Back again? This might be the question you are asking yourself as you read this. I have been on here a lot this past week or two trying to make sense out of so many things. up until now the sense I am trying to figure out is my foot. I am in sheer agony. Every step is like a knife digging into my foot shooting into my ankle. It is almost bad enough to bring me to tears but damn it I will not allow a foot make me cry. I think if I did cry it would not only be from the pain but the exhaustion that set in yesterday. Weak, tired, wore down to the core of my physical being. I am thankful I have a good spirit and soul because if I didn't these past few days could have sent me into looney ville.
I had a lot of time to think today, which may or may not be a good thing for me. Rich is helping a friend with his yard so I have been alone for most of the day. Well, except for the pets. I think they are ready to leave to after listening to me mumble, scream, and complain all day. I have stayed off my foot, sat with the remote, my ipod, and did a few crafts, but for some reason those things don't help when you are feeling this ill.
I read something about sleep a few weeks ago and after reading it I had more to dissect. It said that you can sleep longer to catch up on sleep deprivation. If you have ever read anything about sleep that totally cancels out all that has ever been written on sleep. I have always read that if you are not sleeping enough you cannot catch up. Or if you sleep more it gives you extra time to not sleep, kind of like a saving account. I don't think that is what has ever been written either. I hate how all these studies change every month. One time you read this and another time you read that. It is enough to make a person stop reading.
I thought about this concept a lot today. I applied it to my exhaustion. I have been so busy the past few weeks with the wedding it is like it all came to an end yesterday. I woke up weak, the muscle weakness that is unexplainable. You are just limp and don't have the muscle power to do anything. It is a weakness that makes you weaker as you try to figure it all out. Odd as that sounds even as I write it my savings account ran dry. Like I have said many times before chronic illness is hard to write about. It never makes sense even to me at times as I am the one writing all these crazy jumbled words. I wish the savings account thing worked for weakness. It doesn't. You just never know when it is going to creep up on you, but when it does you remember it like it was yesterday.
I wrote earlier that Rich was helping a friend today. The plan was that the friend's wife and I were going to go with the guys and have a nice relaxing day by the lake. Well, guess what? You guessed it, chronic illness won again. I had to cancel. There is no way I would have ever been able to go and visit with them for a whole day. I am pretty sure that makes no sense to you as you read this, but for me and others with chronic illness it is a sad reality. We are fortunate to have good friends who understand and never take it personal when I can't do things. I am thankful for them as I have lost other friends from these monsters I drag around with me on a daily basis.
I am glad my foot is feeling better, if I stay off it, but I am also freaking out with the idea that as soon as I resume my normal activity all the really severe pain will come back. I have iced, put pads on the bottom of my feet, taken meds, bought special socks, wrapped it with an ace bandage, kept it up all day, and now I am scared to death to move. I know that makes no sense either. I know as soon as I get up the knife will jab me. Oh well, it could be a lot worse. I must say for some really odd reason when I come to my blog and blab I always feel better after I do, especially on the days that no one is here to listen to me blab and on the days I am struggling.
I guess that is it for today. I'm not sure if I accomplished anything with this blog but I feel better, I think.