I don't run to my blog as much as I use to. I'd like to think it's because I am doing so well so there is no need to come here to write all my woes for the world to see. It's not. Mainly I think it is because I am so drop dead tired that the thought of processing enough words to explain what is going on is too overwhelming and exhausting in itself. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this fatigue is something I am going to have to deal with, forever. That sure isn't very easy to accept and move on with.
My last appointment with my rheumatologist made that reality a little more real for me. My doctor told me that every patient has a fatigue baseline. Putting it in terms I can understand; this is it darling. You're at your baseline. Surly not the words I wanted to hear when he told me at my appointment before that the new medicine I am on may help with the fatigue. Of course I would be one of the lucky ones who gets no fatigue relief. Honestly, I can handle the pain but the fatigue is too much. I'm working on the acceptance of this. In the meantime it makes me very anxious and depressed. I try not to let this disease do that to me but I am human and there are the times I get knocked down just like the rest of the world when things don't go according to "My" plan. "My" plan, Ha. "My" plan is the joke in it all. "My" plan never works. If it did I would be cured by now. I try to do most things right on most days, no ones perfect. We all know that part is impossible. Although I do have a few friends who remind I am perfect, joking of course. Their laughter is what helps me keep it together.
Then there are the times I think that my own thinking is what brings me down. Always trying to be the best at everything only to be let down when I can't be. One example would be exercise. I have started walking more because we all know exercise is the cure to everything. Ha on that too. The only problem is I can go out for a walk with the mentality I am going to go for that thirty minute walk and after ten minutes I am weak or I can't breathe. Those are the times the fatigue and beating myself up hit hard. Wanting in my head to do it but my body pulling me down and making me go back in to rest. The acceptance that I am not like I use to be. It's funny how after years of this you would think it would get easier to accept that I can't do what I use to do. It only seems tougher to handle the longer times goes on. I almost feel like I am getting numb from trying to understand it all. I think when you deal with chronic conditions your brain overthinks everything. The why's, the how's, the reason's, the everything. Trying to shut it off is impossible because your body is always reminding you it's there. There are days it speaks louder than others but it's always there. I wish I could have the magic answers but they never seem to come. I'm sure this is something all of us deal with in our daily living whether it is medical issues or other issues we are slammed down with. The only thing I can do for myself is to continue to keep doing better. When I am home I do all things I like to do mixed in with a little housework here and there. On good days it's helping someone who needs help load their groceries in their car. Or a big smile for the McDonald's worker who hands me my luscious coffee as I have drool rolling down the sides of my mouth. Smiles are contagious you know because you'll always get one back, try it. I chose to always make it something for someone else. It helps take the focus off me and lifts my spirits knowing I can help someone when I can't help myself. I'm pretty sure the real world doesn't think like this because everyone is so busy. Maybe that's the force that drives me when I'm out there. Thankful I don't have to live that life even if illness has taken it from me. I feel so much more hyper sensitive to the negativity that goes on in the world. Maybe that comes from the loneliness I feel in this illness. The part where no one will understand. All I know is I will not allow the bitterness and anger in the outside world to eat me up. Keep pushing on to do better for others even when I won't gain a thing from it. Pushing on with the Same ol' same ol' life and doing the best I can with what I have been given. I wish the same for you.