You Know You're A Sicko When...

You know you're a sicko when...you have no idea what you are doing.

Seriously, I am so confused when it comes to my asthma/copd diagnosis. It's all so new and it messes with my head to the point of where it may explode. Frustrating and stressful both at the same time. I know that's how it is for everyone dealing with chronic illness but when a new diagnosis hits it take a lot of time to figure it all out. I've learned to live with the other illnesses I deal with because most of them I have been around for years but this breathing stuff confuses me. The biggest confusion for me is when to call the doctor. I know they say when in doubt call but when you call too much it sets you up and puts you in the category of, "Oh it's her again." I know the doctors I have now are not like that but past experience has set me up for this way of thinking. Sad. I also believe the longer you are ill you avoid the call even more not only because of the labels, made up in your head, but because the last thing you want to deal with is another thing. You know how we humans think, if you avoid it then it isn't happening. The past few nights have been rough with my breathing. There is nothing worse than waking up wheezing, rattling, crushing headaches and feeling like there is a ten pound boulder sitting on the middle of your chest. 

Thank God for inhalers. Today I had to clean them, hence the picture, which hit me with the reality that this IS really happening and IS something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life whether I want to or not. I also looked at my three inhalers next to each other and thought I have to accept this. The reality of the three inhalers, one on my nightstand, one in my purse, and one in my sunroom is real. I can't run from it even though I want to. Learning that every time I have to do anything physical I need to puff. Learning that when I wake up in the middle of the night and am having a hard time breathing, puff. Learning that some days I need the extra puff to make it through is ok. I try to put it off when I have an attack because if I puff I'm giving into the reality of this new diagnosis. Looking at those inhalers after I cleaned them helped me realize I must accept that it is ok. The acceptance that the fatigue is ok and it is ok to give into it. The acceptance that it's ok to call the doctor even if it is to just let them know what is going on. Ok that's a lie I'll probably give it another week because when you are chronically ill you always believe that tomorrow will be better. I think that is called hope.

You know you're a sicko when...you become strong enough to accept all that is happening to you and learning it's ok to be where you are. Trying not to look back at who you use to be but learning to love and embrace who you are now, from this day forward. Easier said than done but doable. 

We aren't just chronically ill we are chronically fabulous! We can't allow being ill to eat us alive. Keep up the good fight!

God Bless! 

Dianne