Brain Overload

Here I go again repeating the same thing over and over like I have so many times. I think of the Three Stooges boing myself up side the head saying, you idiot. I should have known something was up yesterday with the way I felt, classic sign blurry vision and droopy eye, who come I didn't put it all together? I kept blaming it on the drugs, which it may well have been, but when I woke up at 4 am the morning with a migraine I thought to myself, AH the answer to yesterday. Seriously? I couldn't figure it out yesterday that, that is what was on the horizon? Every time I have a day like yesterday or an evening where something is off I always wake up with a migraine either in the middle of the night or early morning. This one was no different. I did the usual coffee, excedrin migraine, back to bed with a towel over my eyes and tried to go back to sleep as hard as it is. Five hours in hell.

I laid there thinking, as I usually do, because when you are in that much pain all you can do is think, sleep is impossible. You would think as hard as it knocks you down that you would sleep but it seems your brain is on overload mode. The longer I laid there the more I thought about it. I have said before my migraines put on a fascinating light show for some reason. I have taken all precautions for when one strikes. I had Rich put up a shade, a dark wooden blind, and dark maroon curtains to keep the light out of our room for the days the migraines strike. I also lay there with a dark washcloth over my eyes but as crazy as it sounds I feel like I am in a room full of spot lights pointing directly in my eyes while an ice pick chips away at my brain behind my eyes, sometimes one eye, sometimes both, fortunately this was a one eyer. Yes, that IS fortunate to me. I thought more on the light show and another way to explain it is like in the movies when you see lightning hit a transformer or an electrical wire. There are times the light show is like the transformer brighter and firing off like crazy and other times it is the slow sparks of one electric wire. It is so hard to explain, unless you are one of the less fortunate to experience them, which I hope that is not the case. The better the pain became the lights became like puffy clouds floating by so I dreamed of Rich and I laying down watching them fly by. The only place in the world I feel safe, in his arm, so I dream about being there a lot when I am not doing well. I get a peace there that I cannot find anywhere else. Whether we are making love or just laying beside one another in silence, okay that doesn't happen much with me, but you get the picture he is my safe haven.

I thought more about the brain connection to a migraine. I tried to figure out what in the world did I do differently the past few days that would provoke a migraine to hit? Did I eat something different? No. Did I do something different? No. Did I this? Did I that? My brain tries to figure it out so I can avoid whatever it may have been at all costs. I know my neck is in much pain today so I am blaming my neck. I'm still not sure that is the real reason but at least it gives me something to go on. Of course the longer I laid there and the more I thought, 5 hours worth of time is too long to think. I thought about the brain. What an amazing part of the human body. It controls everything. The control center if you will. I was thinking about the telephone operators in the days long, long ago. You know the ones, they sat at a chair plugging in the lines on the big switchboard in front of them. I thought of our brain like that. I have been busy especially last month with the wedding. The overload the day of the wedding. My brain has had so many wires being plugged into it I think it just short circuited or something. It got tired and decided to attack me to tell me to slow down for a minute and start to take better care of me. I kind of forgot that the past few months, not because I didn't want to but because I had no choice. I ate wrong, gained back a few pounds, ran high on stress, etc. It is always bound to catch up to someone but especially with a person who is always ill in one way or another.

I look back to when I was doing it all right. Eating right, slowing down and taking better care of me, realize I have to go back there. I was still having good and bad days even as I was doing it all right, it was still an up and down roller coaster ride but I felt I had a little more control over what was going on, even with the whole foot problem.
I almost feel like I am back in a horror movie running from a monster and I can't get away. Or like a haunted house where there are the people dressed up in the scary costumes grabbing at you or chasing you down a hall only I can feel that monster behind me every minute and I keep running trying to keep ahead. I know it is bound to catch up to me at some point and it has. Once again I am beat to the core. I know for this minute it is the migraine hangover. Last weekend it was the excruciating pain from my foot, next weekend, who knows, hopefully nothing. All I know is I will never stop running. Even when the monster catches me I will still fight him with everything I have. If that means I lay in bed in the dark for 5 long hours thinking of stupid things like this, trying rationalize all that is going on, then so be it. That is the way I deal with it. Plus, I figure it keeps me from going crazy when I can try to make sense out of things. For some reason I don't know if it does, but for me it works.

We move on my fellow suffers. All of us who suffer whether it is with illness, relationships, jobs, whatever it is, we all must continue to run from the monsters in our life, hoping that one day we will turn around and they will all be gone. In the meantime we dance, we love, and we support one another in love. Press on!

God Bless!

Dianne