize I have to be good, the other option accomplishes nothing. Yes, I know there are many other good people out there it just seems they are becoming few and far between. Enough on that subject I am sure you all have many of your own stories to tell. Just makes me think true colors are shown to the world even when we think no one can see them, the good colors and the bad colors. Remember that everywhere you are!
Today I moved my ultrasound appointment up to one week earlier as I am still having pain issues from this stupid ovarian cyst. I hope this thing goes away because I cannot even comprehend thinking about having to have it taken out. It is not even on the table and I am not allowing it to come to the table. You know when you are ill all the time with one thing after another your brain has a tendency to shut off and not think any farther than beyond the current circumstances you are facing. The one day at a time, one minute at a time applies here and in every other medical problem you face. I can say the pain is better so I am very thankful for that. I am thankful I have hobbies and tv shows I like to watch as I am forced to lay low. Believe it or not I am not going bonkers yet and like I stated above I am better off here in these four walls making my own true colors that uplift me and keep me from falling over the edge.
I also saw the sleep doctor for a follow up on my sleep study today. I feel so much better that she agrees the Xanax at bedtime is a good option for me in order to make sure I get the sleep I need for my body to repair itself. I have to write it again, I feel so much better I cannot even tell you! My Rheumatologist was right again. When I told her I was going to a sleep doc she sort of rolled her eyes and said she didn't think it was going to show anything. I agreed but went anyways. She has no problem with me taking the Xanax at bed because she knows I won't abuse it. I am just glad the sleep doc agrees too! It makes my life so much easier to be rested. When I was forced to decrease the Xanax a few months ago I felt like I was dying, literally. It was awful. I am glad that is over! I am going to go see a behavioral specialist who may be able to help me learn to fall asleep. I sleep well but I have a problem falling asleep. This specialist is suppose to help teach you how to shut down your brain for sleep. I am skeptical but I will give it a try. If it works great, if not, we will go from there.
When the sleep doc felt my ankles and checked me out she said I was swollen. I guess I hadn't even noticed since the cyst pain is consuming my energy. It hit me that I haven't given myself my weekly Metotrexate injection in two weeks because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with this cyst issue. Plus, I cannot take ibuprofen with the Methotrexate as they interact. The pain was so great the only thing that has worked for pain control is the ibuprofen so I withheld one drug to take the one I needed most. I feel like I am doing okay to try to do my shot tomorrow unless the pain hits me hard by then. We will see. Sleep is excruciating without the ibuprofen. It is all a game. It never ends, this game. I wish it would I would even be the loser if it would all end but it just goes on and on and I don't understand why. All I know is every day is a struggle but I must continue to look on the bright side. The true colors of illness are that you learn what is important, you find joy in the simplest of things, you are honored when someone cares about you, and on and on. Little things most people take for granted are monumental for the chronically ill. You realize how blessed you are as others wonder how you are able to live the way you do. The true colors of your life are no different than the true colors of everyone else's life, just are just a little easier for me to see them because I am not in the real world. You might say our true colors are much clearer and not so clouded as the normal world and for that I am thankful!
God Bless!
Dianne
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