Ahhhhh the guilt of being ill and how it can eat you alive. Just when you think you have accepted some of the things that come along with being ill they slap you upside the head again and and again and you wonder, have I really accepted it?
Today my ill guilt is because last night I went to be at 11:00 pm and woke this morning, oh I mean afternoon, at 12:30 pm. I am shocked I slept that long. I think besides the days I have migraines I have never slept in that late. With so much going on lately I am worn to the core but believe me I would not miss any of it for sleep! All good. Even with the guilt of sleeping over thirteen hours I am still worn to the core. I really could go right back to bed. I was sitting here drinking my morning cup of coffee feeling horrible about sleeping so late. The guilt runs through me and almost feels like I have a broken heart over it. The broken heart is not in the sleeping or in the illness, it is for Rich and everyone I know who has to get up, work their butts off, and have no choice in sleeping in. I feel guilt and almost get ashamed of myself. I know I can't help it and it is what it is because if I could I would be right out there next to all those I feel so much guilt over. I know it just isn't meant to be right now.
The guilt I have when I don't get much done in a day and feel I have no excuses. Yes, I putz around all day doing little things but I always feel guilty if I don't have the house picked up perfectly because I have the time but the energy may be zapped. The fatigue that runs through your core is so unexplainable. Today is one of those days that I am sure not much is going to get done but I must tell myself it is okay. I continue to talk to myself in a positive manner. Days like today are okay. I had many busy good days with family over the past weekend where I didn't get to sleep or take care of myself so this week might now be as good as far as energy levels are concerned but I did the most important thing I could possibly do, made memories with the ones I love. On the days like these I feel bad for sleeping or not being able to do to much I will search my memory files and meditate on a good memory from the weekend or times gone by. It always helps me to get through days like these to reflect on the good and not the things I can't or didn't do. I will re-read the text from Rich this morning asking me how I am feeling today and the replay at 12:30 saying I just got up. His reply back? That's good! Seriously what man would tell his woman that's good when he is out working his butt off while I sleep. I imagine most would be angry and pick back with a smart remark that they have been up since 6:00 working. Maybe not, but maybe yes. I am blessed in all this mess of guilt.
There are times I wonder if my guilt is caused by being overloaded and too busy. When you are chronically ill it isn't like everyone else where being busy is, dare I say, cool? Being busy is sensory overload, physically and mentally. I think when you are ill there are so many messages going to your brain along with pain, stiffness, weakness, fatigue, the this or that, that when you add being busy on top of all that your brain gets so tired and to a point where it just has to shut down for a while. I believe that is what happened to me last night. My brain had enough. My body was doing its usual dance of hell and add a busy weekend on top of that and wham thirteen hour of sleep is what happens.
In the end and after writing this I know I have no reason to feel any guilt what so ever. The guilt is all inside of me and guilt is in knowing you have done something wrong. I don't think I have done anything wrong so that helps me to feel somewhat better. The wrong in my guilt is my body attacking me and hating me for some reason. Like I always say God screwed up. I know, God doesn't make mistakes, but he did with me and we are going to have a chat someday about the why of it all. Why would he put a great spirit/soul into a body that can't serve as it would like? I am confused. I don't understand as I watch people who don't care about helping anyone but themselves who are healthy as a horse. It can make me very angry if I let it. When I start to get too deep on the whys of it all I go back to my happy memory files and kick the crap out of my head. It isn't easy at times but it is doable.
I think I just helped myself not feel so guilty!