Underground World

When I think of the underground world I picture people living their lives outside the lines. Thoughts of illegal activities going on and people running away from what is suppose to be the gold standard of life. The rules are flushed down the toilet and I wonder if the people who live in this made up underground life ever feel guilty or scared. Would an underground way of life make life easier or harder? Why in the world would I think like this? I'm sure it sounds like I am cray cray, I might be a little, but in all actuality I am more sane than most. I over think everything and wonder about how people act and treat one another all the time. Human behavior intrigues me. My thoughts go deeper than the rest of the world when I have encounters with others. The main reason my thoughts went to an underground world is because of a trigger. I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I left feeling very odd about. The appointment went ok but it left me comparing it to the last appointment I had with this doctor. See, this is where my encounters with others goes deep. I can never let my meetings with even my doctors appointments be just about that one appointment. I have to go deeper and compare how the last appointment went or the one before that went. I can never understand people who treat you differently every time you see them. True colors come out when you compare your encounters. After I left the appointment and for the rest of the day the underground world came to mind. The underground world I was dreaming about went something like this. It actually turned into a what if underground world. What if there was an underground medical world? A place you could meet a doctor that truly cared and just didn't want to pass you though the door so they could move on. A place where you could get straight answers to all your questions and have your issues taken seriously. To be fair I know doctors are busy and I don't expect much but it would be nice to leave feeling like I am armed with a plan so to say.  I wonder if the underground medical world could solve this? I wonder why I see doctors at times. True colors showed through when I was left with no Rheumetologist for a few months. No one takes it seriously when you are sick. It felt like oh well sorry you don't have a Rheumetologist but deal with it on your own oh but call if you have issues. Then you call and no one wants to help you. I get more frustrated when I see or hear advertisements on tv or radio about how every health care system tries to convince you they are there for you and they have the best care. I do believe this is true if you are dying but in the real world of chronic illness I wonder. I guess this whole entry is about my frustrations. Although I try to stay positive as I live through this hell there are times I get very discouraged and want it all to end. I know it will someday and for the time being I have to pull myself back into reality and out of the underground world. I have to hold onto to hope that the next appointment I will leave feeling more heard. As a patient my hope would be that doctors would take the chronically ill more serious. It seems at times we are looked upon as complainers when we aren't because we are truly suffering. My main issues yesterday was my feet. The conclusion was it it just the Raynauds so in other words live with the symptoms. Keep your feet as warm as possible. That's that. I read some more on Raynauds and now I can see this is what my problem is and I will do what I can to help it although this is one of those deal with it and basically there is nothing we can do for you. See you in eight weeks. To me I leave and in my head all I hear is I have to live with this for the rest of my life? It can bring you down. It wasn't what I wanted to hear at all. I'm tired of fighting with my body on a daily basis. I'm tired of just being a number in the medical world. When I get like this I have to pull my head out of my ass and get busy doing things that keep my mind off the pain and frustration. Today I'm going to be getting food ready for the weekend because Richie and Leah are coming for a visit. I'll crank up the jams or watch some Netflix. I'll work hard on putting yesterday behind me and come to terms with the fact that it probably wasnt the doctor or medical world at all. It is all me. Me wanting to escape to the underground world where no suffering existed. Ahhh what a thought. I believe the underworld fantasy will bring me to some sort of peace today and for that I am grateful. Keep pushing on!

God Bless!

Dianne