Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Survival Of The Fittest OR Is It Survivor Of the Sickest?

We all know the television series called Survivor. People dropped off on a remote island, a jungle, or in the middle of no where with nothing but the clothes on their backs. If you have watched the show you know how it goes if not the name pretty much says it all. The player/contestants are struggling to survive for so many days out in the wilderness with no food, no water, and no shelter. They must all find these necessities while they are stranded together with other survivors. In the hopes that they do not kill each other in the process. It seems when I have watched this show there were a few people who really did want to kill each other at some point in the show. It is a funny and strange thing when the pleasures of home are taken away who people turn into especially American's with every luxury at their finger tips these days. Luxuries I often wonder how people afford only to toss them to the wind when they get bored or the next new thing comes out that they must have. All so superficial, to me anyways. Is this really survival?

Last night when I was taking my hot bath I thought about survival, not in the way the real world might think of it, but survival when it comes to chronic illness. Survival. Humm.Your life becomes a game of survival when you are chronically ill. It's not a fun game to play and unlike the players on the television show you can't just up and say I quit or know in the back of your head that this will be over in twenty days. Oh no, there will be no quitting here because just when you think you are doing pretty good wham it all comes back real fast. I happened to get a cold this weekend on top of all else but I can't quit it isn't in the cards for me. I am a survivor just a different kind. As I laid in the bath looking up at the ceiling tiles I began, once again as I do often, ask why. I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth I shouldn't ask why because no answer ever comes, ever. I was actually carrying on a why conversation with myself and when I realized I was talking out loud I began to laugh. I thanked God for giving me my sense of humor but I also wondered how many times a day I have a conversation with myself or God out loud. Good thing dogs and cats can't talk. As usual my survival became humor as it does so often. Like last week when I washed the sheets and it took three different trips upstairs to finish putting them back on. I use to get upset over things like that but now I just chuckle and think whatever. Ah hah moment and maybe one answer to a why.  I know why I could never hold down a job. Minus the illness forcing me to call in sick the sheets on the bed would never get washed, dinner would never get made, etc. The times I get on the floor to play with Eva and have a hard time getting back up, oh the things a person notices when they are ill. The odd ways and crazy sounds you make as you find a way to get your stiff body off the ground. All those little thing most people take for granted are survival for me. They are life. My game. My game I wish I could quit. My game I wish only lasted thirty days. My game I wish I could blame someone else for and just move on after it was all said and done, knowing I would never have to go back again. It doesn't work like that. The survival game of going off my meds in the hope of it all being gone only to find I am much worse and deciding if I should go back on the meds I dread so much. Mornings from hell. Survival. My survival. I make it work even when I don't want to or my body doesn't cooperate. I yell at my body and sometimes it isn't very nice, mostly Hell No! I survive to the best of my ability. I do what I can. It is what it is.

In the end the best part really is the fact that I am competing with no one. The win or loss is all mine. I can't get mad and yell at anyone but me, myself, and I. Think of all those senseless fights on the actual survivor show. For what? In the end only one person wins. In my game I always win and for that I am grateful. I am a survivor!

On I go to survive this day. I hope you can too!

God Bless!


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