Saturday, December 3, 2016

Things Are Spinning Out Of Control

It's been a while but I've been too busy surviving to write in my blog. The cold weather hit here and the last few weeks have been brutal. The extreme cold has affected my breathing making it hard to get around. I've felt like I can't get enough air in my lungs for a while now but when this bitter cold hit the issue only became worse. Besides the fact that the exhaustion caused by this has been unexplainable. I have been using my inhalers but I am also very stubborn when it comes to using them. It's some odd sort of game I play with myself. If I don't use my albuterol when I need it and I ignore the symptoms it's like my head thinks this will all go away. It's almost like I think I'm in control if I don't use the inhaler. I fight this all the time. I'm sure it is still the denial of the disease. How can ignoring something like not being able to breathe make it go away? When I think about it or write about it it sounds absolutely absurd. I'm no idiot I know it's there. It feels like I'm banging my head up against the wall over and over trying to deal with all of this. I saw my pulmonologist the other day and we decided to add another inhaler, which by the way doesn't sit well in my head. It's been three days since I started it and I feel like I am getting air deeper in my lungs already. My fatigue was much better the past few days but I guess getting air in yours lungs will do that? The doctor also suggested doing thirty minutes of exercise daily to strengthen my lungs which in turn will make it easier to breathe and help my lungs to work better. I'm committing myself to this in hopes that I won't need as many inhalers in the future. This new inhaler is a trial run anyways. I'm on it now to see if it helps then I will go off it to see if my symptoms return. Making the commitment to exercise daily isn't easy when your energy is at an all time low but I am truly serious about sticking to this. Instead of using my extreme fatigue as an excuse I'm going to push through it and do the exercise no matter what. If I continue to make excuses I continue to be stuck on the same path. I've been working on losing weight since July and have lost over twenty pounds. Yay for me! It isn't easy but it's possible. When I started twenty pounds seemed miles away but looking back it wasn't that bad. Once I started my cravings for junk subsided and it did get easier. I also realized even more how much of a emotional eater I am. Stressed? Eat some junk that will help. Of course it never did the stress was still there and my ass just grew a little more. I will continue on this path too. Less weight equals less pressure on the joints especially my knees, ankles, and feet. Three joint areas that have been painful and troublesome for a while now. I am having a stress test next week and after that I will start on the Humira for the joint pain hoping to lessen that. If I can get that under control along with being able to breathe better I'm hopeful my daily living will become easier and I'm sure more enjoyable. Feeling the way I have been doesn't leave me much energy to give out to others. I'm stuck in a place that is not me at all. I feel like I'm in a valley at the bottom of a very tall mountain looking up at the light on the top of the mountain. It looks like a long haul to the top but the rope with the hook are there for me to grab onto and start pulling myself back up. I started a exercise/weight journal so I can record my progress. I'm not going to beat myself up when I don't accomplish what I should. I'll do the best I can and pat myself on the back with any progress I make. Any positive changes or thoughts I have I will write down. You don't realize the changes in your daily life until you write them down and reflect back on the collection of notes you wrote. I will also keep track of any and all symptoms I experience so I can see if there are improvements or set backs over time. I will keep track of negative thoughts that might try to throw me off course and when the negatives thoughts come I'll replace them with the positives. This isn't a New Years resolution, I hate those, just a time for me to reflect on the progress or the set backs I encountere on my way to not only health improvements but self improvements. Push on my friends and let the games begin!


God Bless!

Dianne



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