I've said it before and I'm not going to lie. I'm tired. The past few weeks the realization became even more real as I had to work on getting a new prescription filled. It's bad enough when being tired, not a normal persons tired, Living your simple life wears you down but adding to it with the nonsense of getting a script filled is not warmly welcomed. I am starting on a biologic medication that is very expensive. When I say expensive I'm not taking a few hundred dollars but thousands of dollars a month. First I needed to have a lab test to make sure I didn't have TB or any TB laying dormant in my system. Passed that one with flying colors. It seems that was the easiest step in all of this stressful decision. Next, insurance approval. Oh boy here we go. Doc sent information for approval and I heard nothing. I'm not the kind to call my docs and be a pest. If there's one thing I've learned over the years it is when it comes to anything medical patience is key. The week came and went and in that time I heard from the Humira nurse who will be helping me with my injections and will help me with all the issues and answer any questions I might have through this beginning process. She suggested I call my doctor and see what is going on, so I did. They had sent in the info and said they would resend everything directly to my insurance carrier once again. I patiently waited another week and my Humira nurse said call the insurance carrier again. This time I had been approved but I had to go through a specialty pharmacy because of this specific drug. I was told to call them. The new specialty pharmacy took more information and said they had to call my insurance company to double check I was approved and then call my doctor for the actual script. Call back in a few days and we will let you know what is going on. Call back, still no answer from doc on script. This was Friday, two and a half weeks later I am still waiting. It's fine like I said I've learned to be patient. The worst part is the whole time thoughts running in and out of my head like, "Is this a sign I shouldn't be going on this drug?" "Do I really want to do this I mean really I can keep going on and off prednisone for the rest of my life when I flare." "The cost oh my gosh what is the insurance going to cover?" "Is the company really going to help pay for this like they said they are?" "We can't afford treatments like this." "I don't work to contribute so more money going out the door for medicine." On and on and on. I don't think the thoughts have stopped much since I decided to try this new drug. On the flip side I'm trying to keep the voice of my doctor telling me this will be it, the treatment that will make it better, with that I think it will be worth it. I'm pretty sure to most people all of this is not a big deal. It's hard to express how it is when it takes every ounce of energy you have to survive on a daily basis. I don't want to deal with this. Illness is a full time job in itself and dealing with simple little things like this wear on you physically and emotionally. I'm pretty sure this all contributes to the, "I don't care," attitude I've been dealing with lately. I constantly have the inner battle going on between giving up and fighting tooth and nail. When I look around me, in the end, I realize giving up is not an option. Fight I will. I might be tired but I'm not dead. I'm here for a reason even on the days I can't figure out why, which is most. When I think I can't do it anymore I realize I can. Life is different for me now. I've learned how to take it for what it is, at least right now. A bad day means I'm laying low and a good day means I'm doing way more than I should all the while knowing I'll pay for it later. I realize now it's all up to me. Even though have support this is my illness and no one else's. I'm the one whose understands it to the best of my ability. It's all in my decisions. I'll keep fighting While I'm waiting.