Ahh To Begin Again

I'm sitting here both terrified and, in an odd sort of way, excited as I am preparing myself for a stressful doctors appointment tomorrow. I haven't had this feeling in a long time actually almost two years because that is when I weaned off all my meds and decided to go it alone with this chronic illness misery. Don't get me wrong I truly believed stopping the meds would change my life for the better but I am realizing how dead wrong I was. I have to admit it I am in misery. My primary doctor has been trying to get me to go back for over a year now so her message the other day about some blood work I had done helped me to make this decision too. The vicious cycle of pain and fatigue are ruling may life. My quality of life is in the shitter. When I look back now on the time I was on the meds I have to admit I felt better. Was I doing great? Did I have a "normal" life? That would be answered with a big fat NO! But I sure do hope to find some sort of new treatment plan tomorrow. 

I have been going over this appointment in my head for the last half hour obsessing about if it will be a waste of time or if the new doc I am seeing is going to be rude. All the crap that runs through your head when you are chronically ill and have to go to the doc or any doc for that matter. When it's over it's never as bad as all the voices convince me it will be but still very, very stressful. I know my quality of life is bad and I admit I need help but along with the help comes all the doctors appointments to assess how you are doing. All the blood tests to make sure your liver isn't shutting down. All the expense of the meds and constantly being aware of refills because once you are on these drugs you cannot to run low on them or you will pay.

All my anxiety brought me here to write once again. It really does calm me down. The only place I can let it all out and not feel like I am being a burden. Rich is working a lot right now and I mean a lot so I hold so much in so I don't worry him. Plus I'm not a complainer so I internalize all my anxiety when it comes to these appointments but I am pretty sure I will burst and cry to Rich tonight. In fact there is no doubt about it. If I don't release this tension I know it will harm me. Stress exasperates symptoms so I have to deal with this by whatever means possible which means a good cry and a pep talk from my biggest fan. He always makes me feel better. So with that I sign off but I'm sure I'll be back so to vent about something else.

God Bless!

Dianne