My doctor wanted me to start out with the methotrexate dose which is lower than what he actually wants me on. Start out low and build up while the body adjusts to this brutal drug. I injected six cc once a week for two weeks then increased to eight. Like I always do I followed his direction. I did ok on the six but when I increased to the eight the side effects that forced me to to go off this medication the last time came back all to familiar. Sick! I'm not talking about just being sick for a few hours I am talking three days of brutal hell. Nausea, headache, very weak, very fatigued, lightheaded, blurry vision, need I go on? If you know me I am never the complaining type and I must write here I am not complaining just stating the facts of what happens to me when I make decisions on what I need to do for my health. It's never easy making those decisions and when you become so ill from those medical decisions they not only affect your physical being but they take you on an emotional roller coaster too. Believe me you are always on that roller coaster when you are chronically ill but adding treatment or changing things when it comes to your illness just adds a few more tracks to your roller coaster. The way I figure is by now I have made a long twisty trek around the world at least four or five times. Who needs to travel when you are chronically ill? You are on the ride of your life everyday. The three days after my injection I don't want to travel anymore. You sit, especially that first day, and tell yourself over and over that tomorrow will be better. After the three days the ride becomes easier and I begin to feel better. Once again better for me. I have been getting four better days each week and I am thankful for that. Cured? No! Able to function somewhat better? Yes! Having those four days makes it easier to do a few more things. The things I need to do and not what everyone else thinks I can do because I say I feel better. That's the hard part when you say you feel better and people think that means you should serve them. No! I feel better to survive in my own life. I am learning the power of no. I am finally learning I am not here to make your life better. I am here now to make it through each day. It feels good to finally be in this place and know that it is ok. I am happy I have more energy this huge for ME! Huge! When fatigue and muscle weakness are smacking you upside the head you have no idea how that keeps you down. It is hard to explain and hard for anyone to understand. These days I use my energy for me. I'm not being selfish just realistic in living with chronic illness. It's a must to get to this place for all of us who deal with being ill.
Today is Wednesday and my fear builds. Tomorrow is shot day. I have the hope that the side effects will get better over time. If they don't I'm not sure I will be able to continue this treatment. Time will tell. I hope I can. My joints are feeling better and I am sleeping with less pain. The pain that was waking me up at night is much better and sleep is huge. I hope the benefits continue the longer I am on the treatment that I and my doctor choose. I am hopeful.
I will continue to ride the roller coaster enjoying the highs and lows even on the days I want to jump out of the cart and give up. If I don't make the decision each day to take what I get and make the best of it no one else is going to do it for me. Push on my friends you can do it too!
God Bless!
Dianne
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