Tuesday, September 8, 2015

That's the Way it Is

Celine Dion has a song called, That's The Way It Is. There are so many times that chorus runs through my head almost like there is a tape player running over and over in my mind. Today was another one of those days I heard the tape. To be truthful that choirs has run through my head many times over the past three weeks and two day. Yes, I do have a mental time calendar that keeps track of the bad days when they hit. Funny how that happens when you struggle with being ill. My motto has been for years, it is what it is, and that could quite possibly be where the Celine Dion replay came into play but I'm not sure. Over the past three weeks I have had some okay days scattered in with the not so good and I tried to take advantage of them. The weird part is that when I don't feel so great if I am home I am at some sort of peace. I know if I get sick I can sit and relax and that brings some odd sort of comfort to me. It's usually not until I leave the house that I realize how awful a day can be. I'm sure if that sounds really odd but for me it is real. Last night it seemed like all of the sudden a switch got turned on and I became weak and tired. I woke up this morning feeling the same way I felt when I went to bed but it couldn't be so because I had a plan for today. I was going to get back to my swimming class and get back to "my normal." I forced myself physically along with the self talk to get ready. I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, put on my bathing suit, packed my bag, grabbed my small grocery list, and headed out the door. All the time using my self talk, "You can do this." I hit the road running with my Cheap Trick CD in the CD player. Telling myself once again, "You can do this!" I had the plan, stop at the store first because I knew I would be weaker after class. Feeling weak I changed my plan, go to swim and if there is enough energy left stop at the store. You see, that's how it is for us chronic's we are forced to change our plans on a dime. I got a few more miles down the road and began the war in my head, asking myself if I really thought I could handle an hour of swimming as weak as I am today. I knew the answer before I even left the house this morning but it was like I had to prove something to myself for the bazillionth time.  Back and forth mind games forced me to admit the swimming wasn't happening for today but there is always Thrusday. I'll go Thursday! I had already passed the store but when I made the decision swimming wasn't happening today I pulled in a parking lot and swung the car around. A sad moment for me but also a real moment for me because that's the way it is. I got back on the road felling okay with my decision as I knew if I over did it I would pay even more dearly. I also felt I needed to make the store stop. I really need groceries but the few things I ended up getting would have to do for today because that's the way it is. I cut up tomatoes and peppers yesterday to make more salsa and here I am home doing that, so for me this is a successful day! I am accomplishing something. The ability to stop and rest as needed being in the comfort of my own home helps tons. I don't think the swimming group would understand if after fifteen or twenty minutes I got out and told them I needed a break. The last time I went I ended up leaving twenty minutes early and that felt odd especially since everyone in the group is at least twenty years older than me. Try to deal with shit like that in your head. I continue to tell myself the important thing was I went for forty minutes.  Focus on the positives!  Who cares if I missed twenty I made it there.
It's hard when you are ill because the production to just get there and get home takes a lot of energy but that's the way it is. Mentally trying to accept that's the way it is can be a challenge in itself. I personally try my hardest to always look at what I did do instead of what I couldn't do. it's not easy but the my cheerleader and the one who understands it most, Rich, will boost me up and say things like, "Wow you made more salsa that's awesome!" He always help me to realize I am way to hard on myself when I expect too much by trying to keep up with everyone else my age. He helps me realize and understand it isn't possible and that's the way it is. 

I sure do hope that no matter what you are dealing with in your life you are able to say to yourself, That's the way it is!" In the end it really is true. We do the best we can with what we have been given or maybe with what we have been not given. A crappy body that attacks us every minute? Bring it on! We have to believe we are not alone. We have to believe what we are each dealing with is real and it is our own personal fight no matter what the world might say. I really despise when someone says, "We have to remember someone else always has it worse off." It makes me feel like what I deal with is trivial, it isn't. It's my fight and it sucks and it's not easy. I believe that phrase makes them feel better because it sure doesn't make me feel better. So here's to all my chronic illness sufferers and those who love and support us, "Thats the way it is," and we will keep fighting no matter what!

God Bless!

Dianne

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