Many years ago when my Aunt became ill with Alzheimers, hate that word, I learned so much about taking care of someone who is ill. I never, nor did my parents, realize how hard it would be when three people must provide all the care for one person. It was exhausting to say the least but when you love someone that is what you do. How can you not? I don't understand at all the people who run from having the privilege of taking care of a sick or dying person. Pure selfishness if you ask me. You learn and grow so much. Aunt Emily was a gem. She never had children of her own but wanted them. You know how it is sometimes some of the worst people in the world can get pregnant at the drop of a hat while others have to go through hell trying and many of them never being able to. Aunt Emily adored me and our kids. We would go each week or so depending on kid obligations and either eat lunch with her or go out for lunch. This was where the kids learned to eat cottage cheese with pepper on it. Cracks me up that to this day they still do it that way. Richie even brought it up this past weekend when we were visiting that he loves it that way and it makes it delicious. I often wonder if it is the taste or the memory. I hope the latter. All three of them loved going to see Aunt Emily she was probably one of the kindest people I have ever had in my life and not just because she was my Aunt. Funny because my mom is like that too just an all around very nice and kind person.
After the Alzheimers, argh, progressed Aunt Emily began to have back pain which of course was "nothing" according to the quack she saw at that time. I wonder how many times doctors see someone in their eighties and they say it's nothing. I learned as I look back that this will never happen again. I will stick up and fight for any person I am helping in any medical crisis. Her "nothing back pain" turned out to be cancer of her fallopion tube on her left side. It became so bad by the time of her diagnosis that she was bent so far over you could have used her back as a table. The tumor even began to grow out of her back side. Yes, this will never happen to my parents or family ever again. Stick up for yourself and your loved ones because the medical community won't unless you push for it. Aunt Emily died a few months later. Sadly but it was the best thing for her to be out of the "made up" pain she was experiencing. Still pisses me off to this day. I have had to learn to tell myself to let it go but when you are primary in someones care its oh so hard to do. Why do we always have to blame ourselves for everything? The worst part is when you have never experienced a given situation, like this, you are flying blind. Sad there is no one there to whisper in your ear and tell you what to do so you don't have to live with that regret. Then I think to myself everyone dies and it was her time. Who knows when anyone's time is.
Just after Aunt Emily died I was tired as were my mom and dad. It took us a while to get back to some sort of normalcy. When you are taking care of someone your time is filled to the brim not only taking care of them but taking care of your family, yourself, and everyone else coming at you so after a death the silence and nothing to do can be frightening. I decided after some time that was the time to volunteer and give back hence the reason I was a Hospice volunteer for five years. If I couldn't help my Aunt get better I surely could help someone else even if it was only a ear. Well, my ear became so much more. The things I learned helped me so much. The people I met, the dying and the families and friends, are people I will never forget. Now I use my support with my brother in law and his family. It's odd because I remember learning that when a family member gets cancer it will be much different then when it is a Hospice patient you are not connected to. I never thought that could be true but wow is it ever. I use to visit so many people on a weekly basis that it almost became second hat. The stories that tore my heart apart. I love listening to them all. Now as I visit and help my family as they suffer I die inside. I try to stay strong but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wonder if I can do it. I think I can but just as I think I can my heart aches and I have to break down. It makes no sense at all. Why do young people have to get so ill? Why for anyone? It's not fair. I continue to believe that he will get better with the chemo started and I pray for that a lot but it is what it is. Whatever happens will happen. We are helpless. Kind of like a standby in a film. You know how they have those people in films sitting at tables or walking by as the actual movie just moves along, that's how illness feels when you are watching. You're there but you're helpless. You can't really do anything but just stand or sit. There isn't a thing you can say to make a person feel better or stronger so that's what you do. You stand there or you sit there, in silence. You touch, smile and you love. You think you are doing and giving nothing but you are. Love. What more is there that is needed at a time like this? I don't think or believe much at all.
God Bless!
Dianne
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