I can't help writing this again today as my foot is almost to the level of unbearable pain. The scale of 1-10 in the doctor's office is pushing toward the 10 but no tears so 7 or 8 might be about where it is. Believe me if I am writing that, it is bad. I just don't know what to do anymore. Cry, but that doesn't solve a thing. Go back to the doc, who will tell me what I already know. I am at a loss. I do not want to sit on my butt all day because I will go bonkers especially since I am one who does not like to sit around and do nothing. I putz around all day doing this and that all the while feeling like I never accomplish anything, but busy none the less. I hate to admit it but I think that is what I am going to have to force myself to do, and I mean force myself to do, sit. This is no fun at all. On days like this I wish it would all just go away and if that means death then that is what it means. I know no one gets that but for me it is a true reality. All of this gets old, tiring, and exhausting. It brings you to that point of just wanting it all to end, but it doesn't so I push on.
One of my goals for today is that I will be making salsa. I have tomatoes ready to go and I am not wasting them because of a foot problem or because of chronic illness. If I don't make the salsa the illness wins and that just is not happening! So there take that stupid foot and chronic illness nananananahhhh!! That is how it feels every time I accomplish something, like I win and I just have to make fun of the illness for being the loser. I know that makes no sense to many but to those who suffer you all get it.
I know I continue to write about my foot a lot lately but as I do I am also hoping to prove the same point I always write when I come to my blog. The point that chronic illness never ends. It never goes away. The point that maybe one day it is a pain issue that lasts for only one or two days. The point that sometimes it is an issue that last days, into weeks, into months, such as this foot problem of mine. The point that just when you think it may be getting a little better you awaken only to have it turn into even more of a nightmare by the time evening hits. The point that you can become so frustrated as you do everything right to help the issues get better only to have it become worse. But the biggest and most important point of all. No matter what, no matter how much pain you are in, no matter how bad this problem gets, your mind, heart, and soul are much bigger than the problem could ever become. The point that you must continue to believe that just as fast as the problem gets worse it may become better. Yes, I am writing a lot about my foot, but at the same time I am trying to get a point across about the monster that never leaves you alone, chronic illness.
You cannot allow the illness to rule your life. Yes, there are times, like today, where you have to give in, so to say. You have to rest and allow your injuries to heal. You have to take the time, as hard as it is to do, and just rest. You have to tell yourself it is only today and not think of it in terms of days. Today I will rest so hopefully tomorrow I can do more and have less pain. I don't want to rest. I don't! I hate it when the illness has that upper hand but I also realize if I don't rest today my foot is going to become so bad I might not even be able to walk on it and believe me it is almost there. Standing up and putting any weight on it is excruciating right now, it swollen up like a balloon and telling me to sit down and rest. I will get the ice, sit, and do some crafts, watch some crappy tv, or maybe read some of my books. It will be a low key day but a good one none the less. I will listen to the illness today and allow it to be in charge, but only for a while. It will not win!
I write this not to complain and I surely do not write this for any sympathy. I write this to hopefully give others a glimpse of what it is like living with chronic illness. I am in pain in other areas of my body but the foot pain seems to be the dominate pain lately. It is the pain my brain is trying to fight and it is exhausting. I woke up at 10:00 am this morning not wanting to get out of bed. I could have laid there for another few hours but I thought to myself, No! Get up and get going. Life must go on and life must be lived no matter what pain you are in today or on any given day. It is time to start the day and be happy in what ever I am given. I hope and pray you are able to do the same in whatever you may be facing!
God Bless!
Dianne
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