The Price Of Illness

Thinking about life I realized there is a price you pay for everything. If you think about it deeply there is a price to be paid with almost everything we touch or in anything that touches our lives. Love has a price with it's up and down like a roller coaster and anyone who tells you different is a liar. Relationships have a price on so many levels. Freindships that come and go and others that stay or those that always hold a special place in your heart no matter the distance or time spent apart. Children, there's a big price in raising them. You spend 75% of the time questioning every decision you make with them, even as they grow and leave the nest, and the other 25% beating yourself up for things they will never remember. They leave and you try to figure out who you are without them. I am still trying to figure that out after all these years. Relationships that use to be but will never be again and realizing that's okay. The price we and others pay for their actions are not always easy but they are life. 

The price we pay.

Sitting here in the basement, nice and warm, I think about the price we pay for heat, not to mention a roof over our heads, the lights, and the tv that are all running on electricity. The price of comfort doesn't come cheap at all. Thinking about the cost of having a place to live I become overwhelmed at the price of it all. I wonder why we need so many "things" in our lives. This is a huge struggle for me but I wonder if that is true because I am unable to work and contribute. I remember when I use to work and we would use my checks to buy groceries. It gave me some satisfaction that I was a part of keeping our family afloat. These days the most money I get is when I cut my parents hair and they feel better if they pay me. Guilt money I call it but there is no arguing with them about it. I usually take that money and buy something I need like shoes, boots, coats, etc that way I can tell them what they bought me and feel better about taking their money for something I would gladly do for free. The little bit of paper work Rich brings home when he needs a helping hand that oddly makes me feel needed in the work force even though I never leave the house to do it.  It's painful when you can't work. Funny how illness takes that away from you. All the things you want to do in your head but can't. 

The price we pay.

The price of illness. I'm not sure why this subject is weighing so heavy on my heart lately but it is. Possibly because the price of Christmas just passed and I feel like I contributed zero. According to Rich that isn't the case because he always says I work as hard as he does which makes me laugh outloud, at least on the inside. He always tells me there is no reason for me to work and I need to take care of myself. I understand where he is coming from but when I see medical bills that insurance doesn't cover or knowing in a few months I need to get implants to fill in the gaps of teeth lost from the Sjogrens. The price of all the copay's of my medications that were just refilled that give me mounting anxiety about not being able help pay for the thousands in bills. It's scary and unknown when you are at the age in life where things should be different. I see Rich work his ass off only to put it all back out there and mostly for me. I watch him give up things that he should be able to do for himself but doesn't. The price of chronic illness is devastating, at least to me. This is the price we pay that no one sees. It doesn't stop at the financial side it's even bigger than that. The price a chronically ill person pays when it comes to relationships is way bigger than the normal prices paid that I listed. My illness controls my relationships I don't control them. I/We continually have people who want to go out or see us but I have only enough energy to expend on few relationships. This doesn't mean I don't want to see people it's just the cold hard truth. One night out can set me back for days. I know that is hard to understand but for me it is the price I pay. The price only I can understand and have a hard time finding words to explain it to anyone. Always having to look ahead and ask myself, "What is going to be the payoff if I do this?" There is always a payoff and many times it is brutal. How doea one explain the price I pay to the world? You don't because many people think if I get out it will do me good or if I exercise I will feel better or if I take this vitamin I will be cured. This in turn makes the price I pay even more difficult because there is no understanding.  Rich is the only one who knows and understand because he pays the price too. Living with me and taking care of me is his price in my illness. Not fair, not fair at all. I believe the price a chronically ill person pays is 50/50. 50% physical and 50% mental. Keeping your head above water is half the battle. It gets hard sometimes, especially when you aren't doing well,  to keep the focus. Christmas and New Years fatigue have plagued me big time and I am still paying the price. I can barely do the things I have to do without wanting to plop on the couch. The price is too big for me right now but I continue to keep my focus on the fact that this too shall pass! I know it will.

The price we pay.

I'm not sure the reason in writing this blog except to help myself come to terms with the price I pay on a daily basis, to be okay with it, and know it will get better. I still hope that one day I will get the answer to why but until then I press on and do the best I can! I hope you can too!

The price we pay.

God Bless!

Dianne