The Lie of Strength

I read this the other day and it resignated with my heart:
"We tell people they are strong when we are uncomfortable with their pain and would prefer that they would shut up and not bother us with it. To say, "but you are strong" is telling someone, "I don't think you should feel that way," and it's not a compliment. I don't think that strength means being invulnerable, or pretending that you are. The belief that silence and stoicism are inherently good qualities is how you end up dressed like a bat punching criminals in an alley - it's not a good road to emotional health.
I think your father has handed you a raw deal and that caused you and your family grief and pain and distress, and all of that stuff is real. You don't owe it to your friends to be the "strong" one. Just because you have always been the good listener and the shoulder to cry on, doesn't mean you have to maintain that role when you need a good listener or a shoulder to cry on.
Be sad. Be angry. Let your heart break - in the diner, on someone's futon, in the park, on the way to the zoo, at brunch, over drinks, in the therapists office, on the bus - wherever it breaks, let it break all the way open, let it run out and down and spread out in a soggy puddle at your feet. Say, I'm sorry, I can't listen to you today, my heart is broken. Will you sit with me a while and I'll tell you about it?"
Your friends may get scared when you do this. If you, the "strong" one can break, what does that say about them? That's why they push back at you and try to remind you and try to remind you of your strength, when what you need is for them to stand by you in your pain and weakness. They don't have to solve that pain,  gthey just have to bear witness to it. Maybe they don't know how - a lot of people don't  know what to do in the face of other people's pain. They want to fix everything, and if they can't fix it they feel inadequate. As the "strong" one you can help them out with this by saying, You don't have to fix it. You don't have to do anything. Just be with me, just listen, and love me, and I'll love you back. That's all I need - to know that you love me, even when sad and scared and don't know  what to do next."
To ask for help is strength.
To admit you don't know is strength.

To tell the truth about what's happening is strength.
To be imperfect and to trust that imperfect people will love you despite imperfections (albeit imperfectly) is strength.
To let people you love see how you really feel  - without trying to hide or stage manage their perception of you - is strength." - from The Lie of Strength.

Wow that sure is a mouthful. I have read this over and over and still struggle with it. I've always been the one there for everyone which in turn has made it extremely hard for me to let people in. I know I am open on my blog but I am complete opposite in real life. I wish I could change this and I am working on it but it isn't easy. It takes a lot of strength for me to write that. Where does strength come from? I wonder about that a lot. I don't have the answer most of the time but for some reason I do have the strength to go on and try to live a somewhat normal life given all the opsticlcles.
There are those who find strength from God or strength in other people or...insert where you find strength here______.  This question can be answered differently by everyone especially those who deal with chronic illness.
I truly believe that my strength comes from a combination of all. God and people for sure but when I really think about it, it is up to me. After all these years I have come to realize it has to be me. I can and do rely on God and people but I am the one who knows how this feels. I'm the one who knows what it's like to get up and force myself to get moving on the days I really don't want to. I'm the one who knows how it is to keep my head directed in the right direction when I want to bury it in the sand. I'm the one in all the suffering who must choose to get up every morning and give the little extra bits of myself to others. Those are the little bits that bring me hope.

The next step in my journey is starting a biologic for my arthritis. Over the past week I have looked back more than I care to and wonder how I got here. I have failed on medications either because the side effects were horrendous or the fact that the treatment didn't help. I'm am nervous and anxious about starting this new and very expensive drug. The what ifs are playing over and over in my head like moments in my life I wish I could delete. On the other hand I am hopeful on starting a drug that according to my Rheumetologist will help get me over the edge and move me to much less pain. I am hoping the side effects don't affect to me. Strength. I need it all the time but especially now. Hanging onto hope as always, are you?

God Bless!

Dianne