Here we are pretty much in the same state of affairs as we were when we first moved into Steph and Vinnie's house. It is going really well and I am thankful for the closeness we can share, not only in the space we live in, but in our hearts. I'm not sure how many kids would allow their parents to take over their basement, a bedroom, bath, and at times their kitchen. I'm not sure if I could do it as I like my space so for that reason I feel like we are intruding while Steph and Vinnie assure me we aren't. I even went so far as to look for an apartment for this very reason. Truthfully? I miss having a kitchen it is where a wife/mother spends 90% of her life, at least in our home. Then I wonder to myself would getting an apartment be more for me or for the reason I am feeling like an intruder. I never thought not having a kitchen would be that big of a deal but it is. I never thought be somewhat homeless would be so hard and dare I say almost depressing but it is. I feel like I am in the bottom of a pit stuck and unable to find my way out. We have been here for almost three months now and we were hoping by now we would have at least started on building our home. The weather here in Michigan has been brutal this year to say the least so being able to dig a hole for a basement is impossible. There's a lesson in all of this...right?
We are beginning to see a little light at the end of that tunnel and feel breaking ground might begin here in a month or less? It also depends on the load limits on the roads. With the ground becoming warmer there are weight restrictions as to how much weight a truck can haul so in turn the building supplies halted not only for us but many others. I wonder to myself how many other people building are living in a basement? Pretty sure not many.
I started a so called diet but I really want to say a new way of living. This time is it. I am not going to lose it only to gain it back once again. Change. Who likes it? I already feel like I am so unstable living in limbo. I feel stripped of all the "things" that matter to me. Oh believe me it's not much but "things" none the same. The things I miss are the art the grand kids made or something special one of the kids gave me as a gift. You know the "things" that you look at that make you smile and in an instant you can remember who it was from and when and why they gave it to you. Those are the "things" I live for. I do have a large picture of the kids here that they gave us at Christmas a few years back. It hangs in the bedroom by the computer so I can look at it everyday and remember the moment they gave it to me. I had no idea what so ever they had it taken of course the tears came. I love that memory. I love those people. They keep me going. The text I just got from Steph telling me when we lose weight we are both going on a shopping spree. Time together that has nothing to do with clothes. Moments in time we can never get back. I thought not having a place to call our own would be the hardest part mentally for me but now that I started this weight loss journey I think my worst enemy is my mind. You begin to filter more than just not having a place to call your own. You begin to go internally and pick yourself apart and at times others and past life circumstances. All the mindless eating I did in the past that covered up past hurts or past relationships that will never be mended. Life is what it is. I don't think we will really ever have it all figured out but someday, just maybe, we will. All of this piled on top of pain that never ends. Fatigue that is unbearable to say the least. It's a wonder a person can stay sane but I will. Did it before I'll do it again. I do believe it is in you all along it's just that sometimes you forget it and you have to be knocked back down in order to get back up.
In the end I don't think a diet is going to make my life perfect in fact I know it won't. I've been here before, lost, and still felt like a fatty. It's all internal. It's all about the goodness we leave wherever our feet might land even if we don't get it back in return. It's trying to be nice to the people in your life who make it very difficult to be nice. It's being kind to the lady in the store who makes some snide remark for some reason you will never understand. You smile and you move on. I am learning more and more with each passing day that most of the people who treat you like you are a nobody really are not happy with themselves. It really does have nothing to do with you. You live your life the way you want. No one has the power to dictate how you live or how you don't live. So, as I strive to be more healthy it isn't only an outside job it is an inside job. A job that only I can do and I will do. As Jim Carrey says in The Mast movie, "Somebody stop me." I'm not letting it happen! You?
God Bless!
Dianne
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