Sunday, August 28, 2016

Say It Isn't So

Last night I had a dream, well actually it was more like a nightmare. It started out as this whole summer has, hot and humid and pure hell, but ended better, at least for a minute.

I woke up this morning and it was so hot that the windows had dew on them. I could barely see outside. I instantly knew the humidity was high. Although I already knew it was high because this has been the case all summer long this year. I honestly didn't need to get out of bed to know it was humid because my breathing was already labored. Humidity and breathing problems do not mix well together. This summer has been murder for me and I'm sure others who suffer from lung disease. I feel like I have been stuck in the house for months because every time I try to go outside I can't breath. It's exhausting to say the least. I have to keep the air conditioning on sixty eight just to feel comfortable and able to get the air in my lungs that I need. This along with my inhalers to relieve the symptoms. Everyday I try not to use my rescue inhaler I feel like I'm grasping for air and there's a vice squeezing inside my chest, it is the worst feeling in the world not being able to breathe.

Turning back to my dream. I went to bed with the humidity still circulating through the house but oddly I woke up in the morning to winter. When I got out of bed and looked outside the next day there was snow on the ground. I was never so happy in all my life. I didn't have to use my inhaler which made me even happier, finally the relief I have been waiting for. I enjoyed the day and remember running to Rich when he woke up and saying, "Hon, look outside finally some cold weather!" Of course he was happy for me too. We had a good day and for some reason it was a Sunday just like today. The day was good and flew by. Time for bed again. I remember sleeping well but waking up in the morning and having problems breathing again. I got up and guess what? Windows steamed up and hot and humid with no more snow. Rich watched the weather and told me winter only lasted one day this year. I was devastated to say the least. I cried and said rather loudly, "SAY IT ISNT SO," in between the sobs. I told him to shot me and take me out of this misery. I can't do it anymore. That's all I can remember because that was when I woke up. 

The only meaning to this dream that I can think of is that I can't wait for cooler weather. While everyone else is out enjoying the summer I feel trapped. I watch my grandkids and can't go outside with them unless I'm in the shade and even then it is extremely hard. How do you explain illness to kids? I don't. I never let them, or anyone else for that matter, know how rough this is. Most everyone doesn't understand anyways or they just want to fix what can't be fixed. I do the best I can but its not easy. Then for the last three or more months I started losing my voice like a laringitis type thing. Talking has become very hard along with the shotrtness of breath and the coughing. I told my pulmonologist but he never gave me an answer so once again as usual I had to do my own research. I knew something wasn't right. A person knows even when the doctors don't want to listen. I came across information about the steroid inhalers causing thrush which is a yeast infection in your mouth. I looked at the back of my throat and sure enough I had it. I've had it before from prednisone but this time I knew the inhalers are causing it. I sent the doc another message and now I am being treated for that. It never ends. I wonder now is this something I'm going to have to deal with forever? I need my inhalers because breathing is sort of important so stopping those is not an option. Say it isn't so. I don't need another thing to deal with right now or anymore for that matter. I'm going to try to keep an open mind and believe this is a one time thing. 

I wish this whole nightmare would end. I wish it was just a dream and I would wake up and life could be normal. My normal will never be a normal, normal. Yes, I know we all have issues and I know we all suffer but my cup is full. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to have such a heightened sense of awareness as to all that goes on in my body. This year has been rough to say the least. The worst part is when, one more thing happens, it tends to bring me down. Just when I think I'm doing good and can handle this hell another thing hits. "Say it isn't so," is usually my first reaction but then I must bring my head around and believe this too shall pass. I must live in this moment and not worry about what comes next. I'm trying. What more can I do? Life goes on whether it is a normal life or whatever this is. 

God Bless!


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