Progress?

I woke up this morning and as I laid there for my usual half hour contemplating getting up I thought about the past two and a half weeks and I became frustrated again. I hate to keep beating this to death but it is what it is. Hold on for a little more babble it gets a little better. The voices in my head argued as I laid there. The number one argument was about the medication I'm on and the very unwanted side effects that are affecting everything I do lately. I laid there willing myself to get up while fighting the urge to go back to sleep. I fought with myself about just stopping this stupid medication. I mean what's the point anyway without a Rheumatologist? It's so easy for me to go there, that place of giving up. I realize I am a quitter. When things don't go my way I want to throw in the towel and forget it all. I'm learning I have been a quitter all my life. A good self realization for me. The best part of being chronically ill is you learn so many things about yourself you would never learn if you were actually living s normal life. Wait, is that good or bad? 

I remember when I was in elementary school and I use to love to clean the chalkboards. I would beg my teachers to let me clean them with water because truthfully I hated seeing the marks that were left after the chalk was erased with the eraser. I loved how they looked after the teacher told me yes but, I also dreaded the fact that she would pick up the chalk and the whole process would startover again. The perfectionist in me I guess. There are many days I wish I had a huge 5'6" eraser so I could erase illness from my body. Better yet a big bucket of water to dip that eraser in so the illness would be clean as ever. Ha, then the reality hit me that no matter how many times I tried to wash it all clean it would always come back. Funny how autoimmune disease does that to you. It doesn't care how nice or good or giving you are it attacks and at times when it is least expected. I fought a little more with the voices, and prayed for answers from God. I finally rolled myself out of bed and started the process of waking up and getting moving, not so easy with someone who has arthritis but hey I'm still breathing so there is no other option.

The day started as it usually does except today there was a huge basket of tomatoes on the counter that needed to be taken care of. It's always good for someone like me to have things waiting for us it keeps us going. I know that is true for most but for sickos it is a little different. Hard to explain. I started salsa and was in the middle of cutting up the stuff when the phone rang. It was my doctors office calling about finding me a new Rheumatologist. You know you are chronically ill when you get some odd sort of excitement out of calls like this but right now I need a Rheumtologist. It is hard flying blind with no doctor to call when I have questions about this new med, and about blood tests that are running high. This is another reason I was arguing this with myself this morning because my questions and blood work are flying in limbo with no one monitoring them. I don't like this at all but after the call I felt my cry to God was answered. The conversation about the referral went very well.  I was able to give her much more insight as to why I needed an appointment by October and she took detailed notes to pass along to the rheumatology office.  

Hope! Hope that always keep me going. Hope that always comes from despear. It's funny how that works but also magical and wonderful. My cries out to God always seem to get answered, many times not in my time frame, but answered none the less. I truly believe that call happened today because I am not suppose to throw in the towel on this treatment plan. I am getting relief and feel I have been given back life, somewhat. Doing so much more than I did just a few months ago. Receiving texts from my son last night about the medication that give me hope. All the people around me who love and care about me at times like this give me even more hope. When I become down and the tears roll down my face I hang onto the hope. I wait for the call to set up the actual appointment and in the meantime enjoy the ride no matter how bumpy it is. 

God Bless!

Dianne