Tuesday, November 1, 2016
I Don't Care
I haven't been on my blog for quite some time now. I didn't realize how long its actually been until I decided I needed to write this morning and signed into my site. I have wanted to come here on many days over the past few months but the, 'I don't really care,' mode is in full swing for me right now. I feel like I don't care about much except the things that I absolutely have to care about and the few things I want to care about. Thinking about the reasons why I don't care has somewhat consumed my train of thought many times over the past month or so. I think I finally came to the conclusion that it is the fact that ever since I was given the asthma/copd diagnosis a year ago I am unable to accept it. I mean really, it took me like ten years to finally accept the sjogrens/arthritis and then it was like wham, if you think you accepted that well here's this bitch. I was angry at first, now it's just there hanging around waiting for me to learn to accept that diagnosis. I think I'm still mad but when I think about it it's the I don't care. I'm so tired. Exhausted to be completely truthful. I know we all are exhausted but this is a different exhausted. My exhaustion is some sort of odd survival that is hard to write about. Confused? Maybe. Ready to give up? Maybe, so unlike me. Alone? Most certainly. I'm still living life on the sidelines in which my realization is that this IS forever. It's mind boggling to say the least. How do you explain something that doesn't make any sense at all? Does anyone know? I know we all struggle in so many different ways and how we handle our struggles are personal. Do we let people in or is it easier to hold our personal struggles close to our own heart. It seems so much easier these days to hold it in because, at least to me, the real world is so busy. Who wants to hear about the sick struggling girl who doesn't have the energy to care anymore? No one I'm sure. When you are ill you look around for support groups and maybe have tried one or two only to learn that most the people who go to those are looking to latch on to someone who can listen to their problems and make them better. I always thought of a support group should be like a friendship, the give and take side. You talk and I'll listen but then when I want or need to talk you listen to me and don't turn it around on you again. We can never learn from ourselves if we aren't given the time to absorb what just came out of our mouths. Support groups are not the answer for me. I think it would be easier knowing I'm not alone in my world where I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I don't know the answer but I'll keep working on it and keep the hope close by my side. I will get an answer and pull myself out of this pit I'm sure.
Today I have yet another doctors appointment. Yay, can't wait. OLD, it gets real old real fast. Today is rheumetologist day. I really like him so its not him, it's me. We have been trying a few new medications for the arthritis that is keeping me up at night in hopes of finding one that works. The last two caused severe shortness of breath which I continue to struggle with so today I'm not sure what is going to happen and guess what? I don't care. No surprise there. I am hoping this funk is from the steroids I just tapered off of and I feel better soon. Life will go on whether I, we or you care or not, that's a certainty.
I look back on life and realize it changes constantly but I think it changes even more when you are chronically ill. A never ending roller coaster ride. The important thing is trying to stay grounded while you feel you are being tossed around and around. It's all an inside job that changes who you are to the core. You learn things about yourself you never would have learn if you hadn't become ill. Its all in the fight and holding on to the goodness that surrounds you even when you don't care.