I'm Alive

Last night I posted on my Facebook page how being back on my meds for the past three weeks has started giving me my life back. I had a good weekend and felt as if my energy level was beginning to return. Then, this morning. Ugh-all I can say is ugh. I feel like I got hit by a bus. I can hardly move. How can I explain that? I can't except to think to myself that even though I am feeling a little better I have to remember I'm still sick. I still have to pace myself. It's so hard when you have a few good days it's like you want to do as much as possible because even though you feel better the illness is still there in the background waiting to rear its ugly head. It's all coming back to me that when I was on the meds before and feeling better I still had to be careful. The overdoing it part can put me into a tailspin of days of down time. I sit here wondering how I can find that balance of not doing to much and getting to the point of being ok if I don't get something done. I never figured that out before so I may need to talk to someone and get some help on how to find that balance, the balance that is right for me. I also know that putting that post on Facebook could backfire as people will believe I am normal again and I can start doing more but I can't. Yes I feel better but still not good. The methotrexate injection still makes me sick even though I am taking another medication to help with that. The main reason I stopped the injections before was because of the sick feeling. I wonder what is worse no meds and symptoms or less symptoms on meds with side effects that make me sick. I am coming to the realization that there is no easy answer to living with chronic illness. You can try to do everything right but you are still sick. Coming to terms with that fact is half the battle. I continue to encourage myself in believing that I am alive no matter what just in a different way than the rest of the world. My alive might be in my head and in my soul and not in all the things I can do. It's all okay. I have to continually keep myself alive because it would be so much easier to fall prey to the negative. It's a constant struggle but it is possible. It's possible for anyone in the face of illness. The title of my blog pretty much says it all Chronic Storms Chronic Sunshine. If you are struggling I would encourage you to stay alive. Come up with your own words to keep in your head. Chronic Storms Chronic Sunshine passes through my mind on days like this and on my good days too. I might be seeing the storms today but keeping the picture of the sunshine next to the storm helps me remember this is a bad day but tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow the next day or the next. It's all in the hope of a brighter day!

God Bless!

Dianne