Friday, February 12, 2016

Give Me A Box

Want, want, want. Watch television and the message is clear, if you buy this you will have the best life ever. There are so many times I watch commercials or tv shows and sort of laugh out loud or snicker under my breath. The older I get I realize it even more that things don't make life worth living. These days when I think of the things I want my list isn't very long at all. Simple things that make life more comfortable come to mind. Truthfully I just don't care about stuff anymore. Yesterday I had a rough day due to lack of sleep which was caused by pain. It seems when the temp falls below thirty here my pain get much worse. The day after the nights with no sleep are both physically and emotionally exhausting. I get down in the dumps and negative on those days. It's a struggle. The isolation becomes real on days like, that. Illness isolation that no one could possibly understand as I only ponder on what my life would be like if I only felt better. The worst part is realizing that it may never happen.
I thought about wants and what I want and I decided I want a big empty box. An empty box? You might wonder why in the world someone would want an empty box. You know how it is when you clean out your closet or home and put all your unused cloths or stuff you don't use in a box and take it to a donation center? I'm sure you do because we have all done it. The freeing feeling after you drop off all that crap. Feels good doesn't it? I loved that feeling when we moved and gave away stuff that was unused. The satisfaction I got knowing someone else would use it brought me such joy. It brought me back to that reality of the stuff we buy that we think we need but really don't. I remember wondering how we collected so much stuff.
Back to my empty box. I thought about how nice it would be to take the layers of illness off and throw them into that empty box. The first thing I would throw in there faster than a basketball in a slam dunk is my fatigue. The unexplainable exhaustion no one could ever understand that comes from being ill. The next thing going in that box would be the pain, swish! Bye bye pain. I know at my age pain is enevitable. It's a part of life but my pain is not your usual I'm fifty three pain. There are many other symptoms I won't bore you with that I would run down the hall with and shoot into that box. Then there is all the head games I play with myself about being ill that would get thrown in for good measure. One thing I know for sure once I had all my crap in there I'd glue and tape that box so tight no air would be able to get in and none of my crap would seep out and come back. Then I'm heading out to the fire pit and burning that bitch. Ah to dream...if it was all that easy. It's not. It's a constant struggle even on better days because on those days even as you try not to in the back of your mind you wonder how tonight, tomorrow, or the next day will be. It's impossible to shut it off no matter how hard you fight it.  Per my usual you know I'm going to stop the complaining and bring on the positive spin. As hard as it is on certain days I still live. I press on and continue to tell myself tomorrow will be better and usually it is. Keep your head up my fellow sickos. If I can do it you can too. If not open that empty box and start throwing your junk in it, hopefully it will make you feel a little better or make you chuckle a little bit. Hang onto the hope my friend!

God Bless!


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