I realized the anxiety started when I received a phone call from my new Rheumatologist a few weeks ago. Don't get me wrong when I hung up the phone I was glad I got the call but as soon as the gladness came it disappeared. Why? The appointment is three months away. I'm sure most people think what's the big deal? I would probably think the same thing If I was reading this and it was someone else writing. Problem is it isn't someone else it is me. We all know nothing is a big deal if it isn't happening to us. Which is sad to me but that is the way life is. Before when I was stabilized on my medications I was seeing my Rheumatologist every three months and when I continued on the same level of symptom control it was bumped up to six months. That first time my doc told me we could wait six months for the next appointment felt like Christmas for me. Like I was handed the best gift ever. Now waiting three months for an appointment seems like an eternity. I was seeing my last new Rheumetologist every month trying to get stabilized on this new medication which hasn't been easy at all. I continue to struggle with side effects that make it hard for me to leave the house. I wake up everyday telling myself today will be the day I feel better only to realize that maybe today isn't the day. All I want is a half way normal life and wonder if that is too much to ask? The stress of a new doctor for me is horrifying. I just lost my fairly new Rheumetologist and we clicked well. I don't know what else to say. I don't have a lot of faith in too many doctors. I have been treated badly by quite a few so meeting a new doctor and getting him on board with all I deal with is nothing less than sheer terror. How crazy does that sound? I mean really it's just a doctor appointment. True but for me it is like preparing for a life changing exam. I have to prepare for days. There is so much to write down and remember to tell the new doc that it becomes overwhelming. I put it off as long as I can because in some odd sort of way if I put it off it will all go away. It doesn't and I realize this is such a silly way to think. It has to be some sort of coping mechanism or just the way my brain wraps itself around all of this. On the blessed side I have an appointment!
My anxiety definelty got the best of me yesterday but today I thought to myself, SHUT UP! Every time an anxious thought comes to my mind I replace it with a good thought or a blessing in disguise. I went for a walk this morning and enjoyed nature. I played with my puppies and that always makes everything better. I'm going to do something's around the house and I am thankful for the little bit of energy I am blessed with today to do that. I'm looking forward to a weekend with Rich to get ready for deer hunting season and playing together in the woods. I realize with all my illness anxiety there is so much more goodness I am blessed with. If this is as good as it gets for me I am happy with it. Could it be better? Of course. I'm sure no matter how blessed someone is they can always say or think things could be better. It's the way we think as human beings. Life isn't perfect for anyone whether they deal with a chronic illness or not. In the end it is all in the way we handle it. Good days. Bad days. Days somewhere in the middle. We take what we get and do the best we can. We are blessed!
God Bless!
Dianne
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