I Guess It's Real Now

It has been eight weeks since I began treating my arthritis and sjogrens. Again. It has been a hard eight weeks waiting for my body to adjust to the methotrexate. I am not like most people when it comes to drugs. My body doesn't adjust well and I always have the worst side effects possible. This runs in the family so it is not just me. The side effects were the main reason I stopped treatment the last time because they were just to brutal and begin to break me down. I called my doctor Monday to ask if there was another treatment I could try since I know there are more available. He suggested I decrease the dosage and bit and next week at my appointment we will talk about where we will go from there. Tonight is shot night and I am not looking forward to it at all but I will still do it. The treatment is making a difference as far as symptoms. I am getting better days so I am happy for that. 

When it comes to treatment that involves injections you have to dispose of the needles properly which means a sharps box. The health department provides these free of charge. I knew I needed to stop for a sharps box but I have been putting it off for eight weeks and keeping the needles in a another box until I made it to the health department. I knew I needed to go but I really didn't want to. In some odd way doing something as simple as stopping for the box means you are giving into this illness. It is like a mind game in some odd way. Stopping for the box means it's real, it's really happening, again. It's like you lose a little control over the illness and have to admit you need help. It probably doesn't make any sense at all but to me it is so real and honestly I hate it. Just when I think I have accepted this illness crap something as stupid as adding a medication or picking up a sharps box sends me into a tailspin. I have to ground myself and again and remind myself it's okay even if I don't want it to be.

Once again I am back to trying to accept this as my life and coming to terms with the fact that this is what I get for the rest of my days. It isn't easy. I still believe that people think, or at least I did, that illness is all physical but it is so much more. The physical part is the easy part but the head games can be brutal. A stupid sharps box for example. In all honesty I'm glad I finally stopped for the box because now I can move on. The weeks I didn't pick up the box wore on me because I knew I had to. But now that I picked up the box and have it here it is over. I did it. Good for me! It makes it easier once you face things instead of always putting them on the shelf. If we deal we can move on. So now I can check that off my mental list and begin to realize and accept its okay to be back on the drugs. Moving on is the most important part of this reality. I am! I think?

God Bless!

Dianne