Monday, April 15, 2013

My Give A Damn's Busted

You know the song, right? My give a damn's busted. Man, I don't know why this song is the song that comes to mind after I have to see certain people I don't want to see. You know the ones, they think everything in the world revolves around them and would never go out of their way to be happy for you or even ask how you are, but they are right there riding your ass if you don't do what they think you should do for them. Right now I have so much hot steam coming out of my ears I could probably steam clean my house if I had the energy. You see, being chronically ill, I don't have the extra energy to deal with people like this but there are some people you are forced to have to deal with even when you don't want to. I don't do it for me but I do it for someone I love.  I guess that is what true love is, you sacrifice for the one you love even when it hurts you to the core. I don't understand selfish, rude, mean people and believe me if this were someone else I would have deleted them out of my life a long, long time ago but there are those certain people you are stuck with, so to say. Those people whom just thinking of them can send you into the bathroom wanting to puck up anything you just ate, even chocolate cake. Like I said before the stress is no good for me. My eyes have been trembling all over the place, I can't focus well, and everything is so much blurrier. I don't know why I do it to myself. I try to avoid certain people but there are other people I need and want to go see who are in that circle so many times I have no choice.

I know this post goes against everything I stand for. the loving everyone, the caring for everyone, the being there for everyone, but sometimes you have no choice but to remove yourself from certain people. I don't believe God looks down on me wondering why I am being so difficult. It isn't as if I haven't tried. Tried? Hell, I have busted my ass for certain people and the thanks I get is being treated like a common piece of garbage. So, I do my duties, the ones I am forced to do because of the one I love, and I push on trying to forget how fake and terrible these church going citizens are. Hypocrites. I am sorry but I can see why people do not want to be a part of that. It is easy to see from the outside looking in. Just like the other night when Rich and I were out to eat. The two couples behind us talking about church but the whole time gossiping about this lady and all the money she has, and that person this, that person that. Okay if you are a Christian do you sit at dinner and gossip about people? I guess my faith in God doesn't mesh with the rest of the world. That is the reason I have such a hard, hard time with church. I don't think of it as a club. To me my faith is between me and God. Knowing that no matter what he loves and forgives me, even when I write blog posts like this to get out my frustrations.

Believe me if I could write stories in here about the point I am trying to get across you would probably shake your head and say or think, no way, but I won't. It isn't worth it. The best I can do it stew over some things for a few days, move on, and live my life the best I can. It is hard at times. It is hard being the one who always has to make the first move. It is hard when my children have happy events and people, people who should, can't even acknowledge they happened. What the heck  is that? Selfishness? Jealously? I wish someone could give me an outright answer to certain people and their actions. I am up to my eyeballs and to infinity and beyond with having to always be the nice one. I really am. I'm tired, I'm wore out, and I am sick of it all, and my illness makes it even harder. I can't continue down this road, the one way street, like I said before I don't believe God would want that for us, for me. It is better after all this time to walk away from it all. I am ready. Walk forward and not look back. Walk forward and know I have done what I can. Walk forward with peace in my heart that I am doing the right thing, all the while knowing God is right beside me all the way.

I have to laugh at a cartoon thing that says something to this effect. I always try to do right and when I finally confront the bad person or situation it is all thrown in my face and I am made out to be the bad guy. I am pretty sure in this situation this is what would happen that is why it makes more sense to walk away and have no communication except what is absolutely necessary. Ughhhhh sad part is there are people you can never get away from no matter what. You know who these people are and how they are, they know what is right for you and will tell you how to live. Ya one of those. Oh well, whatever. I am rubbing my hands together and brushing away the dirt. It is time for it to be over and I must deal with moving on and accepting some people will never change and I do not need nor want them in my life. Oh and by the way, I am one of those, one of those who are not changing to make someone else happy. I am a good person no matter what anyone else thinks or feels about me. Some just have to get the stick out of their ass so they can walk straight.

God Bless!


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