I feel, at times, like the chronic illness wants me to believe that it is the boss and it's odd how the illness can become an actual voice in my head. The arguments I have with it can be exhausting. The words I say to it I am unable to write here. Even though it is true that the chronic illness controls a lot I will never fully allow it to be in the drivers seat. I will continue to pay the price and prove to it that I win, as I did this weekend. This weekend proves to me that I am still normal and that there is so much life out there. I realized it after the graduation as I we walked to the restaurant for dinner. There was so much life on the streets as we walked. Passing all the people who have normal lives wondering how it must be to do all the normal things the rest of the world does. Oddly I didn't feel jealous or sad for myself but happy for every one I passed by or saw in the distance. It made me happy they didn't have to always be one step ahead of their illness. Happy they'd could enjoy the city life they all take for granted. The hardest part for me is knowing I am different but still looking like everyone else on the outside, at least to everyone else. Every time I look in the mirror I wonder who the person is looking back at me. I go as fast as I can getting my hair done and doing my makeup because looking at myself is painful. It makes me remember who I was and the dream I have of becoming her again. I'll never lose that hope no matter how bad this is. I'm sure my emotions are running high because I had to make an unexpected appointment with my polmunologist because of symptoms and when I have doctor appointment it's very hard on me emotionally. It's another one of the hardest parts of illness. I have to fight the urge to let the illness win but before seeing doctors I still worry. I've learned even though the illness won't win its still ok to admit it isn't easy. I've learned I'm in charge but that doesn't mean the unknown of the future isn't a little scary. I've learned I'm stronger than I ever thought possible while at the same time knowing I'm a little weaker than I ever thought I could be. I've learned that sometimes some of the hardest parts of being ill become the parts that make me the strongest and for that I am grateful.