I know I have written before about the give and take of living with chronic illness but the other day it hit me straight in the eye and to be truthful I forgot about the give and take and dove in too far that day. It's all fine because it feels good that I have made it to a place where I am able to make plans and not have to always cancel or always think about the fact that I might not be able to do whatever it is we are going to do. Katie and I took the kids to a farm to pick strawberries in the afternoon this past Monday. We had talked about going and when we got up Monday morning I asked her if she wanted to go but they had other plans to go to the library so we decided we would go Tuesday morning instead. You see, when I make plans I usually need to do them earlier in the day because as the day goes on I putz out. I found out from a friend on facebook a farm by our house had nice berries and I also found out it was kid day. Face painting, wagon rides, and other fun stuff going on so I asked Katie around 3:00pm if she and the kids wanted to go. Sure. So we packed up and went. It was hot and I I forgot about the heat wearing me down and making me weak because I was excited for Michigan strawberries. We got to the farm and it was so exciting for the kids. We waited for a few rides and the kids went on one them then we decided to go pick the berries. I knew as I was standing in that heat picking those berries I was in trouble. I could feel it. That was the minute I remembered what doing to much, especially in the hot sun, does to me. I walked down to the berry patch and told myself to just ignore my body and pick the berries. I pushed myself hard but I did it. When we finished I started to walk back down the path, all by myself, as fast as I could which was about as fast as a turtle walking in a race if you know what that might look like. All I could see was the shade that was visible up by the shack where you weigh and pay for the treasures you picked. I took off without even a thought to the fact that I left Katie with three kids in a strawberry patch. How rude I thought after the fact while at the time I didn't feel much remorse for leaving them all behind. Plus she doesn't care anyways like she always says, "I do this all the time it's no big deal." Don't tell that to a grandma because to me it is hard work.
I stood in the shade trying to find myself knowing the kids still wanted to go on a wagon ride. It is funny how things work out because there were free hot dogs and chips and the kids decided to eat before the ride. It helped so much to sit down and rest under the big tent with tables and chairs. The breeze seemed to have picked up as it was going on 5:00pm by now. We finished and fortunately I was able to go on the wagon ride. Just that twenty minute rest helped me conquer what seemed an impossible feat. When we left we found out they are having the same kid day next Monday so we decided we would go back next week too. I asked Katie if we could go earlier in the day so I didn't get knocked out so fast and my energy was still at the high point of the day. Of course we can and we will!
Once again I was reminded of the price we pay as the chronically ill. I was reminded of what chronic illness does to me but most of all as I ponder back it also reminds me what it does to the people who love me. I am fortunate to have a great support system but it is hard to know that family events get centered around what I can and can't do. I hate that part of it the most. Having to abandon my child with her children just to rest. Is that the normal world? I think not. I looked out on the berry patch and became envious. Envious because all those people, young and old, out there picking away not having their body yell, no scream, at them to get to the shade now or sit down now. I wonder what that is like, to not have that happen, I can't remember because it happens in all situations for me. I tried to be normal and seemed like I was when we left but then I was reminded real fast that I'm not. There are so many things I still want to do but out of fear I don't. What a horrendous way to live always having to think of the consequences. Days like that Monday whack me upside the head but they also are good. They make me appreciate things so much more than I probably would if I were normal. Watching the kids was such a joy I appreciated more than I might have if things were different for me, or normal. The price I pay is worth it when I can have a heart filled with love and joy for my family and the time we get to spend together. I feel blessed even in the midst of never knowing when my chronic illness will decide to be in charge and when it does force me down I will not let it hold me there for long. i now know what I have to do to overcome situations like this. I give in and let it win for a minute or two then I tell it to "SUCK IT" and move on! What more are you going to do?
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment