I can still hear it, that faint voice or maybe more of a loud roar that never stops. I hear it loud and clear when I am going through a rough patch. I hear a loud laugh or maybe a roar like someone yelling out Mahahahahaha and kind of having that evil laugh all rolled into one. When I am down and not doing well it can be so loud that at times I have to tell it to shut up or maybe even tell it that it wins. I give up you are the million dollar winner. I can't do this anymore. Maybe...you win...maybe.
The past three weeks have been brutal once again, brutal to say the least. Just getting out of bed has been a job. I would wake up and just lay there with my eyes open. My body and muscles so weak it was hard to even roll over and when I did roll over I felt like I ran a mile. I am sure that makes no sense to the real world but I can also imagine to others it makes perfect sense. I tell you, the days like those are enough to knock you down far enough to never want to get up. The days you want it to all end. The days that voice is so loud it tries to cloud out any good thoughts a person has. It pierces your soul in some sort of odd way. I know it is just my mind, tired and wore to the core. I tell myself not to listen to that voice of despair but it isn't always that easy when you are dealing with so many issues all at one time. Kind of like when a healthy person has a cold and they think they are dying, except the ten day cure never comes for me. The voice is always there ready to make you cave and ready to make you really give up.
If you know me at all there is one thing I am, a fighter. I am a strong headed know it all, anyone who has been with me for five minutes can tell you that. I like to argue for some reason. Not in a bad way but I am a questioner. I need details. If you are telling me a story about your life you are sure to get some specific questions because I want to hear it all. I have come to realize this has either come from my Hospice training or from childhood. I know I had it before Hospice but I think the training helped me to reinforce this quality or character or whatever it is called. I grew up with two brothers so I learned how to be head strong. They picked on me a lot but what they don't know is they taught me a lot along the way. I learned to be strong willed and I learned how to stand up for myself and be outspoken, many times to a point of getting the strange looks, and the, "I can't believe you just said that" looks. Hahaha you know the ones. Every time I get that look from someone I chuckle inside while almost feeling bad at the same time. Then I tell Rich I said this or I said that and he is like, "You did?" haha more chuckles. There is the word of warning: Never ask me what I think of something unless you really want to know because it may not be what you want to hear.
Back to the voice. I do believe my strong will is the reason I can't give into the voice when I am very ill. I might get close to the edge but never over the edge! Many people with chronic illness suffer from depression, which is understandable, I am fortunate to not have to add that to my list of aliments. I hear that voice that encourages me to give up but for me it is different. I can't give up. It makes me want to fight all the harder. I will crawl into the laundry room if need be to do a load of wash when that voice is screaming at me to give in and give up. I will sit and do something for someone else when that voice is hollering your are done, washed up. I will make dinner for Rich or come here and write a blog. I will do whatever it takes to be the winner of the voice game. It will never win. My body will have to totally give out for the voice to win, and that is not going to happen if I have anything to say about it. I will fight this with everything I have, not because I have to, but because I can. If I give into the voice there is no reason as to why this is happening. I have to continue to believe this is all happening for a reason even though I do not have the answer. I push on.
The voice has become a distant voice the past few days. Oh I still hear it, believe me it is always there, just a little bit quieter. It becomes that whisper in the background waiting to rear its ugly head while I wake up each day wondering if this is when the loud thunderous sound magnifies. To be totally honest with you I hate the fact that God put the wrong soul in the wrong body. I don't understand why he would do that. The very few people I have conversed with about this have no answer either. I told my Rheumatologist that one time and she said she agreed. I have all this goodness I wish I could spread out to the world but I can't. I do the best I can wondering why I cannot give more physically to the world. I have to stop myself from thinking to deeply because it causes me so much pain in my heart when I do. Just writing it brings tears to my eyes.
Today, the voice is faint. It feels good to not have it so loud. If it is only for today then so be it, I will take it and enjoy it the best I can. Take that Mr or Mrs Voice, whichever one you are. You will never win as long as I am the captain of this ship. I must continue the good thoughts and cloud out the bad. Positive wins every time. Negative is the easy way out form where I sit and from what I experience. The more negative I get the worse I feel so I try, as hard as it is on some days, to stay as positive as possible. It is hard, hard as hell, but it is possible. It also helps to have a meltdown every once in a while. It is weird because when I am really sick my tears are for the pain, weakness, and all the symptoms, but when I feel better like yesterday the tears change. It is like they change into more tears of fear. I was talking to Rich last night and the tears came, not because I felt sick but because I felt better. It is scary every time I start to feel better. I don't know why. I think it has to be the fear that I was so bad and now better so I have a fear of when it will all crash down again. It is hard to explain but Rich always knows what to say. He was rolling his hand up and down saying you were in your few week down, down went his hand, and now you will be in your few week up, putting his hand up like a roller coaster. It is so sweet to me how he knows it and he gets it. He lives it right along with me and his love, compassion, and encouragement get me through the down times. It also makes me very sad that he has to live this just as much as I do. I know it kills him to see me when I am sick but like he always says that is why God put us together because he knew I would understand. So, when I hear the voice, many times I replace it with Rich's. His voice is so much easier to listen to then the evil Mahahahaha.