The Six Greatest Words for me, at least for today, come from my Pharmacist, "Yes, I can refill that today." You see, being on so many medications and knowing that you may not be able to fill one because the availability is running short can be like playing a game. You must be one step ahead of the game at all times. If you play the game right and refill that one medication to the exact date it is due you are able to bank a few weeks so that if does become unavailable again you will at least have a few more weeks to hold you over until it hopefully will become available.
I hate this, I really do. I will tell you there are not many things I hate, but being the manager of this one woman team which has no other players except oneself, can drive you to bonkersville in a hurry. I mean really, if I had team members I could at at least get advice from my fellow players as to how to continue to keep afloat with all of the round and around that goes on when trying to number one, remember meds and number two, keeping them all refilled. It is exhausting just trying to keep it all straight. Yesterday I forgot to even do my shot and I had it on my mind all day, I kept hearing do your shot, do your shot. Well, guess what? I forgot my shot. My foot has been causing so much pain that my thought process is turned upside down just trying to tell myself the pain isn't that bad and trying to use my mind over matter techniques. No worries, I jabbed myself a few minutes ago so it is all good, I remembered the shot. One good thing about this medication it does have a carry over effect so if you forget to take it, it is still in your system working for you. It is when you have to go weeks without it that it begins to wear you down and leave your system.
My next issue is, how come every time I am able to fill my meds and I hear, "Yes, I can refill that today," I have this sense of guilt. I know I shouldn't, but the human side of me feels like I have a broken, heavy heart. With every refill I think about the people who suffer as I do, if not more, and are unable to either afford the medications or the ones who live in another country who do not have access to any health care. I always wonder why I am so fortunate to have all the goodness I have and why others are not. It is a heavy burden for me to carry and I cannot help it. I also fret and have tremendous anxiety as to when I will not be able to afford all of my medications. What will happen if Rich loses his job or insurance? I struggle with these thoughts because I am human, or maybe I have to much time on my hands to ponder on things that others may just take for granted. All I know is right now I am very grateful to live in a country that has the best health care and a husband who does his best to make sure my medical needs are met. I may complain at times about our systems and rightly so, but I still have a heartfelt humility towards what I have and do not deserve.
I read something that someone wrote and it had to do with the ten things that chronic illness taught them. One of the things went something like this. The writer was talking about being caught in bad weather, like a tornado, or whatever it was. He/She said something to the affect of having to run for his/her life to save it. They said if they had to run for their life they would die. I tell you that has struck me so funny. I thought to myself, wow can I identify with that. Hahaha! I have tendency to think the same when it comes to my meds. If I didn't have them would I be the one left behind with no quality of life what so ever? As for now, me and my team of meds will continue to fight the good fight as long as we are here. It isn't an easy game but we will continue to the finish line until the game is won and hope like hell we never have to actually run for our life.
God Bless!
Dianne
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