Monday, April 20, 2015

Set Backs- They Move Us Forward

Life is so simple isn't it? I'm not talking in the big realm of things but more in a physical sense. Most of the world gets up, even when they don't want to, has body aches and pains and moves on. Once they are up and around they are able to function on a somewhat normal basis. I dream of being one of those people. Is it possible? I will continue to believe that it is for me and others I know who suffer and for those I don't know.

I had the bright idea to paint the kitchen table and chairs and now wonder what the heck I was thinking. I had been doing okay getting by day to day with the normal, normal for me stuff, but then I painted the table. My neck has decided it didn't like the fact that I tackled such a big project. I did it last Thursday and have been paying dearly ever since. The strange thing about having one part of your body decide to turn on you is that is sets off a whole number of issues along with it. My neck became inflamed which has caused so much more. Why can't it ever be just one thing? Oh ya the autoimmune response. You forget that it is a whole system disease and not just a one thing at a time disease. The worst part for me is when my neck goes out it causes me to live in some kind of a weird head fog. I feel like I am in a bubble almost floating along and not really here. I think my brain becomes so overloaded with the pain it shuts down to some degree. I can hardly talk to anyone because truthfully I really don't want to. It makes it ten times harder to put on the fake "all's good" face when you are not yourself and suffering hence even more exhaustion. This is when I get more down and wonder how I can do this any longer. I know I have to but I really don't care when it is like this. It makes me want to give in and throw in the white towel. I know I can't but it is what it is. I need a few things at the store but the thought of going out is painful to even think about. Driving, walking in to get the stuff, checking out, and driving home will kill me. Hard to believe to a normal person. I know. I understand why too because when I have these setbacks it is hard for even me to understand. Then I look at my house and I know I need to clean but I know I can't, at least not today. I tell myself it's okay and I know all the dirt will wait for me until I can do it. It's okay. It's okay. This chronic illness is just as much a head game as it is a physical game.

Lesson in all of this? Who knows. I think to myself why do you do it to yourself? The table was fine it really didn't need to be painted. I know that but I also deal with the fact that since I don't work or get out much I need to feel accomplished like everyone else does. I can look at my table all done and think to myself I can still do things that the normal world can do. Yes I suffer but the point is I can still do it. No one can take that away from me except me. If I crawl in a hole and never have projects or those little accomplishment then what is the point? Hobbies and mental stimulation keep me going. If I have something to do that helps me feel better in all of this physical pain and it makes life worth moving forward. I think that is called human nature to some degree. I know this set back will pass and I know another one will be right there waiting in the wings but I will not allow them to stop me. I now have six chairs that need to be painted next to match the table but don't you worry none I will get those done too! I hope you can keep pushing on too my friend!

God Bless!

Dianne

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