How true and how sad both at the same time. When I first read it I was reminded of the first time I saw my new rheumatologist. He was checking my joints and would ask, "Does this hurt?" My answer was well yes but it's because of this or because of that. It seemed every time he asked if something hurt or asked if something gave me issues I had a counter offer so to speak as to why it hurt. My knee hurts but that's because I have bad feet. Me elbow hurts because of the tennis elbow I had been experiencing at that time. Funny how that elbow pain disappeared when he started me on a new treatment, Humm. I remember after every excuse I gave him he would say, "So that's a yes?" I remember staring at him with the deer in the headlight look only later to realize how much I minimize my pain. "So that's a yes?" "So that's a yes?" It's painful to say, "Yes that hurts," to every issue I deal with. I remember after a few times of him saying, "So that's a yes?" I gave in and just said,"Yes," without making anymore excuses. Finally a doctor who understood.
The more I thought about it after I left that first appointment appointment I realized maybe I minimize my pain to make other people feel better. Or maybe I do it to feel normal in a life gone wrong. Or maybe if I deny the pain it really isn't happening. Or is it because of all the doctors in the past who told me I was to fat or lazy and needed to get moving more, little did they understand moving more caused more pain and put me in a vicious cycle of hell, besides I was moving already and I was still suffering. I don't know. The mental anguish is so much harder to handle than any pain that is thrown my way. I think. It's easy to say that now as I am on steroids once again, fourth time in three months to be exact. I'm sure my bones are not happy but the rest of me is feeling better at least for a minute. The strange part about steroids is you do fine on them and as soon as you wean off the trouble starts all over again. As my Rheumotologist said last week, "Getting off steroids is like letting the horse out of the barn when it comes to autoimmune disease." Makes perfect sense because that is how it feels. Last week I called him because my knee was so painful for over a week and I knew the arthritis was acting up. I was hoping for a steroid shot to get me through the pain and allow the knee to heal but when I saw him he said he needed to have an ultrasound. He was pretty sure I have a bakers cyst but wanted to make sure before he treated it. I started the steroids last Friday and within twenty four hours the pain was better. It's funny how steroids can mask a problem that is actually still there. I went for the ultrasound yesterday and of course he was right, bakers cyst caused by the arthritis. It's funny because a bakers cyst has nothing to do with baking it is just the man who discovered what a bakers cyst was. Crazy name. Although if you're going to have cyst why not one that reminds you of donuts and cake? What actually happens with a bakers cyst is the knee becomes inflamed and it produces extra synovial fluid. The fluid builds up in the knee and because of the knee cap the fluid has no where to go but behind your knee where it causes a cyst. All I know is it caused a lot of pain and sheer exhaustion. The pain was so bad at night I tossed and turned all night in pain. Night is always a bad time of day for anyone with arthrits but this was beyond any pain I have experienced besides my cervical pain before I had those joints fused. Before the steroids last week I could hardly think straight because the pain was so exhausting, hard to explain unless you have experienced that kind of pain.
Doctor said if it does turn out to be a cyst then next week when I go back he will drain it and shoot me up with steroids in the knee and we will have to keep an eye on the cyst because they do tend to come back. I am hopeful the treatment will work but with my track record... In the meantime I am thankful for the oral steroid treatment. Here we go again with the vicious cycle. Wondering if it will ever end and knowing what that it probably won't. Coming to terms with that reality isn't easy but I have to make it doable. I will continue to keep my head focused on brighter days and try to leave the darker ones behind. I will continue to fight in my illness journey because I know no one else can do it for me. I'll use my story to encourage others and that is what gives me hope! All at the risk of being a whiner.
God Bless!
Dianne
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