I am having a rough week on so many levels. I was put back on steroids for the third time a few weeks ago and when I took the last magic pill it's like my immune system went even more haywire, this happened the last time too. I asked my Rheumatologist why I have such problems when I taper off the steroids and he said it is because I am probably tapering too fast. I'm a slow learner but after this week I realize I must tell the doctors who treat me with steroids for other reasons besides the joint pain that I have to taper more slowly. Aside from joint pain that is on the rise I still am dealing with a sinus infection that started last February. I'm pretty sure this is the worst one I have ever had. I went yesterday and was put on the third antibiotic in three months. Good news is no steroids because my breathing is good and I am extremely thankful for that because I have been dealing with that since February too. I sure hope this treatment works because this is no fun and I don't want to even think about what will come next. I know since I already had sinus surgery in the past there is a good possibility of it in the future. Truthfully I'd rather be chased by a bear protecting her cubs than go through that again. It's that bad. My brain is on overload with all that is going on with my body from head to toe, literally, but I'm not going to let the body win. I don't feel like doing anything so to keep me going I bought a 1000 piece puzzle. I'm loving puzzles and I'm not to proud to admit I'm good at them. It's good to have something to do because it keeps your mind off your aches and pains when you have them constantly. Being sick like this for three months can take a toll on you so you have to have your bag of tricks ready at all times. It's very hard this time of year too because Rich is so busy at work and we don't get much time together.
I'm so thankful I also have my dogs and now my cat to keep me going. Out of all my medical treatments I believe without a doubt the number one best therapy for me is Eva, Ella, and Portia. Having either one, two, or all three of them at my feet or on my lap all day long gives me hope. Yes there are times they are too needy and when I don't feel well it might get overwhelming but then I think about how fortunate I am to have them to push me, to keep me from falling into the dark abyss that would be so easy to fall into. The other day when Rich and I were talking we were talking about the dogs and the cat and I was laughing and jokingly said I promise no more animals and he said, "If you want more you can get one." He said it very seriously and I knew he meant it. At the time I laughed and blew it off saying, "No way, three is enough I only have two hands to pet them." End of convo. It didn't hit me until the next day when I was driving in the car that the realization of him saying, "If you want more you can get one," really meant. When I thought back on how he said it and the look on his face it was like everything else with him. He would go to the end of the earth to get me anything I want. If I see something in the paper or on tv and make a comment such as, "That's cool," or "I like that," his answer is always, "Get it for yourself." Nine times out of ten I don't say it because I want it but because I like it. The reality driving that day hit me hard as it has before. He would lasso the moon out of the sky for me because the one thing he really wants to do for me, he can't, he can't make me better. He watches the suffering and being a male and a fixer he wants to fix my illness but, he can't. That realization is so painful for me because when I turn the tables in my head and if it was him I would want the same thing. I have always said illness is so much harder on the ones that have to watch the suffering than the the ones suffering, at least in most cases. Love is funny like that. Most of us are good people who hate to see suffering. How many parents have sick children and say, "I wish I it was me instead?" It's no different in most loving relationships. We all know suffering is life. We all suffer many times in our lives, many times short term, but many times in the long term. Realizing the suffering is there and is ours to learn from can be a long painful process but it is part of our journey. It's can be a positive learning experience or a negative one. You choose. It's all in how we decide to handle it d no one else. What's your choice? I know mine!
I gotta go there's a puzzle waiting for me.
God Bless!
Dianne
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