It is the times like these that the harsh reality of my illness hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality of my life comes crashing down full speed. I become angry and bitter and quite honestly mad at this illness crap. In my head I stomp my feet like a two year old having a tantrum when they don't get what they want. I don't understand how unfair all of this is. Rich took the day off yesterday so we could go to Artprize. All week he kept saying, "We will do however much you can handle." Like I have mentioned before when I go to events like this or any social event for that matter it isn't about just planning what time we will go and where we will go after. For me it is like Rich said, "Whatever you can handle." All week in the back of my head I was going to handle it well. I psyched myself out with the constant thought of spending the afternoon there. I was going to last and try to see as much as possible. Then reality hit yesterday when we got there. Don't get me wrong I was still hopeful I would make it for a better part of the afternoon, my hopes were high. We started out at the Amway Grand Hotel and Devos Hall which I was told by my parents to make sure and see. These two venues are quite large so it took a while to walk through it all, so it seemed. We decided to go during the week because we figured the crowds would be smaller but that was a pipe dream. It was crowded so it was hard to take any significant amount of time at the pieces that you needed more time to absorb and admire the artistry. There were many pieces that needed the time believe me. By the time we were done with those two venues I was done. In fact I gave into the fact that there was no way I could do much more. We decided to walk down to the Bob which is a large building with many restaurants in it. It has a large parking lot area by it that is usually filled with the larger art pieces. We walked the few blocks to get there to find nothing was there. I remember looking at Rich and saying, "Are you kidding me?" The real world would think oh well let's go somewhere else, the chronically ill think I just walked two blocks for nothing? Energy used and burned for nothing? It was then and there I knew it was over for me. I asked Rich how far the car was and he told me and then offered to pick me up and told me to wait for him on the corner by the Bob. Of course I would never give into that. If I do illness wins and that is never going to happen. We started making our way to the car, got to the elevators in the parking garage, made it to the car and jumped in. It was 1:15. When I looked at the clock I was sad and shocked. Sad because of the fact we got there at 11:30. Do the math. It felt like hours to my body. After I ran the time through my head and did my own math I told Rich, "I am pathetic, not even two hours and I'm done." Of course he said something about it being fine and that I did good but truthfully I can't remember exactly what he said because I was still beating myself up over not even lasting two hours. These are the times no one could understand what it's like living with chronic illness, especially me.
We had plans to find a place to buy some apples and headed on to our next destination. I decided I had to leave all my sadness and odd sort of guilt behind. Move on and quit analyzing it all. I made it to Artprize. Yay! I haven't been there the last two years so this was progress! We talked about making another trip down there. We figured if we find places that have many pieces to see there wouldn't be quite as much walking. We have the map now and will be able to map out a plan. We talked about a few of the pieces we really liked which put that hope I like to hang onto back in my heart. Take that chronic illness you will never bring me down so bring it on! Until we meet again Artprize!
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment