Dare I say I love my alone time? Truthfully I never really thought about alone time, ever. I was too busy with my children, church, helping others, running here and running there. Then all those years I waited for my children to grow up passed like the wind and I found myself alone. I didn't mind at first because I missed my children and the laughter and chaos that came along with them. They left the nest and it was hard. Oh believe me it took a while to actually feel the sting and pain of them leaving because I kept busy helping them and others, for awhile at least. Then something funny happened I came to terms with them growing up and me being along a lot, A LOT!
I found that being in pain 24/7 has a funny way of slowing you down real fast. I have been in pain for years but I pushed through it and lived life to its fullest but now that Rich and I are alone I have learned it really is okay for me to sleep in until ten am or lay on the couch at three pm, not that I do it much but I know it is okay. At least until someone wakes me up at ten am with a phone calls and asks if they woke me. It happened this week and I reverted back to the person who felt guilty for relaxing. The person who called understood but for some reason I didn't at that very moment or for the next few hours. It haunted me for a bit that day but then after I processed it I was okay with it. Today I look back and don't care. Caring about stupid stuff wastes the little energy I have to give out so I had to let it go.
When you are chronically ill life changes. Your life is different from everyone else except for those who struggle with being a chronic too, even then there is no way any two people are the same in whatever they deal with. You must learn to do what is right for you, delete the misunderstanding out of your life, and sleep until ten am if need be. I am not a napper and I fight it not to be. If I take a nap I don't sleep at night so it isn't worth it. Once again it works for me maybe not for other chronics. Last night was one of the first times I can remember ever laughing about my chronic pain. Rich was heading downstairs to watch the end of the Tigers game and I said to him, "It is hell living in pain 24/7 my neck hurts this hurts that hurts blah blah blah." Then I laughed. Out loud at that. It never hit me until this moment that I really did laugh outloud. You know you have made progress when....(insert your laugh here) I'm not a complainer so even admitting to Rich I had a rough day was huge for me. You know how it is everyone hates a complainer. What does it solve anyways? Nothing for me. I have enough alone time to hash over ever ache, pain and otherwise.
My point in all of this babble is not to judge me when I sleep until nine or ten when you can't. You envy me because I sleep and live the life everyone dreams of. I envy you because you get to go to a job and be in the world, have friends, go dancing, take exercise classes, etc. I go to a simple restorative yoga class and need a day to recover. I wish I could disburse some of my alone time to the people who need it and would appreciate it. But then there are the times I look around at the world and see people who can't be alone. They think to much if they are alone and they have to deal with hurtful pasts or whatever life has bashed then upside the head with. This makes me sad because I do believe coming to terms with your past makes for a much better future. I always tell Rich we always look ahead, making the hand motions like I am directing an airplane for a landing, and we never look back. We are living in the now not the past. It is over. The words come out and I realize with all my alone time I probably do most of my meditating on the past and do the exact opposite of what I tell him, and others. Strange how we humans always know what is right or what to say to everyone else but seldom take our own advice. Hummm.
I hope you are able to enjoy your alone time. It is a true gift. A gift to yourself and there is nothing wrong with that!
God Bless!
Dianne
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