Who's to Blame

Human nature sure likes to trick our minds into thinking everything that happens to us has to have a reason or an answer. Think about it, everything that happens to us that we don't like or agree with instantly puts us into the mode of blame. It has to be someone or something's fault. Life should be good and always happy according to our standards.

Last night was a rough night for me as far as pain goes. I started wearing my fitbit during the day to push myself to walk more and to stay more active. Keep moving according to doctors which is so easy for them to say. I'm doing it. A few nights ago I decided to start wearing it to bed to see my sleep patterns and map out in my head if they are as bad as I think they are on the nights I toss and turn in pain. Last night it said I was awake and restless a total of thirty seven minutes. When I looked at it this morning I thought to myself that isn't so bad but when I think back on the night I feel like I want to yell at the fitbit and tell it something is wrong with those readings because I was awake a lot more than that. After all I have to blame someone so why not the fitbit, stupid thing anyway. I pulled myself back together and realized sleep deprivations makes me cranky.

I had Mya overnight for a few nights and after I dropped her off I heard a song from quite a few years back by Sara Evans called A Little Bit Stronger. Like most songs it's about heartache and a break up I listened to the distant words and each one came back as I tried to sing with my scratchy crap voice that has withered away over the years. I thought to myself this could apply to being sick everyday of your life.

A Little Bit Stronger

Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger everyday, every year. I use to blame everything and everyone. I'd get mad when I saw happy people my age able to do whatever they wanted physically. It seemed so unfair as I hardly had energy to go out to dinner with Rich. I use to let that mind game hell consume me, but not anymore. Now I get up and say bring it on bitch. I've gone from crying to Rich about how unfair this is to not caring much, even after a night like last night. If I can'd do something I can't do it, after so many years it becomes your life.The guilt of holding Rich back in life begging him to divorce me so he could have the life he deserves with someone else. When I think back on that and even writing it now it makes me laugh. That's how I know I've come such a long way. If the tables were turned there would be no way in hell I'd leave him if he was the sick one. I've grown that's for sure. I've learned to take the good with the bad, just as everyone else does with their crap.

I have to believe tonight's sleep will be much better than last nights.Its no ones fault. Its the disease. Disease hates us and for some reason wants to devour us. It's still hard but changing my attitude has helped me so much. Doing more things that I love or just sitting and doing nothing but binging on Netflix. Working hard on taking the negative out and putting some positive in. It's not always easy. It's like a full time job in it self but like I always say I will win over this disease today and forever.

Disclaimer: This is today who knows how I feel tomorrow...the story continues. Hang on my friends and keep up the good fight and if you have to blame something or someone, go for it. Just don't let the blame last for too long.

God Bless!

Dianne