I was just thinking about this past week which whirled my mind back to the past oh lets say fifteen to twenty years. Funny how time has a way of flying by so fast that what seems like only a couple of years is in all actuality many more. I was throwing a load of wash in the dryer as these thoughts ran through my head and I wondered why you can't return your illness like you do clothing. I went last week to find a bathing suit that I will more than likely never wear but at least now have just in case. I looked and tried on a few then settled on a couple that I liked but you know how we women are we just have to have another persons opinion especially on things like a bathing suit. Usually I am pretty cut and dry but being conscious of my large frame I decided I would buy them all and take back what the peanut gallery told me was a no go. I knew which one was the right one and yes that is the one it turned out to be but the subconscious was still in control. I am sure mostly because of all the world tells us about being thin. I haven't been watching tv at all the past few months and it feels really good NOT to have all those crap messages being sent to my head. After all I am hard enough on myself when it comes to size. I wish it wasn't so but it is. Back to the bathing suit. I waded up the one I kept and took the pieces back that the peanut gallery made faces about. Returned. It was so nice to decide that those pieces weren't for me and take them back to the store for a full refund with no questions asked. Ah, if only chronic illness could be like that. I don't like it, I don't want it, here take it back. I don't even want any return on my investment since I had no deposit in the first place. I didn't ask for this and I surely wouldn't have paid a penny for it. Although it may be nice to get some what of a return on our investment that we have paid into for this illness and I am not only talking the financial burden it has had on us. That I can save for another entry or if you read past blogs I am sure I have screeched about this before.
The reason I was pondering so hard on this issue of no deposit no return is because of this sore throat. Sore throat you may ask? I had a scope put down my pie hole this past Wednesday because of issues I have dealt with for years having acid reflux, hiatal hernia, swallowing, chocking on food and during sleep, breathing issues at night, bending over the toilet with water draining out of my mouth because I think the acid is eating away so hard it makes my body want to throw up but it just can't. I could go on but I will spare more of the gory details. The scope thing isn't a big deal I have had it many times before. What is the big deal is that I have never received any relief from the other doctors that have performed this procedure for me. I have a new primary doctor who insisted I needed another scope since it had been three years since the last. I somewhat pleaded with her if it was really necessary. I wonder what my face looks like when a doctor tells me I need yet another test. I assume like a first grader who just lost a puppy or one of them whinning when someone takes their candy. I agreed to the test after trying to get out of it at two appointments and now I am glad I did. This new gastro doc stretched my esophagus and took biopsies of the erosions that were present. I feel like my swallowing has improved already and I am hoping when the sore throat subsides it will be even better. I have had a lump in my throat for years from this and that is already feeling better. I haven't choked on food or water since. WooHoo! What a difference it makes to have the best doctors on your side, finally! I wonder what it would be like if you could take back all the years of not so great doctors who didn't believe much you said or disregarded your complaints. Would I have as much damage as I do now if things would have been taking care of long ago? No deposit. No return.
I have to come to some sort of realization that the old sayings, you can't cry over spilled milk and hind sight is always 20/20 are both true but when it comes to your health, you only have one shot. You can't get it back. If something isn't diagnosed right and lingers over the years you can't take an eraser and make it all disappear. It's sad. I wish it could be different not only for me but for others I know who have paid the for consequences of health issues. There is no one to blame so why go there? You have to be in charge. I know all that and I knew I needed more help with this issue for a long time but there are times you want to block it all out and let it go. You get tired of saying the same thing over and over to your doctors you decide to let it go. I didn't want that scope, another test, but I also knew it was time. I don't want to be sick but I am. I don't want others to suffer but they do. You have to learn to go with the flow with all this illness crap. If my new doctor thinks I need something done than I must trust her enough to get it done especially in the hopes that some of my issues can get the proper care they deserve. You can't return that kind of care. I am glad I found her! I will keep her just like I did my new bathing suit!
God Bless!
Dianne
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