My Dark Passenger

One of my favorite shows of all time is a series that ran on Showtime a few years back. Dexter is now running on Netflix and I have watched all eight seasons more than once. It's one of those shows I just can't get enough of. If you have never watched or heard of it the show is about a serial killer who works as a blood splatter specialist for Miami Metro. He has a code and only kills those who have killed others which for some odd reason makes his killing okay in my head. Dexter calls his need to kill his dark passenger because the need is always there following him everywhere he goes. Last week I finished watching all eight seasons once again which got me thinking about not only Dexters dark passenger but also about mine. The more I thought about it I realized I have a dark passenger too. Granted my dark passenger is not one that wants to kill but one that affects every aspect of my life. My chronic illness is my dark passenger. There is no escape from my dark passenger because it follows me everywhere. It's funny because I always look forward to going to bed, the time of day I take a few meds to help me sleep in hopes that I will be able to escape all my body puts me through. The funny part is the escape rarely happens as sleep is never easy so I wonder if it is just the idea of the escape. There is no escape from a dark passenger.

The other day I had another huge breakthrough as I was slapped in the face with the reality that my dark passenger makes me really angry at times. Since I went back on meds again the mind games have been brutal. The symptom control is improving but the thought process of being back on drugs is stressful for some reason. It's strange how going on a treatment plan makes you feel weak in an odd sort of way. When you are a strong willed stubborn person it is hard to admit you need the help. I feel like I am right back at the beginning nine years ago. My anger and denial are running strong which also leads me to realize when I get mad I blame other people who shouldn't be blamed. Rich for one. I know I have been short with him and so mad about the drugs that he gets the blame. Last weekend when I realized this I apologized and pulled back and told myself I must work on this. It's odd how it is so easy to blame the ones we love the most for the things they have no control over. It's odd how I define myself as bitchy but he says he doesn't really notice. The ah hah is that I have to go inward and take the blame and work on the acceptance once again. I truly thought I was there but I guess not. I wonder if I ever will be totally excepting. All I know is being aware of where I am now will help lead me into the future. I don't think there is much more to say about that except the old saying of one day at a time or as I like to say one minute at a time.

Illness is not only a physical and mental job but it is a inward job, a soul job, your being, and your well being. Working on the unknown is the hardest part but then many other people deal with this on so many levels too. In one way or another we all have a dark passenger we have to deal with. The biggest part is realizing you have the dark passenger and working on walking side by side and not against it is huge. How do you do that? If you know let me know and when I figure it out I'll let you know. In the meantime we press on, hope, and do the best we can with our dark passenger.

God Bless!

Dianne