Thursday, February 4, 2016

What I Can't Do

The past couple of months have been a struggle as I added another unwanted diagnosis to my list. I've  been laying low trying to figure it all out and sort out what is going on while trying to keep going. It hasn't been easy mentally or physically. Being a creature of habit my head always goes to the future and what lays ahead. You know how it is when you want to control everything and when you can't it has a tendency to make you anxious. At least until you get to the point where you give up the power and realize it isn't in your hands. I always think to myself God has an odd sense of humor in my chronic illness journey. I know he isn't cursing me because of His love for me but my human nature makes me wonder. I picture him up there giggling at me every time I have a new issue to deal. I wonder if under his giggling breath he is saying, "Let's see what she does with this." Snicker, snicker, snicker. Don't worry I know God doesn't work like that but getting to a place of acceptance in another diagnosis requires some mind games. I'm pretty sure the answers lay ahead and are out there somewhere for me to discover.

Yesterday I met a new doctor for my breathing issues and needless to say I was a nervous wreck. My blood pressure was up which was no surprise. I always freak in the days before meeting a new doctor. I was relieved when he came in and was a nice man. He brought up that my bp was a little high and I told him it was because I had to meet a new doc. He smirked but also made me feel better by telling me he couldn't tell I was nervous. I'm so use to my past experiences with the doctors making smart unexceptable remarks to me that I guess I somehow expect it now from every doctor. This is so sad to me when I think about it. I like how he told me he was taking over my care and would be treating me for my breathing issues from now on. Class act doctor! I am so relieved to have a few of these now. 

Last night I felt like a new person. The appointment was over and my anxiety was better. I slept much better without having that appointment weighing heavy on my heart. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous but for me it is too real. Today I have been thinking about how I do that to myself so often, making mountains out of mole hills. I'm a master. My negative thinking the past few months had me focusing on all the things I can't do. A new diagnosis can do that to you. I had a toxic attitude and as we all know that always makes everything worse. It's like that good guy on one shoulder and the bad guy on the other each talking in my ears. The more negative thoughts I allowed to enter in my ear the more i begin to believe them. I have been focusing too much on the things I can't do instead of focusing on the things I can. I'm not even going to list all the things I can't do and start to focus on the things I can. This morning I started listing the things I can do I began to realize I am able to do more than I give myself credit for. Ya, I can't do some of the things I use to but I can still do a lot. It might look a little different now but I can still do them. When I focus on what I can and can't do for some reason I always make it physical. This morning I started to realize it is so much more than physical. My list grew. I thought about how I day dream. I am always daydreaming about the next time I get to see the kids grandkids. I dream of the day new grand babies are born. I dream about Richie and Leah moving closer so we can see them more. Daydreaming is so good for me. It lifts me up on so many days. I laugh. I laugh at myself a lot, at my dogs, about things that have happened in the past, about my son who is the funniest person I have ever known besides Rich. I love to laugh. Pretty sure if I couldn't laugh life would be over for me. Our family is constantly making fun of each other in some odd sort of way but it is what makes us, us. I enjoy the little things like cooking, eating, sex, love, my dogs. Yup my dogs again. I love to color in my coloring books it is so therapeutic for me. My blog. Yes this blog has helped me beyond words. Every time I struggle I am so thankful I can come here and slap all my struggles down. The writing process also helps me with the mental process and for that I am very thankful. I love cooking and more importantly eating. I think my love for cooking comes and goes more now than it use to because there are days I just don't have the energy but when I do it I still enjoy it. I can still keep my house clean. It might not all be on the same day but I can still do it. I love to walk in the woods and am thankful I can still do that. My list could go on on and on. I think you can get the point of this. I believe the world makes us feel like what we do is never enough. We have to stop listening to all the messages out there that bring us down and make us feel like we are never good enough. This is such bull. Be happy where you are at even when it doesn't compare to others or to the rest of the world. Who cares. You have to make your own happiness. 

I realize in the end that it isn't at all about what I can't do but what I can do. It's in all the little things because all those little things add up to a lot of goodness. Goodness for my heart, soul, mind, and for other people who's lives I touch. Those little things are my life, my life while living with chronic illness, but my life none the less. Realize what you can do and press on my friends no matter where you are at!

God Bless!


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