I love this quote I just wish it wasn't so hard for all of us to do so. When I watch children I always wonder at what age the peace, self confidence, and living in the moment starts to change. Is it when we start school and become bullied or beaten up by the world, which grade? I am sure for some it happens way before that if they come from an abusive home life. The world and life sure can be a brutal place. I believe we are all children in some way still trying to find our way no matter our age. After all every moment, at any age we are at, no matter the situation it is all new, most of it anyways. We move along doing the best we can to survive this thing we call life.
We had a busy weekend and for most people it would probably been considered a typical weekend but for me it was busy. I did well, as well as could be expected. I pushed myself, put on the face, and made it through. This after a few very rough weeks with the last being emotionally draining. I cannot ever remember being so down and out, ever. I think the cyst issue caught up with me and the reality that it really is going to be one thing after another after another after another for the rest of my life. The thought of all of that is almost to hard to bare. I usually don't let my family know when I am down or feeling like giving up because then all they do is worry but last night as we rode home from Rich's mom's house I lost it. We were driving west and the sunset was almost to the point where it was gone but there was a beautiful orange band tucked under the dark sky and it was breathtaking. I asked Rich, "Don't you wish that the car would just drive right up into that and we were in heaven?" Of course he said, "That isn't our decision to make." At this point I just babbled about not having anymore of this to have to deal with. The pain of the cyst had been much better the day before so I thought this was the beginning of the end and then when I woke up yesterday only to have pain again it really slammed me down. We both looked at the sunset and I began to cry, not out of the physical pain but the emotional pain of wondering if I will really be able to ever find any real peace in all of this. I hate talking to Rich about this side of chronic illness because then he worries to much but I have to let it out to someone once in a while. I am only human. I told him this was a nice weekend but I had no idea what it was going to do to me tomorrow, which is today, when I wake up. Of course I woke up with a headache and downed the excedrin migraine in hopes of it not turning into a full blown migraine, so far okay it just stayed at the regular headache level, happy for that. I am tired to the bone but it was all worth it because I was able to see some of the family yesterday and celebrate the reason someday all this will go away and give me the true peace I seek.
The cyst saga continues. I am beginning to make some connections to this pain. I have had it for a very long time as I begin to use the hind sight is 20/20 perspective. I have had pain in my left hip for over at least five years but I always thought it was my hip. The last time I went to my Rheumatologist she thought it was bursitis and gave me a steroid injection, but I am becoming more convinced some of this hip pain may be due to this cyst and I wonder how long it has actually been there. You see, when I have a physical I do not have pap smears anymore because of the hysterectomy I had years ago. How the heck to they know what is going on down there if they never check it out? I don't know if this is true but still wondering if this may have been there all these years and I suffered from the hip pain for nothing. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday so we will see. If the cyst is gone then we know the hip pain is bursitis or some other joint or muscle issue. Either way it is frustrating and it is getting old so when I read the quote above and I thought about it for a bit I knew needed to come to my blog today, not so much for everyone else but for me to make some sense out of all of this. The quote also made me realize I'm not in control. I believe that quote was put on facebook for a reason. If it were for me then so be it but I am sure many others can use it also, chronic illness or no chronic illness. I myself have to remember each moment has something good in it whether it has pain or some sort of other suffering. Instead of allowing myself to ask why I have to live like this and how unfair it is I must remember the peace. The moments in my life that are peaceful and good. The moment Rich grabbed my hand in the car and told me he didn't understand it either. He didn't try to tell me to get over it he just held my hand and brought me some of that peace. In that moment I said, "I know I have nothing to complain about because there are so many people worse off than I shouldn't complain" He just listened and by the time we got home the tears were gone and I was glad the car didn't drive into the sunset. I hope today can bring us all the peace we are searching for!
God Bless!
Dianne
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