Frustration

Let me start by saying that being sick can be extremely frustrating and stressful. It's no wonder so many chronically ill people have anxiety. I'm not blaming anyone for anxiety but one thing after another forces a person to become more anxious. You are always second guessing yourself as you shift from one issue to another. I began feeling better yesterday from my now thirteen day stomach issue that I still have no answer for. I called my doctor Wednesday to see if I could get in for an appointment but they couldn't get me in until today which is Friday. Totally understandable. What I have a hard time understanding is that when I canceled today, because I am feeling better, I was told it would be put down as a no show and I would get a letter telling me so. There is no charge but it will be written down and remembered I am sure. I can understand why they do this as I am sure there are people who cancel a lot but I am different. Ya I know everyone they are different but... It takes me to be really ill to call for an appointment with my doctor. I had a physical last Novemeber and I have only been in the office twice since then with this being my third appointment. Amazing considering my medical issues, if I do say so myself.  This is the first time I have ever cancelled an appointment that I can remember. I know it isn't the offices issue and more than likely they are doing this with all offices at Spectrum but when you are chronically ill it seems like there should be some sort of exceptions made. When you call and you are really sick and can't get in its not like we write them up. Frustrating! Oh well I will wait for my letter like I was a bad child in school and see what my punishment will be if I continue my childish behavior.!? Frustrating. 

Yesterday I received a call from my Rheumatologists office telling me that he was no longer going to be joining the Spectrum Medical Group. My heart sank especially since I feel like I finally found a doctor that was working with me and understands my disease process. I guess not. The lady that called me had no idea where my doctor was going and encouraged me to call the last office he was at last to see if they had any news on where he would be going. Of course they said no so now I am here again grasping at straws wondering who will be my new and third Rheumatologist. I hung up the phone with a near panic attack and sent Rich a text. He called me back right away and I sobbed. Per usual he calmed me down and told me to see what my primary doctor had to say about it. I sent her as message and she said she was going to find a new Rheumatologist to refer me to. Now I wait. I know there are a few Rheumetologists in the area but there are very few and it takes a long time, months, to get into them. I was scheduled on a monthly basis with mine and I am afraid a new one will be a much longer wait. Normally I would try to be patient and not freak out but with starting the new treatment and with my blood work results showing increased inflammation this past week I feel I need to see one on schedule. More unwanted and unneeded frustration.

I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I have to put a positive spin on this, wondering what it might be. Just because I am a positive person most of the time doesn't mean I walk around in a candy cloud happy all time eating pixie stix's, I don't. I become anxious and frustrated very easily when it comes to anything medical. I wish I didn't but the reality is I do. I self talk and tell myself it will all be okay eventually or I shout out to Rich for him to bring me back to reality like only he can. These are the times that are hard. The times the fight between me and chronic illness becomes even more real. These are the frustrations one does not need. I'm sitting here at the end of this post beginning to chuckle about the letter I'm going to receive. Writing all of this helped me get a little frustration out and realize I can't take all of this too serious because in the end it will all work itself out somehow. I'll get my hands slapped with the letter and I will more than likely find a new Rheumetologist. I can hear the words of Rich in the back of my head telling me to settle down it will be fine and I begin to feel better. I start to believe it really will work out!

God Bless!

Dianne